Reflections on Moving to the Netherlands

I came to the Netherlands for a few reasons. To leave America, mostly, but why come here? Well, I took a trip a few months ago and fell in love with the place. An old friend invited me to watch their animals. I agreed. It was nice. I was treated. I was invited to stay even longer. Before I knew it, my friend connected me with a moving agent, a lawyer, and connections all in one. They told me of the beauties and joys of moving to the Netherlands. Boy, were they right. It’s beautiful here. That’s the first thing I’ll say. The people are beautiful too. The way they interact, the way the sociality is set up. It’s all beautiful, it holds so much joy. Though, I feel like I need some more people.

When I came here, I expected to rely on my friend for at least some consistent social stimulation. Boy, was I wrong! I could not get that from them and they could not fulfill that for me. One day, after staying over at my friends, they had suspected I was doing a hard drug in their house and exposing them to it. I only write this so candidly because of the laughter it brought to my heart. To come to an unknown location, knowing few, my friend thought I would pick up another habit. One that endangered them. I find it endearing, interesting, and proud. I’m proud that I can confidently say no, and I am interested in the thought that I would do it at all. Even after I said no, they persisted with accusatory lines of questioning referencing people who have done drugs under their nose in the past. I don’t know. I think I’m Black and they’re white, and that context is enough to know that when a white person is accusing a Black person of this act, of doing hard drugs or being a “crackhead,” it can be seen as violent due to the history of the drug. Especially after a “no.” I was so baffled and distraught. My ancestors were livid inside me. I could feel my blood boil and my face get hot. I imagined the first time I heard a gunshot. I was so enflamed at the accusation. I was disrespectful to my friend and I was doubtful of their intentions in the friendship at all. I could’ve reacted more calm. I’m glad I didn’t.

After our verbal brawl, I agreed to meet up with this friend to exchange my things left at their home. However, they left my stuff at my doorstep while I wasn’t home. Attempting to avoid all interaction and confrontation. They’re scared. Of me? My Blackness? (I know every time I mention being Black it’s thought of as a grab, a card, something I say when things are too hard, but no— I know when my Blackness really, truly shows. It will be doubted by many, especially those who think they know.) I called again, more mad this time than the last. I wasn’t home! What if someone else were to grab that bag? This wasn’t what we agreed, they’re attempting to leave so well. This wasn’t what we agreed, and they took it upon themself. I was angry and I screamed, then I walked back home to collect my things. On the walk back to my destined location, I thought: I know friends don’t last forever, though more than a few weeks should be bought. Not for me… So anyway, I’m here and today, I fully realized I was alone! I even have to get checked at the doctor because I have strep throat. So many things are going awry. I have no one to turn to. That reminded me that I’m alone, real alone, through and through. No one is here for me! No, not even you. Just little ole’ Imani. This is a test. I’m passing (as you’d expect).

I am so used to being around others. So much so, that their time I do smother. I do take it all. All I can at least. When I really like someone I use their being as a feast. I take little by little. They always want me to, of course. I take little by little, it really takes no work. Then, when the being is emaciated, almost all the way done, they will ask me why I’ve eaten so much? Why have I put their meat in a bun? Well, this is what you asked for! I eat and consume so well! This is what they ask for, then they doubt themselves. You wanted to be here for me. Though, my appetite is large, and some are surprised that I’m hungry.

I’m a fire sign, so I yield it with power. Today is the last day of Mercury Retrograde. I think soon I’ll gain my power. Every day I take a shower, to keep the fire low. Every time I lose a friend, an unknown piece of me is known. Some say that I’ll fail, that’s how I know I won’t. I always do opposite of what’s expected & can you kiss me through the phone? Why’d you leave me here alone? I’m different by myself. I need to remember I’m here alone. I can count on no one else. Can I offer up my home? Can you be nice and love me so? Can you stick through the hard times? I have a hunch you won’t. I know you’ll leave when you feel the heat. Common sense takes over. Leave when you feel the heat, but leave my four leaf clover! Leave my luck with me. You could never take that so. Leave my luck with me.

Though, don’t forever leave me alone. Come back. Over and over and over. Come back, how could this ever be over? See how I flip and flop? See how I wish and wash? Even I know the stability is sparse. So no, I won’t blame you for protecting your heart.

I regret moving here... I’m lying! Why would I regret a single thing when I could keep on trying? Why I would I regret a single thing when I could celebrate myself? Why regret when I could add more value to my shelf. Why regret, when no matter what, every victory will be felt. Why regret when only losers do? Why regret when I could keep on climbing? I haven’t regretted an action of mine since I stopped my whining. I need to whine and scream and shout and let you know what I’m talking about. I need to whine. That’s the only thing I regret. When I stopped whining that one time. I needed to do it then! I need to do it now. I’ll never forget the last time you ever came around.

I will continue to complain, about what? I don’t know. I will continue to complain & write until I feel that I wrote. I love living here. It’s challenging, expensive, lonely, beautiful, captivating even. It’s jubilant, cold, breezy, full and empty in the evenings. Different than my home, which was the whole point of moving far and distant. It’s slow here. It’s different. Just what I needed— doctor’s orders.

I could’ve gone anywhere, but I was drawn here last June. I could’ve written to anyone, but I decided to write to you! Thanks for reading all my details. Thanks for liking every email. Thanks for supporting me, I need it bad. Thanks for supporting me. I wish you were my dad— I’m glad you’re not. Thanks for supporting me and giving me a shot.

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

Thank you for reading and thinking this through with me. Your attention means more than you know.

Do you like my writing? Buy my book! PLEASE!