This story was inspired by a Dungeons & Dragons campaign I created and will hopefully someday get to run. Donna is a college student who just wants to finish her paper and gaze longingly at Izzy, the goth Applebee's waitress she has classes with. Izzy has plans for Donna, and they involve a toilet, a religious cult, and drug-peddling vampires. Probably not what Donna was hoping for.
Applebee’s decidedly wasn’t the best place to work on an important paper while nursing a hangover that definitely ranked in my top five worst of them, but Izzy was working that Thursday morning, so that’s where I wanted to be. We’d done assigned group work together before in our history of medieval warfare class, so it wasn’t like we were best buddies, but we knew each other. And I wanted to know her better, to say the least.
"Hey, wanna see something cool?"
I almost dropped my onion ring in shock upon hearing Izzy’s voice. She had materialized next to my table and was practically dancing in place, a stark contrast to her trad-goth looks. I dared to meet her piercing gaze. Normally, she looked downright apathetic, not that I blamed her. But the feverish glint in her eyes was so alarming that I immediately felt anxious.
"Uh. I mean, what?"
She slid into the empty booth seat across from me and leaned in conspiratorially, glancing around to make sure her manager wasn't hovering nearby.
"I just went into the bathroom to pull a rat king's tangle of tampons out of the toilet and there's something really weird in there."
"Weirder than a mass of used tampons living in the toilet?"
"Yup. Come see. I think it might go away soon. Like, I don't think it's gonna last." She swung her eyes to the right just in time to see her manager circling menacingly near a waiting section. I’d spent enough hungover mornings at Applebee’s to know that Craig was a taskmaster with a truly exceptional inferiority complex, and it was best to avoid his wrath. She cursed and flung herself from the booth, speeding towards a group of guys I was pretty sure I had seen selling drugs on campus. They looked like a bunch of greasy vampires, and I was worried for her, but they didn’t even seem to speak to her, much less harass her.
“God, what was that all about?” I muttered to my plate of onion rings.
“The lord’s name is not something to take in vain, my daughter.”
In my hungover haze, I thought the onion rings had answered me, and I almost began to cry. Then I realized yet another person was invading the sanctity of my booth. An older man in religious vestments I couldn’t identify sat across from me, glaring unblinkingly across the sticky table.
“I’m not your daughter, bud. Get out of here.”
He rose to leave, but before he did, he said something incredibly strange.
“Geesus take you. May he show you the light.”
“Don’t you mean ‘Jesus?’” I called after his retreating figure, but he didn’t answer me. I’d had just about enough of this horse-pucky for one morning. Class was in an hour and I had a four-page paper proposal on the history of Alcatraz to draft before then. I jammed one last onion ring into my mouth and began looking for Izzy to ask her for the check, only for her to swing by and snatch me out of my booth by the arm. She dragged me into the women’s bathroom and locked the door behind her.
“What the hell? Look, I really like you, but this is not how we’re going to do this.”
She frowned at me and kicked the nearest door open with her boot. A purple light was emanating from the toilet.
I stared at it, wide-eyed, wondering if this was some new consequence of the lead in the water.
"So did you find this before or after you pulled out the tampon rat king?" I asked, not sounding nearly as casual as I’d hoped I would.
"Are you seriously still focused on that? Dude. This isn't even the same toilet. Watch this." She pulled a pen from her apron and dropped it into the bowl. Instead of a splash, there was a quiet whoosh. I stood there for a moment, processing things, then approached the stall cautiously, as though the toilet might explode.
I had a few seconds to contemplate the lavender vortex of energy occupying the bowl. Then my head was forced down into the vortex with one swift motion. I lost my balance and barked my chin right on the spot where hundreds of crotches had rested before my entire skull entered the space where water should have been. Somewhere amidst the chaos, I felt my body following my head, a grip on my hair as Izzy cackled somewhere above me, and a sickening stretching sensation pulling all my limbs in directions they shouldn't have been able to move.
When we finally stopped moving and I could open my eyes without feeling like they would fall out of their sockets, I saw that Izzy looked more or less the same, except that her skin was purple, her eyes were entirely white, and a set of enormous gray rams horns spiraled out from either side of her bangs.
I think that's when I fainted.
The smell of an Applebee’s bathroom stall filled my nostrils when I came to some time later. My head was ringing, presumably from slamming it on the tile floor when I fell. I had been propped up against the nearest stall door like a sack of potatoes. Izzy was standing near the sinks, and she had changed out of her work clothes. She now wore what looked like a LARP-ing outfit, black leather armor adorning her compact frame. Her pewter jewelry remained, and her fluffy black and green hair seemed more untamed than ever. Now that I was looking more closely, I could see that her skin was the same hue of purple as the vortex.
As disoriented as I was, I could appreciate that she still looked weirdly hot like this. But how on earth had she had time to do that full-body makeup? Even her hands were violet.
“Did you push my head into the toilet?”
Izzy raised her thin eyebrows slightly, an exasperated look creeping across her face.
“Again, I’m amazed that’s what you’re focusing on. Yes, I did, because I really couldn’t think of a way to get you to follow me through the portal. I’m not great at making them, so I wasn’t sure how long it would stay open. You would not be-lieve how annoying they are to set up, even if it’s just to a parallel dimension.”
“I’m sorry, hold on. Parallel dimension? What are you talking about?” My head began to throb more painfully.
The bathroom door swung open, and a muscular woman with long, white-blonde hair began to step through the doorway, her heels clopping on the tile. She was so tall that she nearly smacked her head on the top of the frame. When she saw Izzy and I, though, she whinnied an apology and did an about-face out of the bathroom. I realized I had heard hooves clopping, not heels—her bottom half was that of a sleek palomino horse.
The throbbing in my head bloomed into a constant ache. I had a sinking feeling that we weren’t in Kearny anymore.
“Look, we really don’t have a lot of time. Things are about to get ugly in both of them if we don’t get moving. Here, put this on.” Izzy reached into one of the many pouches strapped to her bandolier and tossed something small in my direction, which I just managed to catch. A small clear orb of what looked like quartz glinted in my palm, held in an ornate claw-foot prong and strung on a plain silver chain. Maybe it was my imagination, but my headache started to dissipate.
“That’s to keep you grounded and repel malignant magical forces. Only minor ones, though. Won’t do much good if we get into serious trouble.” With blinding speed and finesse I never could have fathomed her to possess, Izzy unsheathed two large daggers from either side of her hips and spun them expertly in her hands. “Which we most likely will.” She returned them to their sheaths and glared at me expectantly.
“Um. I don’t know what’s happening here, and I’m still a little pissed that you, a grown woman, gave me a swirly as some part of weird initiation into your little roleplaying group. I’m impressed that you changed and did your makeup so fast, but I need to get home, like, now.” I pushed myself up off the floor and was met with one of the daggers pointed squarely between my eyes. Izzy was only inches from my face, her obsidian eyes pinning me in place. Well, those and the dagger.
“Donna. There will be no home for you to return to if you do not help me here. This isn’t makeup. You are seeing me as I am.” Her voice was quiet and deathly serious. “In this realm, magic is real, and it’s going to be used for something terrible soon. Earlier, a man approached you when I left the table. His name is Father Malkus.”
“Older, wearing white vestments, doesn’t blink much?”
“That’s him. He is the archbishop of the Church of Geesus Christ Latter Day Saints.”
“He pronounced it like that too. Is that just a thing here?”
“No, no, you’re thinking of Jesus.”
“Okay, well, who the fuck is Geesus?” A wave of residual pain slammed against the inside wall of my skull, and I once again attempted to realign my priorities. “I have a paper due today. Why the hell did you drag me into this?”
Before I could obtain that vital bit of clarity, the bathroom door flew open so forcefully it slammed against the wall and ricocheted back to hit whoever was on the other side.
I had just about jumped out of my skin at this intrusion, but Izzy looked completely unfazed. She strode over to the door and opened it, yanking a tall man into the bathroom. It took me a moment, but I recognized him as one of the greasy vampires from the table she had rushed to attend to earlier. He and his curly brunette ponytail looked a little less greasy, though his skin was even grayer than it had been when I saw him last.
“Everard, you have got to stop doing that. You’ve already concussed yourself twice.” Who on earth would look at a baby and name it Everard?
“Isaleth. Is it done? Did you bring her?” He sounded slightly out of breath, as though he had run from his booth on the other side of the restaurant.
“I told you not to call me that. She’s right here! Look!” Izzy grabbed Everard’s shoulders and spun him to face me. My presence seemed to calm him slightly because his face relaxed, which worried me even more.
“Ah! Good! How much has Isaleth told you?”
Izzy planted her palm loudly on her face as Everard scurried up to me. His face was gaunt and sharp, and now that he was closer, I could see that two long canines protruded ever so slightly from under his top lip.
“Oh god, are you an actual vampire?”
“Indeed!” Everard gave me a terrifying, yellowed smile. “230 years young this month, and I’ve never felt better. Well, maybe in the late ‘80’s. My apologies for not making your acquaintance in your realm sooner. I’m always hesitant to introduce myself there. It seems I have a bit of a reputation as a peddler of illicit goods.”
Well, now I just felt bad.
“I mean, do you? Peddle, er, sell drugs?”
His face lit up even more. “Yes! But that’s a discussion for another time, I’m afraid. The ritual has begun ahead of schedule. Soon, the Church of Geesus will have destroyed the seal that protects the shield.”
I wanted to know more, but I was not about to let these weirdos distract me again.
“Nobody say another fucking word about seals or shields or mispronouncing Jesus until I get a satisfactory answer to this question: Why am I here?"
Izzy and Everard gazed awkwardly at the floor, and neither of them spoke for a moment.
“Isaleth said you had superior knowledge of weaponry and could be of some use in hand-to-hand combat,” Everard finally said meekly. I spun furiously to face Izzy, who looked less intimidating and more sheepish than she had moments ago with her dagger at my throat.
“You got such good grades in that stupid class! I mean, I have practical experience, but it’s different, ya know? And you always seem so well-organized. You’d make a good party member.” Izzy paused to restabilize her frantic voice. “Look, we really need your help. The two of us can’t do this alone. If the Church of Geesus destroys the shield separating our realms, we’re all doomed.”
Never had I been so annoyed by someone praising my good grades and strong work ethic. I squeezed past the two of them and smacked my open palm against the bathroom door, escaping into the restaurant for some slightly less poop-scented air. If I had been freaked out before, it was nothing compared to the all-encompassing panic I felt now.
Applebee’s was just as sticky-looking and depressingly full for what I was pretty sure was still a Thursday morning, but the people inside looked completely different. Some had Izzy’s demonic appearances, with horns of varying sizes, chromatic skin and long, whip-like tails. I spotted the rest of what I now assumed were all vampire drug-peddlers, huddled at the same table and glancing nervously over at me as I loudly exited the bathroom. The large pitcher of root beer that had been sitting on their table was now filled with something decidedly thicker and more red. One of them waved at me, and I waved back, too dazed to remember that he was also in my medieval warfare class. This situation was becoming more cohesive in my mind, and I hated that.
A large gray form almost slammed into me, and when I turned to scold them, I found myself face to face with a hammerhead shark. Its head sprouted out of the black managerial polo it wore across its broad chest. I had always thought of Craig as sharklike because of the way he slowly circled the restaurant, but this was truly more than I had bargained for.
“Hey, you know where Izzy is? Cuz I know she’s not still cleaning the damn bathroom. Sent her in there ages ago.” The shark’s mouth moved, and Craig the manager’s voice came out of it. Before I could pass out all over again, Izzy materialized to my right.
“Save it, Craig. I quit. You don’t pay me enough for this shit, anyway.”
I looked over just in time to see her withdraw a shriveled brown and white mass from her Applebee’s apron, which she was cradling in one arm. She offered it to Everard, who glanced over in disgust.
“I’m not that hungry, doll. That’s fucking dreadful, it is.”
Izzy rolled her eyes and mouthed “So picky” at me as I realized she was holding the tampon rat king. She bounced it off Craig’s head and it hit him square in his right eye, which rolled back in his head. He made a pained grunting noise and lunged at her, jaws yawning wide as if to take a chunk out of her face, but Izzy was too fast.
She drew both of her daggers and met him halfway, sticking her leg straight out so that he ran full-force into it, catching him right in his soft, fishy gut. As he started to buckle inward from the impact, she plunged one dagger through the top of his head so the point exited out of his lower jaw as she stuck the other one in from the bottom up. The wet crunching noise his skull made as she yanked the daggers back out turned my stomach a notch too far, and I spewed the pale brown remnants of last night’s White Claw and Taco Bell feast all over Craig as he finally slumped to the floor at our feet.
“Bravo, ladies! That guy was a real jerk.” The vampire who had waved at me had come over to inspect our—well, mainly Izzy’s—work. “Mind if I take him off your hands? Shark fins are super easy to cut with ornglass, and it gets you really messed up. I can give you a sample if you want.”
“Marcus? Marcus Levy?” I had just remembered his name.
“Yeah, hi, Donna! Hey, I really liked your final presentation in that class we had. Who knew maces were so impractical?” Marcus stooped down and hoisted Craig’s vomit-drenched corpse from under its armpits, lifting it with ease. I watched numbly as he dragged him back to his table. Izzy wiped her bloodied daggers off on her apron, then tossed it to the floor. She shot me an uncertain glance, which I mostly ignored in favor of collapsing into the nearest booth and trying to keep a grasp on my sanity.
Izzy waited a beat, then sat down across from me, not meeting my gaze. Everard joined us a moment later after stopping by the vampire table to chat. Finally, I summoned the will to break the silence.
“Well, this is definitely more eventful than writing my stupid research proposal.”
“Ooh! What are you working on, something wonderfully scholarly?” Everard inquired.
“Nah, it’s just a paper on Alcatraz. It was the first interesting subject I could think of.”
“Ah, I spent a summer there once. Awful place,” Everard sighed dreamily.
“Oh, yeah. Did you know that in Spanish, alcatraz means pelican?”
“NO!” Izzy practically flew across the table and clamped a hand over my mouth. The buzz of conversation in the restaurant snapped off as though it had been muted.
Suddenly, I heard a far-off, discordant bellow, like a million geese honking at once.
“Oh, god. Oh god, Donna, what have you done?” Izzy’s face was twisted with utter terror. Frustrated at being blamed for this absolute insanity, I reached up to slap her hand away, but she grabbed it and held it instead, squeezing so tightly I yelped in pain.
“I didn’t do anything!” The noise came again, this time followed by unintelligible chanting, which sounded like it was coming from right outside the restaurant.
“You said it. You said the unbinding words. We’re all doomed.”
“Indeed!” Everard chirped, bouncing next to me excitedly. “I’m certain they would have translated it from the seemingly indecipherable ancient texts anyway, but you got there first! Good for you!” The chanting outside intensified, and I could make it out now.
“Honk, honk, he has risen. Honk, honk, he has risen.”
Surprising even myself, I stood up, bracing myself on trembling legs. I didn’t know what was going on, and I was scared out of my wits. But dammit, I was not going to let some religious freaks and their goofy god destroy my world.
“Alright, I messed this up, and I’m going to fix it. We can take these guys, right? Come on, let’s go kick some ass!” I was feeling pretty good about this heroic statement until the building shook with a resounding whoom that seemed to come from somewhere over our heads. People began to scatter throughout the room, panic rising rapidly as the roof seemed to quiver under some immense weight.
Suddenly, something long and orange plunged through the ceiling, striking the floor not thirty feet from our booth. It was there just long enough for me to make out that it was a leg, ending in a webbed foot roughly the width of a Volkswagen Beetle. Then it retreated, and the bowel-loosening honk bellowed through the hole in the ceiling, drowning out the screams of the patrons around us. Somehow, I could still hear the chanting, now louder and more fervent than ever before.
“Honk, honk! He is risen!”
Geese-us. Geesus. Wow, really?
