"Mommy and Me (The Narcissistic Mother)"

I think my Mom has some kind of hex on me!!

I subconsciously feel as though my mom prays on the downfall of my dreams so that I’ll always in some way need her. If she had the nuts I have, she might just say I’d fall flat on my face without her.

She’s never really been affectionate, not much through my adult life do I remember too much love and affection, we don’t tell each other we love each other much, and we don’t hug each other, or kiss each other on the cheek unless one of us are about to hop on an airplane. I don’t have it in me to be inauthentic, so “selfies” with my mom or even her having me take pictures of her, bothers me. Holding hands in church is even awkward, and random hugs from her seem forced and somewhat cringe. She’s never been FULLY supportive and in any possible way, she’d come with a negative outlook on things I want to do, goals I want to achieve, anything having to do with my peace, my success, and my happiness instead of having faith that I get there, or it’ll go in one ear and out the other, but yet…….. She stays in my business.

Funny how God works, he blessed me with a child whose love languages are the same as mine and the ones that I lacked. And now with experiences and life’s bullshit, it may be hard for me to accept it from a companion.

With the narcissistic mother, it’s hard to accept the nice things she does for me. Or anyone for that matter. The excitement shatters the moment the rug is snatched from underneath me. She can be very generous. While I won’t ask for a thing, Ubering her around, pampering her, cleaning her entire house, sweeping, mopping, dusting, scrubbing, decluttering, straightening, and waiting on her hand and foot… it just seems so rude for her not to do nice things for me. And of course like the cycle, I’ll always later regret accepting her offer because she’s back doing the next narcissistic thing.

Like throwing basic parental duties in my face, telling me things didn’t happen or certain things weren’t said, telling me i’m remembering things wrong, or guilt tripping me for simply not wanting to do something, or having boundaries in general.

I shouldn’t have boundaries when it comes to my mother, right?? That’s crazy!

I’m never able to use my mom to my advantage the way she does to me because I’m so busy trying to keep a distance from her. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. I’ll die and kill anyone for her, and I’ll never take away from the times she’s saved my ass from multiple situations throughout my life, which makes it even more fucked up to wish there was another way.

You know it’s bad when revenge means nothing to you, all you want is peace. Seems like she’s there to pat my back and give me her undivided moral support when things aren’t going well for me, because you’ll always need your mom, right?

Learning to heal from the hurt of knowing that my mom will never care enough to even “see” me or make necessary sacrifices for herself or her “Lil Family” or leave a legacy behind; given all the talents she has, how beautiful she is, and all the people she knew/ knows.

It squanders.

Feeling like you were just bought into the world to take care of your mom is crazy work.

And I was/am one of those people that could never imagine cutting their mother off, but as much as I love my mother, I often go harder for myself to make sure that I’m self aware enough to never be a narcissistic parent to my daughter.

The true friends that really care for her and hold her accountable are the friends she rarely associates with, as opposed to the friends who enable her. as she would sit there and play victim to others when they’re on the outside looking in, I just hold my breath. My mom will literally argue with me in a building full of strangers and not give a single damn as long as there’s someone around to agree with her. it won’t end.

It…… won’t……. End.

There is absolutely nothing that anyone who has known my mom for years in a totally different way, can tell me about her as a Mother.

Luckily, I was fortunate to find myself having witnesses to her behavior that actually care for us both. Not that I was looking for any, but I got tired of feeling unseen, being unheard, and being portrayed as the bad guy and this belligerent, arrogant, mean and evil daughter to her innocent “Elderly” mother. I eventually got tired of people saying…

“that’s still your mom“

She’s like a mixture of mommy, dearest and Carrie‘s mom from the movie, “Carrie“ except she wasn’t physically abusive nor was she constantly thumping a Bible at me. Hell, I probably stepped up to my mom more than she’s raised up to me just off the strength of being fed up with the bullshit. Like the time she wouldn’t let me go out only because she didn’t have plans.

She paints a pretty decent picture of “The Three Generations” on social media. It gets to know firsthand how much she loves and appreciates me, how proud of me she is, how much she admires me as a mother, how talented I am, how much of a go-getter I am, etc. But the actions don’t match with the kind words that the world gets to see. whereas, I don’t mind telling my mom to her face how much I appreciate her and what shes done for me, but as if that’s not enough, she’ll have an absolute fit if there’s not a paragraph posted about her by me on socials on a special day.

And It didn’t occur to me until my older years that she would compete with me at times, but since she’s leaving it up to me to give her the soft life she deserves, I figure I’d turn my situation into something that could benefit the both of us. Longing to be in a position to give her whatever she wants so she can leave me alone.

These days, I don’t mind telling her how I feel. I don’t let her get too comfortable with me now, Shit!… she doesn’t let herself get too comfortable. I feed her criticism about herself and things she should fix, but of course she’s only good at dishing it, not taking it. She knows this won’t last too much longer as i’m growing older and the shit is toxic as hell around my child.

BECAUSE ONE OF US HAVE TO GIVE A FUCK, RIGHT???

I use to think that you were a product of your upbringing and how people raised you, but I also feel like when you have children, you have choices on bettering yourself FOR yourself; mind, body, and spirit. Which brings me to the constant malingering and speaking illnesses into existence, she shuts down anything I suggest that will help her health wise, however, if she isn’t worried, neither am I!

I get anxious these days and easily irritated and impatient very fast when i’m wanted and needed for things, I often struggle with knowing that things are better left unsaid and to just take notes and learn to walk away, but i’ll be the first to admit that i’m not that mature yet. I feel like people should know what bothers you and after that, you take notes on how they continue to treat you and proceed on with life how you feel is best for you. Find your way of peace. But, in this case, nothing will change. Narcissist hardly ever admit that they need help. Therapy has only been sought on my end, but even the therapist fell off the face of the earth after our first session.

It gets out of control and sometimes its enough to make you wish things were different. I admire the women my age who have mother’s they can talk to about anything, mother’s who are independent, who are put together, who WANT to be there, who listen, the ones who instill and speak light, instead constant feels of the devils advocate.

Lucky for me, I have learned how to navigate this lifestyle and learned not to let it take over my life in the moments that I feel have no control over it because I do.

Nobody has control over your life, but you.

My advice is to start speaking up and do better in life and stand on your boundaries. The choices you make in your life say everything about you. You are your own person and you don’t owe anyone a damn thing. Be the best you can be no matter your situation, especially if you have little ones watching you.

Stories like mine don’t have a fairy tale ending. I mean, I don’t know one. But, controlling your narrative, changing the dynamics in how you want things to go, lies in the palm of your hands.

Stay True.

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“Do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord”

Ephesians 6:4