The author had developed a short story which he wanted to enter into a competition. It was about a man who had "Sundown Syndrome," where he has clear memory in the morning, which worsens through the day. He discovers his wife cheating on him, but is that a true memory? He said the story needed some serious fine tuning. He had lost focus from too many rewrites, and said "your guidance is needed badly."
The areas that he said were lacking were:
1) I think my writing is style is too wordy
2) The story flow is too choppy
3) Additional character development structure.
4) Critique on content material
5) Poor foreshadowing.
This is my first time so hopefully my requirements aren't too confusing.
I'm not sensitive so please tear away, and tell me your honest opinion. Great writing requires thick skin, so I won't take what you say personal. Good luck.
I edited the first chapter per his input, and he responded:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ "Outstanding professionalism! He took the time to understand my project completely as he edited the work. Writing can be a very sensitive occupation, and Dan knew how to guide me patiently to a better version of my work. He is very versatile in creative writing and content writing. He communicated frequently with me, and made sure I understood the changes he suggested. Highly recommended!"
Sundown
Carter saw his wife with another man across the street and a few choices came to mind: walk away, lay down and cry in the fetal position, spy on the love affair, or talk to her like an adult. With a regretful sigh, the adult choice won - or so he thought. She waited by the cash register inside a café with the mysterious man standing close by. She was about an inch shorter, and his muscles poked through a black silk sweater, like a fashionable incredible hulk.
He stomped inside, the sun to his back, and the fall air blowing behind. Be mature Carter.
“Imani,” he called to her.
She gasped when she looked up and saw him. The muscled lover turned around as well, but Carter didn’t give him a chance to see who was speaking. Carter’s arm cocked back like a professional boxer, and he swung so hard he almost flew off the ground. Imani put her hands her mouth. The man fell to the ground next to a diner, who shrieked. Then the cafe fell silent, as the patrons all looked on in shock. So much for the adult approach.
“Was it worth it?” Carter asked her, as he huffed angrily.
Tears came to her eyes.
“Carter what are you doing here?” she said, in tearful surprise.
“I could ask the same,” he yelled as he shook his right hand. His fingers stung down to the nerves.
“You’re not supposed to be here,” she said, a worried look on her face.
“Well, I’m here now,” Carter pointed to the injured hulk, “Who is he?”
“You know him,” she answered. He looked vaguely familiar, but Carter didn't know where he might have met the man.
“Looks like you know him a lot better.”
She didn’t respond but stared at him like he was a ghost. He’d never seen her look so astonished in his life. Someone in the background said they were calling 911, and Carter knew it was time to leave.
“Whatever,” was all he could say, and he turned to go.
Imani called to him. “From sunup to sundown okay?”
“What?” he snapped back angrily. What was she referring to? Was this a joke?
The mysterious man wobbled and began to climb up off his back, shaking his head, and moaning as if he was dying. Carter left before the guy was alert enough to start something.
Once outside, he hustled down the sidewalk so he could get back to work. He dug back into his mind, trying to picture all the signs that led to this heartbreak, but nothing stood out. He couldn't think of where he might have met the guy he had hit. Imani never held her feelings back. In fact, she spent most of her college years shouting outside the white house about sex trafficking. She lost her close cousin to an abduction when she was 16 and for the rest of her life, she made a promise to never let an emotion go unnoticed. That included Carter, so if he didn’t wash the dishes, she’d let him know - she would be in his ear until the dishes were clean. Having secrets was not like her. So why wouldn’t she tell him that she wanted out? That she had met someone else. When did she start growing distant from him?
The light changed and he crossed, along with everyone else. What now? Going back to the diner felt like a stupid idea. Imani’s last word emerged from the back of his thoughts.
From sun up to sundown.
She said the words as if he was already supposed to know what they meant. But Carter had no idea what she was referring to. Her eyes had appeared more at ease than astounded when she saw him, and that drove Carter crazy. If her affair got exposed, she should’ve been scared out of her mind. He let out a loud exhale, pushing out anger along with it. It would be better to head to work, so he walked on.
He stopped in front of his office, an eight-story glass building. Would she come home tonight? Deep down, he regretted hitting the poor guy. He should’ve handled it like an adult. He couldn't imagine what would happen next. She could press charges against him, he’d go to jail, lose his job. He rarely slipped up, but he felt betrayed, hell - belittled.
“Jesus Imani,” he said with disappointment. What a day.
His boss Abram, burst out of the office building door.
“Carter!” Abram shouted, happily. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”
He loomed over Carter like a giant. Like a politician, he was nattily dressed in an expensive navy-blue suit.
“Shit,” Carter cussed under his breath, then tried to cover with a cough, as if something was wrong with his voice. “I mean, Hey Abram.”
“Where have you been?” Abram asked. He had a low voice mixed with a sweetness like honey. Powerful, but comforting. He always had a way of putting Carter at ease, even when he was frustrated by a difficult work situation. Abram was an unusual character in the business world, for sure. Abram was the President of a successful custom locksmith business. At his wedding, Imani introduced him to Abram, and Abram explained his million-dollar business. At first Carter was a bit reserved, since Imani knew everyone because of her outspoken efforts with activism. Abram said he was one of her biggest fans, and Carter believed that Abram just wanted to impress her, or maybe date her. Imani kept pressing the idea of Abram’s business as a good fit for his career.
So, Carter met with Abram, and as he listened to his pitch it felt like a great fit, so Carter joined Abram's team a few weeks later. He worked to unlock already finished locks in the shortest amount of time possible. The fastest time solving a puzzle lock so far was 15 hours.
“I've been at lunch,” Carter, answered, “About to clock in now.”
Abram shook his head.
“No need, you’re off for the rest of the day.”
Carter eyes widened, and he gasped. Did he know about the fight at the café? Was he about to get fired?
“You sure?” Carter asked.
“Am I sure?” Abram chuckled, “Stop pretending.”
Carter forced a smile.
“About what?”
“Maxwell told me you completed a lock this morning.”
What a relief, it was about work.
“Oh, yeah. I did,” Carter answered, faking his surprise.
Abram smashed his hands-on Carter’s shoulder.
“Let’s drop you off home. I’d like to hear how you did it. Is that cool with you?”
Carter nodded, he’d prefer to stay at work, but maybe he needed to go home. Why was Abram being so solicitous about taking him home in the middle of the afternoon.
“Perfect,” Oliver said, happily.
They turned around and headed back to the street.
“Did you take your BP vitamins?” Abram asked.
“I did before I came in.” Why was Abram always on him to take his vitamins?
Abram enrolled his employees in his platinum insurance plan. Along with the full medical coverage, his employees would be supplied with “BP vitamins” or Brain Power Vitamins. Carter initially declined, but Imani convinced him to sign up and take the vitamins. She researched things very thoroughly, so if there was something she suggested, he’d trusted her opinion. Nothing happened when he started taking the pills. He didn’t grow, or feel smarter, but Abram insisted that the vitamins worked. Carter felt kind of strange when he first started taking the pills - like things were a bit fuzzy or disconnected. He forgot about it but kept taking them anyway.
A black Escalade pulled up in front of them, they climbed into the back seat, and the driver sped off.
“I need to know how you figured out that latest lock,” Abram asked excitedly. “You did it in 2 hours. How?”
Carter sighed in relief and relaxed.
This day could’ve been perfect if Imani hadn't cheated on him.
“Nothing too crazy. May I use this pad to show you?”
“Please,” Abram answered with glee.
Carter set the pad on his lap.
As studied the frame, remembering his method, he felt Abram grab his right hand.
“What happened here?” Abram asked.
Carter quickly turned to Abram with a new awareness as he remembered Imani’s last words to him, about sundown. “I’m not sure if Imani was cheating on me or helping me.” Well now that put a new light on things.
