Consumerism in Dating: The Modern Checklist Approach

Story Time! It’s still January 2024. I’m sitting in a cafe with my friend, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee calming my nerves. I’m no longer hungry, having devoured toast with creamy avocado, but I do not feel completely at ease.

We’re talking about relationships — more specifically, the situation I’m in, filled with doubts and questions. It’s not even a “situationship” — everything is quite clear — but I keep ignoring reality and pushing forward stubbornly, like a bull charging ahead.

I don’t think my friend notices this; we’re too busy sugar coating each other’s struggles, avoiding the hard truths. Then, she takes out a pen and paper and starts explaining how I should evaluate this man. She makes two lists — one for pros and another for cons. We feel more delusional than ever, as if we’ve just discovered an unknown continent.

But deep down, I know I won’t make any list. In my heart of hearts, I understand that I have a relationship problem with someone I’m not even in a relationship with. So, why make a list? Even if I were in a relationship, why reduce another person to an object that needs to be evaluated?

This realization struck me again recently as I navigated my struggles. I now see more clearly that between black and white, there are shades of grey — and all the other colors, too. I’ve listened to people who treat relationships as nothing more than a Netflix subscription — something to have because everyone else does, something to pick up and forget at will. Then, there’s the shaming of those who don’t use dating apps.

Modern dating has become increasingly transactional in the era of apps, curated social media profiles, and endless swiping. Like shopping for the perfect product, people often treat dating as an exercise in finding the “best deal” rather than forming organic connections. From carefully crafted pros and cons lists to the overwhelming influence of societal expectations, dating today is often shaped by consumerist ideals rather than emotional depth.

Many approach dating with a checklist, evaluating potential partners like they’re comparing smartphone features. While having standards is natural, reducing people to a list of advantages and disadvantages strips away the human element of connection. When every trait is weighed against an imagined “ideal partner,” genuine chemistry and emotional depth often take a backseat to superficial factors.

Dating apps have revolutionized how people meet, but they also encourage a consumerist mindset. With just a swipe, users can move on to the next potential match, leading to a paradox of choice. The abundance of options fosters the illusion that someone “better” is always just one match away, making it harder to commit and truly invest in a relationship.

Social media and pop culture have inflated expectations around relationships. Many seek an idealized partner who checks every box instead of embracing the complexities of real human connection. Romanticized portrayals of relationships create unrealistic benchmarks that often lead to disappointment when reality doesn’t measure up.

Society places immense pressure on modern dating. Whether it’s the expectation to find the “perfect” partner by a certain age, have a Pinterest-worthy wedding, or craft the ideal online relationship aesthetic, many feel the need to follow a structured path to love. This pressure reinforces the idea that relationships are a status symbol rather than an emotional journey.

I deleted dating apps about eight months ago, and my anxiety levels dropped almost immediately. The constant pressure of not having a partner weighed on me. It wasn’t seen as having standards or prioritizing other aspects of life — it felt like I was simply undesirable. Some days, that insecurity still creeps in, bringing the fear that I’ll end up alone. But then I regain my rhythm, embracing the present rather than forcing connections that aren’t naturally nurtured.

Connection Over Checklists: I no longer feel an urgency to be in a relationship. Building a life with someone sounds wonderful, but I don’t feel like my life is lacking without it. I prefer to enjoy connections rather than waste time with people I don’t truly vibe with.

There Is No “One and Only”: I no longer chase the illusion that there is just one perfect person out there for me. Relationships are about being intentional with where I invest my time and energy, not about constantly searching for the next best thing. Real connections require effort and commitment.

Being My True Self: When I imagine the person I want to be with, I always ask myself — do I even have the emotional capacity to pour my energy into that connection? A year ago, during that conversation at the cafe, the answer was no. I was emotionally unavailable for years and blamed others for being the same. Through trial and error, I recognized my outdated patterns and worked toward being my authentic self — someone who values her own experiences and presence.

At the end of the day, I’m not here to judge checklists or dating apps — do whatever works for you, but also be aware of what doesn’t. Letting go isn’t easy, but staying too long in a situation that drains you will only wear you down and make you more fragile in the long run.