You’re Never Gonna Fit In Much, Kid

If there’s one thing about me is the fact that I’ve never fit in.

All my life I knew I was kind of weird, and not like everyone else. I was never the kind of girl who wants to be a Disney princess. No, I wanted to be Lydia from Beetlejuice, or Wednesday Addams. I was quiet, and just – kind of always in my little world, so obviously, growing up that caused me a lot of bullying, and I didn’t have a lot of friends.

And back then, I didn’t understand it. I hated it not being like the other girls, not having friends, and getting made fun of. I longed for a place where I belonged, and I just wanted to be happy. There were days when I thought I wouldn’t survive it. When it hurt so much to be alone that I thought it was best if I was dead.

That was when I first heard Helena, by My Chemical Romance. I didn’t know anything about them, or their music. I just heard the song and thought, That’s kinda creepy. I like it. But it somehow resonated with everything happened inside my head. All the anger and the frustration, and that fire inside.

Then things happened. My family moved to the States, and I had to start all over in another country, try to fit in again, try to make sense of my world and my life, and it wasn’t easy.

And my only escape was music. Putting on my earphones and turning up the volume. One of my favorite albums was The Black Parade, of course. It kept me company on those days when I thought I didn’t have anyone else, and Cancer helped me cope with my uncle’s death. I listened to I Don’t Love You nonstop after my first heartbreak. And that entire album just changed me.

I grew up, and I got into other stuff, new bands. But their music was always there. I still blasted I’m Not Okay when I was feeling like shit. Welcome to the Black Parade was still one of my favorite songs ever. And it even inspired a little story. Not to mention how big of an inspiration Gerard Way has always been.

Dealing with depression my whole life, and knowing of his own struggles, and how he made it out alive, plus his art in general. I always looked up to him.

Fast forward to 2019. The Umbrella Academy comes out, and of course that got me into the band again. And this time, I went all in. Got obsessed with all their music, as well as their solo projects. It was around the time Frank and his back-then new band, The Future Violents, were touring, but unfortunately couldn’t go see them. But that didn’t stop me. And his music helped me through a lot, too. I made a lot of friends online thanks to that, and I got back into making art.

Little did I know at that moment what was coming.

On Halloween 2019, through cryptic messages, we found out that My Chemical Romance was back.

For real. After a six year hiatus.

And after performing to a sold-out crowd in December that year, they announced a whole tour. They put out promo videos and all that, and I was living for it. When the dates came out, I planned to go to the nearest show and took the day off work to buy tickets, not sure how I was going to make it. But I was going to finally see My Chemical Romance. And when I got them, I cried for the longest time because it was happening. Nothing was going to keep me from seeing them.

Except –

COVID happened.

And we know how that went. And obviously, the tour got postponed – twice. We all went a little crazy and tried dying our hair. Some of us dealt with depression. Others tried to make sense of the world. Some found new hobbies, new ways to cope with everything that was happening.

It was hard, and most times I thought I wouldn’t make it. The only thing keeping me going was the hope of seeing my favorite band. So once again, My Chemical Romance saved my life.

And it took me a couple years, but I finally got to see them.

I can’t even describe the experience.

I can’t believe I got to be so close, and even though it was a long day, waiting outside, it was all worth it. Hearing the songs that saved my life in person is something else. I saw Gerard Way with my own eyes, and he was standing right there in front of me, and it changed me.

I could go on and on, talking about them and talking about this show, but I’ll stop now. All I want to say is, to four year old me –

You’re not alone. There are others like you. Weird people embracing themselves and every bit of them. And they’re happy. You’ll be happy. You’ll find a place you belong, and you’ll be able to be yourself, make art, dye your hair in crazy colors and makeup stories. You’ll be happy in your own terms, not following anyone else’s rules. You’ll get to travel and meet friends, have fun, see your favorite band several times. You’ll write a book or maybe more. You’ll have the cutest (and kind of evil) cat, and all the books and albums. Your family loves and supports you. You’re happy. Don’t give up.

And in the words of the great poet, Gerard Arthur Way, CARRY ON.