The Perfect Gentleman No Longer Exists

Whatever happened to the perfect gentleman? The man who is poised, well-mannered, perfectly groomed and has a prince-like essence of romanticism. The man that carries around a handkerchief in his flamboyant coat jacket simply to lend to a woman in case she sheds a tear. The man of which simple gestures are second nature. Picture your typical 1950’s romance movie, do the men look and act the same way that they do now? Today, men no longer embody the traditional image of a gentleman that has been implanted into the minds of women by romcoms and historical tales. The standard of being a gentleman has evolved over-time, and the word is now straying from its true meaning.  To be a gentleman by definition of the Oxford Dictionary is a chivalrous, courteous, and honorable man. These men no longer exist as they used to. In today’s society, the characteristics of the ‘perfect gentleman’ have been eradicated by the death of chivalry as some call it, the evolution of social norms and gender expectations, and feminism. 

   One might ask, what is chivalry and how did it die? Chivalry is defined as polite and kind behavior that shows a sense of honor, especially by men towards women (Oxford Advanced American Dictionary 20).  Based on this definition, chivalry in the modern world is indicated through a man’s mannerisms. It can be dated back to medieval times and originated in reference to knighthood. A knight was known as a person granted honorable status by a king or queen who portrayed bravery and is deemed noble enough to serve and fight for his courtship. Although chivalry held a different meaning in medieval times, the concept of a chivalrous man was one who had great respect for not just women, but all civilians. Today, chivalry is seen as a characteristic of being a gentleman and is usually defined by gestures such as a man holding the door open for a lady, or a man giving up his seat on the bus to offer it to a woman. Chivalry was most evident in the romantic era of the 1950s when old-fashioned manners were prevalent. According to a survey by Ruth Styles in her article “Bring back the gentleman! 1950s voted most desirable era by modern women who are desperate for men to make more of an effort”, The survey, revealed that 61% of women think that men of the '50s were more desirable than today’s men. It also stated that 82% of the women surveyed “preferred old-style chivalry such as holding doors or buying flowers to their modern equivalent- buying a drink” (Styles, 2012). Chivalry has most likely fallen on its sword and died, as it is rarely ever seen being practiced by men today. As time went on, men stopped standing by their chivalrous standards, and have created modernized approaches to what they classify as being a gentleman to a woman. To some people, chivalry is considered an ancient practice that is outdated, hence the creation of the popular saying “chivalry is dead”. However, it is because of this belief that men no longer possess the old-school gentlemanly traits that some women seek.  

   Secondly, as time has progressed, so have social norms. Gender used to be more simply defined, and there were strict, designated expectations for both men and women. Women were expected to be lady-like, and men were expected to be gentlemanly. Social etiquette played a very important role during the Victorian era, which is where most imagery of  “the true gentleman” derived from. Walter Houghton wrote in Rules of Etiquette and Home Culture "It is the duty of a gentleman to know how to ride, to shoot, to fence, to box, to swim, to row and to dance. He should be graceful. If attacked by ruffians, a man should be able to defend himself, and also to defend women from their insults" (208). The expectations of the way a man should carry himself and treat others were high in the 19th century. In Arthur Martine’s book Martine's Handbook of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness written in 1866, he states that it is a man’s duty to disregard his personal comfort to allow himself to be considerate of others, especially women, when being seated in public. “The pleasantest or most comfortable seats belong to the ladies, and you should never refuse to resign such seats to them with a cheerful politeness” (134).  Women too were expected to wear corsets, gowns draped over petticoats and were expected to carry themselves with grace and perfect decorum. The evolution of social etiquette and culture is drastic as men and women no longer need to conform to a particular image, and now have freedom of movement to portray themselves as they so desire. Men were once praised for parading in top hats and being respectful to women. Now, they’re praised for the exact opposite. Some men of today’s society view being a gentleman as less masculine or are embarrassed by having manners. They are praised for behavior such as infidelity and disrespecting women’s bodies. In a study taken by James Samuel Coleman, a researcher and sociologist at The University of Chicago, he concluded that for boys, “sexual exploits are conquests, and thus actions that gain them status rather than lose it” (p. 122). Similarly, Eder, Evans, and Parker (1995) found that “what was considered acceptable behavior in boys—making sexual passes at other boy’s girlfriends as well as at their own girlfriends—was definitely not considered acceptable in girls”. Women have also changed in the way that they respect and present themselves, which contributes to the normalization of men and their heartless flippancy. Today’s society of men and women have become demoralized. Dr. Ian Bethell-Bennett mentions in a local article titled Culture and Gender that “Respect has changed. It used to be that women were respectable when they conducted themselves with Victorian virtue and morality, and men were respectable when they behaved as gentlemen. It now means being in fear of and fear-filled respect for someone who, if not respected will kill you, if you are a young man, or slap you if you are a young woman. Some young women care little if people know about their sexual exploits, in fact, they will celebrate them” (Bethell-Bennett 2016). He also states that images from the media encourage men to take on a tough, uneducated, feared gangster role, while they are called “soft” if they do not follow this unmanned standard of street culture. The contrast between the Victorian gentleman and the typical modern-day man is striking as the caliber of personal conduct for both men and women has dropped, drastically. With the removal of social gender-related expectations such as these, society has now taken on an outlook where both men and women have diminished their moral values and are no longer expected to conform to the traditional, thou-must-be-a-lady era.   

    Additionally, these social and cultural changes brought on the liberation of women from social constructs which lead to the introduction of the movement, feminism. Many say that feminism is the one true murder of the perfect gentleman as some women find gentleman-like gestures as sexist. An author and feminism activist Anna Holmes in her book The Book of Jezebel, defines being a gentleman as “a man who believes that by conforming to a certain code of behavior—opening doors, pulling out chairs … —he may cultivate a benevolent superiority over women.” (13). Chivalry is now being viewed as inequality between men and women, as it is believed to deem women inferior and unequal to men. In the Victorian era women were expected to “remember your standing as a lady, and never approve a mean action, nor speak an unrefined word; let all your conduct be such as an honorable and right-minded man may look for in his wife and the mother of his children. The slightest duplicity destroys confidence” (Martine 148). In this notion, women were expected to carry themselves well to be deemed as desirable as a wife by a man. The idea that women had to suppress themselves to be desirable to a man is the issue that feminists have with chivalry and gentlemanliness. Feminists believe that they are equally as capable as a man to provide, protect and educate themselves, which essentially goes against the views of the old-fashioned chivalrous man. However, is it truly impossible for both chivalry and feminism to coexist? No. However, the real question is, are men willing to make the appropriate changes in their mannerisms to accommodate women’s new feminist stance? Emma Watson, actress and feminist states in an interview with Bustle Magazine “I love having the door open for me,” Watson said during a conversation about men's role in helping enforce gender equality. “I love being taken to dinner." She added, "But I think the key is, would you mind if I open the door for you?” (Watson 2015). Feminists don’t want a knight in shining armor swooping to their rescue assuming that they’re in distress, they simply want a man who will acknowledge their capability and power as women but will still offer his assistance out of respect. Being a feminist as well as being a gentleman in the modern world is possible once both provide mutual respect.  

   In conclusion, being a gentleman should not just be geared toward the way that men treat women, it should be a form of character, the way that he carries himself and treats all people similar to the traditional chivalrous man. Although some gender-related social expectations have dropped, traditional chivalry died and feminism was introduced, creating a modern gentleman is still possible. Being a gentleman is a matter of choice. Modern chivalry should be defined as generous behavior and having good manners to all- not just women.