I edited a TV series treatment for an 8 week sci-fi thriller

The buyer had developed in 2020 a treatment to explain a science fiction TV series they intended to sell. They asked for help to strengthen the writing to make the proposal more engaging. I worked to make the story flow consistent and entertaining. I made sure I kept their voice, but provided clarity as needed about the characters and evolution of the plot.

Here's what they said about the editing I provided:

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ "Dan is super detailed and attentive. He took our treatment and elevated it 10x over. As a producer having a great writer like Dan on board is invaluable. I would recommend him to anyone who wants to make sure their Ts are crossed and Is are dotted."

Below is the first portion of the treatment

INTRODUCTION                                                                                  

Strata is an eight-hour sci-fi / drama/ thriller. 

It is present day in San Francisco, the bustling capital of technological innovations. Cloaked by secrecy and misdirection, the opposite concepts of altruism and mass annihilation and are cunningly merged, with devastating effect. A seemingly altruistic politician, who also happens to be a psychopath, offers the promise of a better, more compliant world. He is the leader of a One World Order organization, referred to as the Cosmocracy. This group has successfully developed groundbreaking technology, which provides the organization with the means to eliminate free will, and repopulate the earth with genetically engineered, superior human beings. 

Increased reports of abductions, along with failing economies, the effects of climate change, wars, and the complete reliance on technology for human survival has left the mass population in fear and disarray. The world appears to be coming comes apart in very fundamental ways. Under the cover of this unfolding chaos, The Cosmocracy meticulously initiates its master plan for mass annihilation and repopulation, using a carefully conceived strategy to abduct people and replace them with their race of superhumans.

STRATA CONSPIRACY

Revelation is the final book of the Bible's New Testament, which in part foretells an apocalypse in which a beast will rise and lay his mark on all of humankind – a mark used to buy and sell. The popular belief for years has been that one day the demise of mankind will come at the hands of an all knowing super power. Accepting the mark of the beast for survival will be a prelude to plagues, famine and war. 

The increased pace of technological advances within the past decade has pushed these ancient conspiracies into the background, and out of people's awareness. The tech evolution has given companies full transparency into people's lives. The incredible discoveries in neuroscience has given people more to fear from technology.  

According to Dr Karl Albrecht, the five fears all humans share are: extinction, mutilation or bodily invasion, loss of autonomy, separation, abandonment or rejection, and humiliation, shame or worthlessness. Strata exploits these five fears flawlessly as part of its master plan. The story of this conspiracy is anchored in biblical scriptures, scientific vulnerabilities, and neuroscience, arising from a modern day all-knowing superpower and a biotechnological twist. 

STRATA STORY

The story begins with a simple and seemingly harmless love story, through a chance encounter during a routine delivery service exchange. From this point a very complicated mission initiated by the Cosmocracy slowly unfolds.

This chance meeting appears to be a serendipitous incident, but soon becomes the intersection point which aligns all of the characters in the story. After a delivery guy, ERIC GWAN, meets JOSEPHINE (JOE) PALLAIS, she is abducted. ERIC is detained because of a reasonable suspicion that he might be involved. JOE’S very neurotic tech guru roommate SHIRLEY (SHURE) WHILDLY and a relentless rookie FBI agent ZACH CHASE are the ones who follow the breadcrumbs of clues leading to JOE, which also prove ERIC’S innocence.

As SHIRLEY and ZACH pursue the truth about what happened to JOE, they peel back the layers of mass abductions across the globe. They arrive at the shocking conclusion that JOE was abducted by a Cosmocracy and held captive in a facility called STRATA.

Over the course of the series they discover that STRATA obtains their subjects using a tech motherboard called GWEIE. The process puppeteers the unassuming roles of share ride drivers, app-based food delivery services and more, to gain access to victims. These people are then seamlessly identified and isolated, carrying out the abduction plot with ease and precision. It comes as a shock to the team when they find that GWEIE is run by SHURE’S employer RYAN KISTING, who is a loyal servant to Cosmocracy Leader, FRANZ NEUEMEYER.

They discover unimaginable, horrific experiments which are conducted within STRATA to reengineer mankind. These procedures speed up the evolution process and remove free-will from people's genetic make-up. Freeing JOE has only revealed the existence of a massive and sinister conspiracy.  

As they arrive at an understanding of why this was all necessary; FRANZ calls checkmate, and it’s too late to save the world as they know it.

STRATA HORROR

STRATA laboratories exist around the world, one in each country, to perform the repopulation and re-engineering process on abductees.

Step 1: Extreme stress and trauma invokes original genetic coding and primitive behavior, free of nurture responses. Failure results in termination.

Step 2: Superior genetics are identified, categorized and matched with other complementary traits to breed new and superior humans.

Step 3: Neural pathways are coded to re-engineer behavior and alter response parameters. Freewill as a part of all actions is removed. 

Results: Successful candidates have awakened senses (superhero-esque). Their re-engineered neural pathways contain specific coding to give them the ability to perform certain actions stipulated by the Cosmocracy. If boundaries are exceeded, the neural pathways force the person to become entranced and controlled.

INSIDE GWEIE

Strata relies on the technology of GWEIE to select likely candidates to be kidnapped, and help repopulate earth 2.0.

GWEIE has formed, through extensive tech development, a convergence platform of all tech apps with the necessary technological capability to enact its process.

This gives GWEIE the ability to create extensive and detailed profiles on every human, by tapping into the data on their phone. This process utilizes the apps in every market which tailor their product to the needs of their user. 

The company's surveillance power goes beyond mere market research, by tapping into law bending visual, audio, biometric and geological surveillance capabilities. 

By definition it has individualized human-ecology.

STRATA

“ACTION ARCS”

KIDNAPPINGS

Through the use of tech convenience apps like, Uber, Postmates, Amazon and many more, The Cosmocracy can access patterns and information to select their abductees, and gain seamless access to their victims as well as choosing scapegoats who will be blamed for the abduction.

MOTHERBOARD CONSPIRACY (GWEIE)

The Cosmocracy has created a tech motherboard called GWEIE, which grants them access to all tech convenient apps around the world. It provides unique surveillance points and data points on individuals, such as frequented locations, diet, health history etc. The Cosmocracy uses this information to verify compatibility and access to abduct their victims. 

HUMAN FARM & RE-ENGINEERING

After capture, individuals are held in STRATA facilities, and their DNA is used to pair them with a partner for procreation. Reconstruction of their neuron pathways is implemented after an extensive series of torturous tests. 

CHIP IMPLANTATION

The rest of the population is forced to receive chip implants as a form of currency. All assets, liquid and other are declared unavailable without obtaining a digital implant.  Mass panic ensues, as people rush to maintain their wealth by complying with the new chip implantation process.  

TEST MARKET SUCCESS

The Cosmocracy chooses the city of Berlin as the test site to spearhead the operation and confirm the validity of their theory.

MASS ANNIHILATION

Once the Cosmocracy has verified their theory, the plan is to remotely trigger the secretion of a poisonous oil into every person on Earth, through the implanted chip. This lethal oil will kill all of mankind not associated with the Cosmocracy’s mission.

STRATA STRUCTURE 

STRATA will be structured like a film. There will be a definite beginning, middle and an end. All of the lead characters will have complete story arcs. The limited nature of the project will allow the makers to target film actors for the leads. Actors will be chosen like: Andre Holland as ZACK, Michael Fassbender as FRANZ NEUEMEYER, Steven Yeun as ERIC GWAN and Michaela Coel as SHURE.