Forgiveness is one of those acquired skills that, even though necessary, most people have a hard time cultivating. This difficulty can come from many places, when someone else has wronged you, it’s hard to let go of it because of pride, lack of trust, and lack of understanding.
When you have wronged yourself, however, the issue can be even deeper. How do you come to terms with the fact that you can’t trust yourself? How to move on from all of the mistakes you committed against your own livelihood?
Since forgiveness is helpful to truly move on from past hurt, I will make it clear from the beginning that in order to forgive, you don’t need to bring the other person back into your life. Especially if they haven’t learned from their mistake and can hurt you again.
Sometimes moving on can be simply letting go of the resentment and anger that is holding you back, while still keeping people who bring you down out of your life.
So, in this article, we will discuss the skill - or rather the art - of forgiving.
When others have wronged you
A wise person once said that you only forgive the mistakes you can understand and empathize with. So, if a friend of yours has dropped the ball with you, it’s a lot easier to move on from it if their mistake was understandable. You might still be angry, you would never do what they did, it was incredibly stupid and cruel against you, but still, you can see where they were coming from.
The problem comes when pride makes it impossible to put yourself in another person’s shoes and makes you see the situation entirely from your perspective. At that moment, it is important to realize that:
1. People are creatures of their environment
As hard as it may seem, it is important to take a moment and try to imagine how the other person got to the point in their life where they made this mistake. A lot of vices in adulthood can come from being ignored, thrown around, and ridiculed in the early stages of life.
People aren’t created in vacuums, so it’s crucial to try and see what could have brought the person to act so arrogantly, inconsiderately, and cruelly towards someone else. When you are past this stage, it’s possible to look at the other person as someone who’s suffered as well and may be deserving of more empathy.
Even more difficult to recognize is how we are full of vices too. Of course, in your life, you will encounter people whose faults aren’t comparable to your own, human beings who are dangerously faulty that you should keep away. But if the situation involves a dear friend or loved one who acted unthinkingly, we should consider how many mistakes we’ve made on other occasions.
How many times have we accidentally hurt someone’s feelings and regretted it deeply? And how many times has our pride kept us from openly recognizing mistakes?
2. Acting on self-love
If you still think it’s difficult to put yourself in this person’s shoes because of what they did, then focus on yourself. Take a moment of introspection to recognize how this anger and grudge is causing you stress and is holding you back from achieving your potential happiness.
As mentioned earlier, moving on can take the form of letting go without bringing this person into your heart again, and that kind of forgiveness is very beneficial to everyone.
It allows you to stop the cycle of negative emotions, and the constant rumination of what happened can take a break when you decide to let go, for yourself.
When you have wronged yourself
It’s an extremely heartbreaking task to admit how much we hurt ourselves daily, probably more than anyone else has ever done.
This feeling of anger against oneself can creep up when you have a moment of self-reflection, and you become aware of how many times you had the opportunity to take action and follow your dream, but you lacked the motivation. You realize how much damage you have done to your mental health by engaging in constant negative thinking.
This is the moment where you have to face the problem head-on. There is no escape, and you can’t cut anyone out of your life because in this case, the perpetrator is the person in the mirror.
1. Learning the value of being wrong
No human being goes through life making all the right choices and doing everything they’re supposed to. We, by design, are flawed and self-conscious animals who are always focused on moving forward by all means necessary.
This can also mean that we obsess over mistakes, overthink things and imagine how our life would’ve been better if we hadn’t made this or that decision. “I should’ve…” are usually the words that taunt us more when we overthink, along with “What if I had…”.
When we engage in this type of harsh self-interrogation, no useful or kind answer can be provided. We then conclude that we make so many mistakes because we are incapable, selfish, indiscreet, etc. These thoughts take control of our minds little by little, and by the time we realize that this is negative self-hate speech, it has already dominated our brain.
The only way to pull ourselves out of this loop of negativity is to start recognizing the intrinsic value of making mistakes time and time again. After all, the tool that allows us to recognize mistakes is part of our evolution, it helps us see what went wrong, not so that we can punish ourselves for it, but so we can grow.
It’s very helpful to think that if you hadn’t made this mistake, you wouldn’t be the person you are today and because you got it wrong so many times in the past, your chances of getting it right this time are that much higher.
2. The second best time is now
As the old Chinese proverb goes “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now”.
That phrase is very useful when dealing with the thought of missed opportunities since so many of us can feel depressed for not starting a task earlier, not studying sooner, not exercising while young.
Forgiving your past self is the only way to move on with your present life. What was done yesterday is done, all you can do is improve today, your second best time.
