Lately, disabled people have been gaining popularity through TV shows focused on dating, such as Abbey and David on Love on the Spectrum and Daisy Kent on The Bachelor. Even though we see these disabled TV stars looking for love, when thinking of relationships, most people may only imagine people who are non-disabled. With an estimated 20% of college students reporting having a disability (NCES, n.d.). It's time for us to really talk about what relationships might look like for disabled people.

First, what is a disability? According to the CDC, a disability is “any condition of the body or mind that makes it more difficult for the person to do certain activities and interact with the world around them. This can affect a person's vision, hearing, movement, thinking, remembering, learning, communicating, mental health, social relationships, or overall health” (CDC, 2020). However, disabled people can have different experiences and viewpoints, and they may view their disability differently than someone who has the same disability.

Today, we will learn about how disabled people may experience relationships, how they give consent, and navigate healthy/unhealthy behaviors in a relationship. By learning about these key factors, we can learn more about navigating relationships with a disability or how to best support a friend, partner, or family member with a disability.

By learning about how disabled people may experience dating and relationships, we can learn more about their day-to-day experiences. It is important to consider that there is no difference between people with disabilities and people without disabilities when it comes to a desire for healthy and happy relationships (Perez, 2023). That being said, disabled people can experience relationships differently than non-disabled people and can sometimes be at a disadvantage when it comes to dating (Loeppky, 2023). When dating online, for example, many disabled people may feel confused about whether to disclose their disability, fearing that it may lead to someone swiping left or receiving negative reactions from matches. Others may feel nervous about meeting someone in person, scared that they will not be accepted. Thankfully, there are dating apps specifically for disabled people, such as Dateability, which can help make this process a bit easier. Both in and out of a relationship, it is important to think about the importance of self-love and confidence, which are both essential to thriving as a disabled person (Fiona, 2019).

Before we talk about how disabled people might experience consent, it's important to talk about the definition of consent. Consent is mutually understandable words or actions, actively communicated knowingly and voluntarily, that clearly convey permission for a specific activity. We need to know that giving consent is invalid if it results from the use or threat of physical force, intimidation, coercion, and incapacitation. This means that giving consent requires both people to have the capacity to make an informed decision about having sex. At RISE, we say that if someone does not understand the nature of sexual contact or is not able to say “no” to sex, they cannot give consent.

There's a common misconception that people with disabilities can't have sex. The truth is that sex comes in many different shapes and sizes, and anyone able to give consent can have sex—including disabled people (Aruma, 2019).

Even though consent is a straightforward definition, the verbal and nonverbal cues may look different for disabled and non-disabled people, which is totally okay! As long as consent is clearly communicated to both parties, it's totally normal for cues to be different for different people. For example, d/Deaf people may rely on non-verbal cues since they can't hear verbal consent. Autistic people, on the other hand, may need a straightforward “I like this” or “I don't like this” to avoid missed nonverbal cues. People with mobility or pain issues may need to pause and take a break. It is important to discuss what consent looks like beforehand to ensure everyone has an enjoyable and safe experience. Learning about how disabled people can give consent to have sex can help us understand what healthy relationships look like for disabled people.

Learning about healthy relationship behaviors for disabled relationships can help disabled individuals learn how to express their needs and create expectations. Healthy relationships include healthy communication, and there are several different characteristics of a healthy relationship (One Love, 2024):

Comfortable pace: the relationship moves at a pace that feels enjoyable for everyone.

Honesty: being truthful without worrying how the other will respond.

Respect: you value each other's beliefs and opinions.

Kindness: both parties are caring, supportive and empathetic to one another.

Healthy conflict: being open and respectful to discuss issues.

Trust: being confident that your partner won't hurt you or ruin the relationship.

Independence: you can be yourself outside of the relationship

Equality: everyone puts in the same effort.

Taking responsibility: being accountable of what you say and do.

Fun: you enjoy spending time together.

Now that we know the signs of healthy relationships, let's focus on examples of healthy behaviors that can exist in disabled relationships. These behaviors may help a disabled person in a relationship feel more accommodated and supported.

Research: Researching your partner's disability, asking questions, and seeking resources related to it can help your partner feel more encouraged (It's Time to Talk, n.d).

Communication: This involves communicating with clarity and compassion about the person's disability, how it affects both of you, the care involved in caring for and living with them, and what that may mean for the relationship. If one partner needs to take the role of a caregiver, it is essential to define what the caregiving responsibilities involve, what challenges arise, and how concerns may be addressed (Martinez, 2022).

Patience: It is important to remember that a relationship is an ongoing process and that things will not always be perfect. Learning how to meet each other's needs and learn about each other can take time (Martinez, 2022).

Kindness: Dealing with a disability can be hard, and there may be times when a partner needs extra support or time alone. Kindness can go a long way and help strengthen a relationship (It's Time to Talk, n.d).

Accommodation: A partner with a disability will most likely need extra help, support, or accommodation. This may also include feeling comfortable with standing up for a partner or supporting your partner.

This is not an exhaustive list and ultimately depends on the needs of a disabled person. However, these behaviors can be signs of a healthy relationship for someone with a disability and may ultimately improve the well-being of the relationship.

Unfortunately, disabled people are at a greater risk of experiencing relationship abuse , which is why it is important to talk about the way disabled people can experience abuse in a relationship. First, let's talk about the general signs of an unhealthy relationship (One Love, 2024):

Intensity: when someone expresses extreme and over-the-top behavior

Manipulation: when someone tries to control you

Sabotage: when someone ruins your reputation or success on purpose

Guilting: when someone makes you feel responsible for their actions

Deflecting responsibility: constantly making excuses for bad behavior

Possessiveness: when someone is jealous and tries to control you

Isolation: when someone keeps you away from people/things you love

Belittling: when someone tries to make you feel bad about yourself

Volatility: when someone has a scary, intimidating, and strong reaction

Betrayal: when someone is disloyal and intentionally dishonest

Now, let's look at signs of an unhealthy relationship or abuse that are more specific for disabled people:

Financial abuse: Someone may intentionally withhold/steal money or refuse to allow the person to be involved with finances (Martinez, 2022). This can result in someone having less access to food, medicine, and other essentials.

Emotional/verbal abuse: This occurs when a person is gaslighted about their condition or disability or when their partner speaks to them in a derogatory manner (Martinez, 2022).

Sexual abuse: When a partner initiates sexual activity when their partner does not provide consent or continues sexual activity when consent has been revoked (One Love, 2024).

Misuse of physical property: When a partner withholds, damages, or breaks assistive devices (ex: throwing a hearing aid across the room or restricting access to a wheelchair) (One Love, 2024).

Medication abuse: When a partner does not allow someone to seek medical treatment, withholds medicine, or over-medicates someone (One Love, 2024).

Neglect: When a partner uses someone's disability as an excuse for obstructing physical hygiene or comforts of living (One Love, 2024).

It is important to remember that someone with a disability may have experienced behaviors that are not on this list and that all experiences are valid. Now that we know about how abuse and unhealthy behaviors can affect disabled people, we can learn how to prevent and identify them.

Overall, while disabled people can experience relationships much differently than those who are not disabled, they are equally deserving of a safe, healthy loving, relationship. It is important to know the characteristics of healthy and unhealthy disabled relationships, as well as what consent looks like for disabled people. Also, the signs of what makes a relationship healthy or unhealthy could be applied to any type of relationship. Remember, all disabled people are worthy of love and healthy relationships!

Aruma. (2019). Sex and disability: The facts.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2020). Disability and Health Overview.

Fiona. (2019). What I have learnt about being in a relationship with a disability. Disability Horizons.

It's Time to Talk. (n.d.). Healthy relationships and disability.

Loeppky, J. (2023). Verywell loved: Dating while disabled. Verywell Mind.

Martinez, A. (2022). Dating & healthy relationships for people with disabilities. Rare Advocacy Movement.

National Center for Education Statistics (NCES). (n.d.). Fast Facts: Students with Disabilities.

One Love Foundation. (2024). Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships.

Perez, S. (2023). How unhealthy relationships impact the disabled community. One Love Foundation.

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