At some point I got tired of the institution called marriage; for almost two years no intimacy existed between my husband and me. In fact, after the birth of our daughter, there has been no show and it's become increasingly frustrating.
Gozie, my husband, seems to have lost all interest in intimacy. It's important to grasp the gravity of my statement. Despite numerous attempts to reignite the spark, as suggested by well-meaning friends, nothing has worked. Every time, his response is either fatigue or he is not in the mood. He's gainfully employed, has no life crises, and as far as I can tell, our relationship was in a stable place. He's a loving and caring husband who actively participates in parenting, assisting with school drop-offs, and frequently doing thoughtful things for me—except for this one crucial aspect.
To complicate issues there was mounting pressure from admirers. A friend and colleague at the office whom I opened up to suggested it's either he can’t get it up or he is getting it somewhere else, given that he's a man. I know he can get it up and secondly, I can account for his daily movements. He heads to work, keeps me updated when he's away from the office, and notifies me when he finishes from work and returns home.
I went so far as to hire a Private Investigator to shadow Gozie, but his routine remained unchanged. I initially suspected he was seeing someone at his workplace, but the PI confirmed he wasn't involved with anyone from the office. With no live-in maid and our cleaning lady visiting only once a week during the weekend when I'm home, it's just us and the children in the house. The situation drove me to the edge, and I decided to let it go, but recent events gave me concerns.
My husband and I argued and I think I overreacted; I confided in my male friend at the office. In the heat of the moment, seeking comfort, our conversation took an unexpected turn, and before I knew it, we were kissing. It wasn't until he tried to put his hand in my blouse that I snapped out of it. He apologized, explaining that he didn't mean to take advantage and was carried away. I couldn't entirely blame him, as I found solace in the embrace—it had been months since I experienced such closeness. I became more cautious afterwards, determined not to place myself in similar compromising situations.
During the ordeal, I narrated the issue to my Gozie's best friend. I implored him to talk to Gozie on my behalf, which he did. However, when my Gozie returned, he accused me of discussing our private matters with others and sternly warned me against doing so again. On one occasion when my husband was out of town, the same friend visited our house, claiming he wanted to help me out voluntarily. Shockingly, he suggested that he could provide intimate services in place of my husband, and insisted it would be free of charge. I felt deeply offended and demeaned, promptly rejecting his proposition and warning him that I would inform my husband if he ever attempted such a thing again.
Later, I met another guy who showered me with attention. A friend suggested that, since my husband isn't meeting my needs, I should seek fulfillment elsewhere. This new admirer is handsome and quite romantic. Despite his gestures, I consistently turned down his gifts. However, I eventually accepted a perfume from him, intending to gauge my husband's reaction when I mentioned it was a gift from an admirer. To my surprise, my Gozie reported me to my mother, who scolded me like a child. I couldn't bring myself to reveal the challenges I was dealing with; I was at my wit's end.
Angry, I resolved to cheat on my husband. We were scheduled to attend a training in another city, and one of the organizers expressed interest in me from the beginning.
Despite my initial refusals, I contemplated giving in to him. However, on the first day of the training, a session on mental health disorders caught my attention. It was mentioned that a loss of sexual interest could be a sign of a mental health disorder, with some individuals experiencing a decline in daily life activities due to depression. This revelation added a new perspective to my situation.
This made me ponder: could Gozie be experiencing something similar? I decided to consult the trainer and explain the situation. After a series of questions, he suggested that my husband might be dealing with depression and recommended a therapist. I abandoned my previous plan involving the organizer, eager to return home. However, there was a problem – how to convince Gozie to agree to see a therapist? Then an idea struck me.
Upon my return home that weekend, I informed Gozie that I was arranging a meeting with his mother and sisters.
"Why?" he asked.
"I want them to help me understand why you haven't been intimate with me for almost two years," I replied.
"What! I thought we agreed not to involve our family in our private matters."
"Yes, but I can't bear this in silence any longer. I'm losing my sanity. It's either they address this or you come with me to see a therapist."
After stating this, he stared at me, so I pressed on. I dialed my mother-in-law. "Mama, good afternoon."
Before I could hear her response, Gozie took the phone from me. "Okay, fine, I will accompany you to see a therapist." I smiled.
The therapist's diagnosis left me in shock. Gozie was suffering from depression. Initially quiet, he eventually opened up. He confessed that, for a while, he hadn't felt like a man because I was the primary breadwinner, and his job didn't provide enough to support the family. Despite his efforts to start a business and secure funding, he faced constant setbacks.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I inquired.
"After the last business failed, and I had taken money from you, I couldn't bring myself to approach you again," he admitted.
"But you should have known that what's mine is ours."
"You don't understand, Ezinne. My mother was the breadwinner in our family, and I witnessed how she treated my father. The constant stress led to his death from hypertension, and it seemed like history was repeating itself."
"But I'm not your mother," I countered.
"I know, but I'm still uncomfortable with you being the primary breadwinner," he confessed.
"So, what do we do now?" I asked.
Following the therapist's advice to reassure Gozie of my love and support, especially given his childhood disorder (ACEs - Adverse Childhood Experiences), I decided to take action to help him regain his independence. because I truly understand how he felt. No man wants to be dependent on others, especially their wife. I explored options within my workplace. Since I became eligible for a vehicle allowance, I discussed the possibility of taking a loan and adding it to my savings.
"You would do that for me?" Gozie asked.
"Yes, Gozie, I'll do anything for you. Even if the business doesn't work out, we'll find another way," I assured him.
"Thank you, Ezzy. You don't know what this means to me."
After our discussion, I went about my chores and after putting the children to bed I retired for the night. Surprisingly, Gozie, who would usually be asleep by that time, was still awake. I bid him good night, turned off the light, and then felt him behind me. One thing led to another, and that's how I got back my husband.
It's been a year now, Gozie's business is thriving, and he is still going strong in the bedroom.
