Healing and Self-Love in Relationships

All my life I’ve been surrounded by guys that needed severe fixing - it’s like the universe only wanted me to meet such guys in my life. Maybe I’m the one who has subconsciously manifested such guys- since a young age.

Everyone wants to be loved. But unhealed healers want to love. As a healer in my past life (I know this from studying astrology, numerology and behavioural and karmic incidences), I have been almost obsessed with healing guys who needed healing. As someone who grew up without a father (my dad and mom seperated when I was 7), I have always tried to fill the unconscious void of my father.

I love how the universe sometimes hands you what you least need, disguised as desire. It’s almost mischievous—like it wants you to fall for the lesson. But I also love that it’s all part of growth. We are here to learn lessons and experiment for the most of our lives what’s good and what’s bad.

You fall in love with the idea of him becoming a better version of himself… not who he is, but who he could be. Realistically and bluntly—you love the quiet power you hold in the dynamic: the one who ‘heals’. It’s more about you than it’s about the guy; that is why this feels so good.

It’s about what happens when you heal, and when you are done being the unnecessary healer because you realize you were never meant to heal them. When you become aware of the fact that it’s not your job to heal another, but in fact to heal yourself and take back your femininity, because, let’s be honest, loving an unhealed guy does make you a little bit masculine because you give up your happiness and making sacrifices for others- that’s the unhealed idea of femininity. When you heal, and you become open to meeting people again, you will meet unhealed guys still, but your job, and test is to realize that you need to walk in the other direction this time.

So you wait and watch. You stand in the middle of the road, but consciously this time. It’s a delicate balance between loving someone for who they are right now (because that’s the beauty of love), but silently hoping they become the version of themselves. That line between acceptance and desire. You don’t wanna heal him, because you’re tired, and let’s be honest, bored even- but you still like him, so you quietly see what he does. It’s not that he is not allowed to have issues, it’s that he should be quick enough to recognize them and work towards healing them. You’re, but by choice, stuck between not playing the therapist or saviour, and still being the person who holds space for someone’s growth.

I give space for friendship first before I turn to love, because if we can’t be friends, we cannot be lovers. I love when the relationship is more than a relationship in its conventional meaning of the romantic version of a bond. The first external layer is being best friends, vibing on the same wavelength, playful flirting, harmless teasing. The next layer is understanding, caring, balancing between co-dependence and independence and so on. The next, deeper layer is, letting each other be as they are, not trying to control their feelings, mindsets, not imposing beliefs on each other. And the best part about this is, all this depends on how much the both of you love yourself. All this depends on self-love.

When you choose not to be the healer, it will pinch a bit. But that pinch will be liberating; you’ll still love him, but this time from a distance. You’ll love quietly, hopefully—but with boundaries. And if he doesn’t evolve? You’ll leave, not in pain, but in peace. You’ll be with him for some time, with less expectations, silently wishing he changes, but if he doesn’t, you won’t feel bad or sad to walk away. Your mind will say, “I’m not his rehab. But I might be his reminder that healing is worth it” and walk away, wishing him the best.