People wonder why I’m such a “prude”; why I never want to meet new people…so I try to trust. To let my defenses down a little, because it’s not fair to a million people when only a handful have screwed me over; right?!

I misread people. I think their word means something. “I’m not like others. I respect women.” Yank yank and all that and that trite bullshit. But, so far actions are matching what’s been advertised and I relax a little. Big mistake. Conversation is great. It’s time to go though. He’s got places to be and I’ve got things to do. I say it’s time to leave and suddenly, his true intentions appear.

“Come on, I just want to feel my dick on your pussy.”

“I said I don’t want anything sexual. Now leave please.”

“Baby, I got time. Come on, just let me touch it.” As he begins pulling down my pants even though I’m fighting him off, pushing him away. Asking, begging, pleading for him to stop.

There’s no tears though, I’m not sounding desperate, and I have pics of my pussy posted "all over the internet," so clearly I want this.

He manages to get my pants down and gets what he wants, except the fact that my vagina is bone dry and his already small penis is going soft, making penetration impossible. So he moves on to another option. He puts my legs down, sits me up and pulls my face toward his penis, forcing me to suck it.

His little plan seems to have worked. He’s more erect. So he pushes me back and lifts my legs, trying again. But I’m still not wet. At all. So he drops my legs and tells me to go find my bed. And I say again, “I don’t wanna fucking do this. Just go. No harm done, you didn’t even fuck me.” Which was apparently an insult and challenge accepted. “Come on baby, this is what you want.” And directs me to my room.

At this point, I’ve entered self preservation mode and turned submissive. I did as I was told. Took off my clothes. Laid on the bed. He pulled me on top of him. Demanded I squirt on his cock. Which would never happen because I DON’T WANT THIS. I’m merely doing what I need to escape this situation as quickly and safely as possible.

He rubs his penis on my clit, but I still can’t get wet so he tells me to grab my vibrator. Again demands I squirt on his cock. He’s stroking himself. I am trying my hardest to cum; to get this over with and get him out of my house. My safe place. It’s supposed to be MY SAFE place.

I’m fake moaning, jolting, flexing, touching myself. Anything I can do to convince him I’m so close and he needs to cum now too. It works…eventually. It took nearly 10 minutes and I never did meet his demands and squirt. I never ever would have been able to in that situation. Or for him. Ever.

He blew his load all over himself. I hopped off immediately. Looked at his dick. Do a cute giggle. “Oh man, you made a mess on yourself! Hehehehe. Guess you better get going now. You’re already late.”

“Yeah, I know baby. Was that good for you?”

“No. I told you no. You didn’t listen. You said you’d respect me and I believed you.“

“Baby, you liked it. I’ll do better next time. I got to get going. I’ll text you. And not like those other guys say. Promise I won’t ghost you.”

He kisses me goodbye and walks out my front door. I stand in the doorway for a brief moment with the most fake, yet believable smile I can muster up. I wave, then step in the house, close the door, immediately flip the deadbolt and collapse into the couch, bursting into tears instantaneously.

It’s been almost a week now, and it’s hitting me harder, causing me more issues. Physical ailments. Emotional instability. Sleeping issues. I’ve kept it in. Not told a soul. And it’s doing it’s damage on me. So I’m writing about it. Because at least then it’s out. Because it’s not right. What happened to me is not right.

I didn’t report it because it’s a "his word against mine" situation. Which is a pathetic concept in its entirety; but that’s for another conversation at another time. I called him out on text when he messaged to confirm how great of a guy he is because he kept his word. What an amazing man! As if his generosity of not ghosting me cancels out the word he couldn’t keep the day prior…now that I was not in his presence, I slowly conjured courage to tell him what he did so I could await his bullshit apologies. He’s soooo sorry. Why didn’t I say something?

Oh my gosh, why didn’t I think of that?!?!

He texts me the next and had the audacity to ask if want to come hang out and gave me that magical promise that nothing sexual would happen with the safeguard of the phrase, "Unless you wanted it to."

So smart, that man. I politely tell him I’ll consider the invite, then proceed to go drink the last quarter of my bottle of crown vanilla and smoke 2 bowls so I feel nothing. Numbing my thoughts and allowing my mind and body to earn some much needed rest.

He texts me nearly every day. I finally blocked him today. I don’t know why I was giving him even that luxury of receiving a response from me; or even being worthy of texting me after her defiled me. At first, I didn't realize how much what happened had a major affect on me. I thought I could just brush it off and it would float away to some black hole filled with other shitty experiences. I mean; this is just typical my life. Finally pick myself only to be knocked back down again.

What happened is NOT okay. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to my family and close friends who have had to endure my emotional instability and rollercoaster of happy and sad in a fucking corkscrew; while having no knowledge as to what’s provoked these moods. What are they doing wrong? And it’s not them. But I can’t tell them. Because I have to protect them. I can’t let them on to believe there are no good people out there, because truth of the matter is: there are. And I don’t want my shit situation to influence their faith in those who do deserve it.

Meanwhile, I’m not sleeping at night, barely collecting 4 hours when I do finally doze off. More recently it’s been reduced down to 2 hours; falling asleep around 5 only to be up at 7 to take care of my special needs teenager and get her ready to go for school before the bus is there to pick her up. My neck is so tight and tense, very inflamed and now causing debilitating migraines. I don’t even want to talk to people anymore. I won’t check my inbox when I do open an app or site and will only offer a bare minimum response when it is deemed necessary.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m not wrong for being as hurt as I am, as much pain as I am in. But, I’m tired of giving this prick the power to affect me this way. He doesn’t deserve anything of me, especially space in my mind or pain in my heart. So I’m writing this. Getting it out and locking the doors to my mind so it stays out. He will get what he deserves eventually, but one guarantee is that I’ll never be on that list again.