My story of DEPRESSION

It had been five years, and I was still suffering from nightmares and insomnia. I still used to cry at night so dumbly that even I could not hear my sighs at all and because of such monotonous, I developed huge black circles and was also suffering from migraine but strangely, during the daytime I was as happy and silly as any normal person can dream of.

I was more polite, more humble, and wittier than anyone else in my family. Now, you must be wondering how a depressed person can be happy. Well, that’s a wonderful twist of depression, and one who is truly going through this can relate to it perfectly.

So, yah! I was talking about my gay nature because, because of that, no one (literally no one) could estimate what I was going through. They used to ask me dumb questions like, “what happened?”, “why are you having dark circles?”, why are you so down” and bla, bla, bla.

This is the flaw of this society that until a person is not dead, no one damn cares to save him and after his death all exclaim, “How good he was, perhaps, we could save him”. How sarcastic????

Knowing this, I simply used to ignore those questions but somewhere deep inside I was totally broken. You know how much it hurts to suffer alone but not being able to share with anyone? Ah, alas!

Five years back I was so mischievous, sparkling, and real, of course. I still miss myself, although I have made an escape through that darkness but have lost a lot of me. I was an intermediate student and was preparing for approaching finals. I used to be an enthusiast student but something was going to be changed which I could not assess.

It all started from that day, of which memory was still haunting me, of which regret I couldn’t escape from. That memory was as fresh as the present-day even after five years. That feeling was so strong that I fell into depression.

It was the 5th of June, all was fantastic like usual, I was at home with my siblings when a minor fight occurred among them. I took my sister’s side and disguised with my brother. Surprisingly, my brother got silent. He bowed his head and headed outside. He could see the disappointment in his eyes and really wanted to stop him but I didn’t. He went out and I saw him through the window going away and away.

That was the last time when I saw him. He remained missing till twenty-four hours and then the news of his death shocked me to death. “It was my fault. I killed my brother. Why I did not take his side when he needed. Why I did not stop him when he was going away. I am the only one to be blamed.”

These words echoed in my ears repeatedly. I looked at the window which was the only witness of my guilt and that was the moment which struck me. I held my breath, he was not the one who died that day but I died too.

It is not easy to escape from your regret, guilt, and wrongdoings. Believe me, once you gain consciousness about your guilt, you will neither be counted as a living nor dead being. That was how felt and believed, I was neither living nor dying. I begged for his forgiveness but got no reply from him. There was utter silence from him and constant chaos in me.

I spent five years in that same, stagnant illness that worsened my mental health. Now, when I look back I feel how pathetic I was then. I found no light of redemption for all those five years and was drowning in disappointment gradually but one night, finally, he came to me.

It was a dream or reality, I really don’t know but it gave me the consent of living. He forgave me. It took me five years to believe that what happened that day was meant to happen no matter if I had stopped him or not. His death was an accident and I was not the one to be impugned. Now, I am living a new life with my new self.

That was a brief story of my survival and I know every being is living their own story.

Hey there! Are you depressed too? If you really don’t know how to answer this question then let me ask a few queries, just say YES or NO and you’ll be able to analyze on your own so, here we go.

. Do you miss yourself?

. Do you smile thrice a day?

. Do you feel empty while doing something?

. Are you living in some guilt?

. Do you feel stagnant?

. Are you haunted by memories?

Ok, now you know your thing. Come on, it is not embarrassing to confess rather a battlefield against your own self and what I know you’ll find your light one day as I found…..