Helping Kids Build Resilience Through BJJ

No, I am not telling you how to raise your kids.

No, I am not criticising how parents raise their kids.

No, I am not a mom, and I know I cannot discuss the subject.

However, over the past two years, I've had the privilege of working closely with kids of all ages and their parents, and I've gained valuable insights from those experiences. I'll be sharing my perspective based on that experience.

Scenario: Your kid just started Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ) less than a month ago, and in the third or fourth class, they say: “Mom, BJJ is hard. I don't want to do it anymore!”

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How would you act in this situation? The options below are the most common ones I've seen:

This situation happens at least 3-4 times monthly at our school. The parents' reaction is usually number 1 or 2 of the above. The end result is that the kid eventually leaves BJJ.

Having been part of the community for years and witnessing the significant impact of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu on children, it breaks my heart when they struggle to find the tools to progress in this journey. It's not simply a lack of motivation but an unawareness of how to deal with feelings of frustration. At the end of the day, these kids need help understanding how they are feeling and how to deal with that.​

This is a big deal even between adults, from white belts to black belts. The life lesson we get from Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is to learn how to deal with our feelings. Most of us take our entire lives to learn it. What if our kids can learn it right away? Wouldn't that make their lives easier?

When the parents choose number 3, we hold their hands and help them deal with their child's frustration in the best way possible. It takes work. There are MANY days when the kids don't want to attend class.

We have to sit with them and tell them they're doing amazing. That it's okay to feel that way, but this is an opportunity to learn something REALLY IMPORTANT: that by doing hard things, we get better at them, become resilient, and don't break at the first sign of a challenge. This is a life skill that will stay with them forever and will help them be a successful person.

We are shaping their decision-making: when they face a tough test at school or hear a NO in a job interview, will they crumble and give up, or take a deep breath and keep going?

Those kids who initially want to give up but push a little more (with the help of their parents) create a stronger connection with Jiu-Jitsu and are usually the most passionate students in class. They often become improved versions of themselves with immense growth in emotional management.

I've been following the work of Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and specialist in parenting. She says kids are born with the same emotions as adults; they just lack the tools to deal with those emotions. That's where parents, mentors, and caregivers come in to teach them it's okay to feel frustrated and sad when things are hard and that if they keep going, things will eventually get easier.

Now, looking back at my childhood, one thing my parents always made clear to me is that in life, there will be many times we have to do things we don't like.

This applies to eating healthier, exercising, and even being in relationships. Tough times will come, and giving up won't do us any good.

I'm not judging any parent's decision because I don't know what they're going through. But reflecting on all the times I faced something hard, my parents were there teaching me not to give up and to keep going when I faced a challenge.

This made me more independent and resilient, ready to face things head-on and not let life bring me down. If at some point I wanted to quit, I knew in my heart that at least I tried to make it work, which helps make the tough decisions with peace in my heart.

I envision all those kids being brave enough to face their feelings and try again, even though it's hard.

Every child's journey will include moments of doubt, frustration, and confusion. These are pivotal moments during which the lessons they learn can shape their future resilience and outlook on challenges.

Encouraging kids to persevere through difficult times is not just about sticking with an activity like BJJ; it's about teaching them a life-long ability to confront and overcome adversity.

It's about showing them that facing their fears and difficulties head-on helps them grow stronger and more capable.

By supporting kids through these challenging times, we are helping them build a toolkit for life's inevitable challenges. They are learning to:

Problem-Solve: Finding ways to overcome obstacles.

Stay Committed: Understanding that achieving goals often requires persistence.

Build Confidence: Knowing they can handle difficult situations builds self-assurance.

Manage Emotions: Recognise that it's okay to feel frustrated or disappointed and learn how to navigate these emotions.

Remember, the goal is not only to keep them in BJJ but to show them the value of perseverance in every aspect of life. Whether it's in school, future careers, or personal relationships, the ability to push through challenges and not give up at the first sign of difficulty is a crucial skill.

As parents, mentors, or guardians, we have the unique opportunity to guide and support children through these experiences. Encourage them, stand by them, and help them see the bigger picture: success often comes through perseverance, resilience, and the willingness to face difficult emotions.

When the kids eventually overcome those initial difficulties, parents often return with the most amazing stories of transformation. They share how their kids have changed and grown, how they stand up for themselves, and even stand up to bullies at school while helping friends who lack the skills to handle such situations. They often express their gratitude, noting how their children now have the tools to tackle school exams and make good decisions in their personal lives.

How amazing is that?

This journey is not just about mastering a martial art; it's about personal growth and developing the character traits that will benefit them throughout their lives.