The moment I found out that the test was positive and that I was going to become a father, I froze. Emotions began to stir within me. It was a real butterfly on cocaine feeling that turned me upside down. I felt alone, lost, confused and unprepared. Overworked and overwhelmed, I turned inward looking for the right path.
When life becomes challenging, it also awakens new insights and dedication. The pain becomes strong and hard to bear. Mental clarity is not present, emotionally I feel like there is no end to it, and all I want is to give them everything I can. The more I feel this chaos, the more it seems to overwhelm me. It is heart-wrenching for a man to go through this, but maybe it is necessary.
I started using the skill of shifting focus inward and listening to what my body whispers through sensations and feelings. As I look and pay attention to the sparks within me, I come to a new discovery. New depths and understanding of my big why and parental superpowers arise as this transformation takes place. Being is the most powerful way to come to the realization that there is something more than what we truly know. The state of BEING brings clarity.
Being
I am a great advocate of healthy expression of being and action. If we both nourish within alignment, it creates a space in which truth is revealed to each of us.
BEING - means to feel and understand more about what is in alignment with our truth, values, vision, and purpose. It is cultivated by observing oneself from different angles, but not by attaching to a certain answer that does not bring the feeling you want to feel.
Sit, observe, dive deeper, and unpack. This is inner work, and it is eternal. Although I am still at the beginning of this journey, I have already had experiences that left me speechless. What I will share comes from the journey so far and the cultivation of BEING and DOING.
Death and Rebirth
I am experiencing mental, emotional, and psychological breakdowns. Some are stronger, some weaker.
While I am going through a new fire, new unseen lands, and we are witnessing more and more that what has served us as comfort no longer works.
The world may be breaking apart, but as it breaks apart it creates space for rebuilding. It is never too late to start over.
Pressure related to giving and receiving
Lack of sleep
Confused about the next step to take
Not knowing how to keep up with all that is active
Depression and sadness from not nurturing oneself
Overthinking and mental breakdown from trying to find solutions
Loss of sense of self
Overwhelm
A deep embodied 'my great why'.
The area I pay the most attention to in my body is my lower dantian, also known as jing. It is believed that jing is the essence of a person.
It is said to be connected to the wisdom of our genetic code, reproduction, and the gifts passed down from our parents. Jing is closely related to the kidneys and adrenal glands and is also connected to the survival response.
There I feel a burning sensation when it comes to purpose, partnership, and creation. The same area has come to a new activation as fatherhood awareness has begun to integrate more. A new expression of the "big why" has begun to take shape, and it feels stronger than any other. It is the power of the parent awakening.
That deep desire to provide, protect, and give reaches new boundaries that cannot be described in words. It activates the will to do more and be more, to set a golden standard to get what is mine.
This can only be felt as an attraction of energy that can simply no longer be stilled and expressed through settling, for my own children. My own creation.
Cleansing
As new depths are revealed, I am increasingly aware that the deep programming that comes from family and the environment is surfacing. Fear, shame, and inability to feel and express patterns reach new layers of old trauma.
There are certain beliefs that are so deeply programmed that they play an important role here. I will share the most active ones that have a great impact and that I need to address and work on. As they rise, I do my best to navigate them.
I must work hard and 'sacrifice' my time to provide for my family.
To call something a sacrifice when it is done for loved ones, rather than an investment of energy of love.
Mental block and inability to seek help and go through challenges alone.
Work before health.
More hard work = more money.
Shame in expressing oneself.
Fear and shame of becoming a father without a great career, house or well-paid job.
The world/place I live in is not safe to create my family.
Fear that everyone else will see it as a failure or condemn me.
Fear of betraying my love and my child and not being able to give them what they need.
The belief that it is not possible to live the life I want if I have children.
Fear of losing control and lack of income, security, or consistency for my family.
As am I, so will my child
The more I understand the patterns and beliefs that mostly come from the male side of my family, the more I understand that I have a great responsibility toward my child. My child will be a reflection of me, and I must strive to be the best I can be. That's just it.
If I don't want my child to struggle, be limited, and live in fear, then I'm the one who has to face these challenges first. My children will see my actions, am I ready to live with that?
God never felt closer
I was raised in a classical Christian family. As I grew up, I started to drift away from church and God. But the more I explored different understandings of God, the more I learned that church had very little to do with God.
I feel relaxed knowing that God uses me to express himself through me. I thank him and pray to him every night. He gives me comfort and makes me feel stronger on days when a miracle is created in the body of my beloved.
The power of friendship.
The support of friends, family, and tribe is what sustains and carries me through this journey. The smiles and joy they express when they look at me with the knowledge that I will become a father is a beautiful and strong wind at my back.
We all need a reminder of why something is possible, of who we really are, and what the opportunity is in all that is happening. We create, and the way we look at things greatly affects our own experience of it.