Medical Editing: Is Chocolate Bad For Kidneys?
Victoria Anne Wise
Ready to see how I transform content?
Health is one of my main writing and editing niches. I regularly take rough drafts and turn them into something publishable and accessible to the public. No one wants to Google their medical condition and click on an article full of vocabulary they don't understand!
I regularly rewrite jargon-packed content into something that's easier for people to read. People want to be informed, not bamboozled!
Here's an excerpt from the draft I received:
"Cardiovascular improvements Dark chocolate provides two major benefits to your cardiovascular system: it helps to lower blood pressure, and it reduces cholesterol. For those who are at risk of heart disease, a study from 2012 found that daily consumption of the food was a cost-effective way to lower the chances of having a cardiac event, by reducing total cholesterol, LDL cholesterol and lowering blood pressure (all are factors that are important to be well-controlled when having a kidney disease).. Another randomized controlled trial that investigated the impact of eating dark chocolate on the cardiovascular system of end-stage kidney disease patients on dialysis has reported a significant improvement of vascular function by 53% in acute settings . While in chronic use, this improvement was sustained at 18%, with reduction of diastolic blood pressure and increase in heart rate after consumption of coco supplements for 30 days, the study reported that the Impressive degree of endothelial dysfunction reversion is comparable with the effects observed after administration of statins in patients with end-stage kidney disease."
If you didn't say, "Holy run-on sentence, Batman," you're a better person than me.
Here's my transformation:
Cardiovascular improvements Dark chocolate provides two major benefits to your cardiovascular system: It lowers blood pressure and cholesterol. For those at risk of heart disease, a 2012 study found that daily chocolate consumption was a cost-effective way to reduce the chances of a cardiac event. It reduces total cholesterol and LDL cholesterol while lowering blood pressure. These all are important factors to control with kidney disease. Another randomized controlled trial investigated the impact of cocoa flavanols (CF) on the cardiovascular system of end-stage kidney disease patients on dialysis. It reported a significant improvement in vascular function by 53% over the short term. When participants took CF-rich supplements for 30 days, the researchers noted an increase in baseline function by 18%.
The study reported that the impressive reversal in artery narrowing is comparable to the effects of statins in patients with end-stage kidney disease.
Now you actually know what that last line means!
HealthMatch now has an article on its website that the general public can understand. Winner!
🟥 I took a draft full of intense medical jargon and crafted it into something everyone can read. Yay!
🟧 As you can see in the excerpt, the first draft was full of errors and run-on sentences. Posting something laden with errors would be unprofessional and damage reader trust.
Sentences that are 56-words long(!) make the content so much harder to take in, especially when they're complex medical words. I found natural splits in the sentences so readers could actually understand what they were looking at.
Smaller paragraphs are also helpful for readability (as you can see 😉)
🟨 I checked the studies the medical reviewer had provided, ensuring that I understood what they were trying to say before translating it into something clearer.
🟩 I ensured I cited any medical claims with appropriate studies.
🟦 HealthMatch provided its style guide, which I followed to the letter. Style guides are so important for creating consistent, polished content.
And what does HealthMatch say?
"Victoria is a fantastic editor and just a lovely person to work with! I've really enjoyed collaborating with her on our health content and have relied on her greatly to ensure everything is correct and delivers a fantastic reading experience. I would recommend Victoria to any company looking for a reliable and diligent editor."
