I'm an Atheist That Goes to Church Every Sunday
Imani Warren
Maybe I believe in God. I (probably) don’t.
I was baptized at the age of 8. Not by force, but by choice. I begged my mom to let me get baptized, so I could have the special kid’s Bible that my church handed out after each baptism. It felt special. Like I needed it in order to belong. A missing piece of my armor against the devil.
I went to an all Black Baptist Church, the second oldest Baptist church in my hometown of St. Louis, Missouri. To say it was traditional would be an understatement. They openly preached against being gay and gay marriage, all while having a pastor pimped out in our tithes. A shame, really, but in my little eyes, this was what community meant. Baptism were a tradition for children once they are able to understand God and be renewed of their sins. At least in this denomination. Mine was quick and wet, and I had just gotten glasses so that was a factor. I just remember it seeming very hectic in my mind.
After getting baptized, I walked to the car with my family. My mother, grandmother, and my two baby sisters, Nia and Hannah. My mom ended up having one more child after this, but she wasn’t alive yet to witness the beauty of my baptism. I’m sure my other sisters weren’t very cognizant, either. Opening the car door of the cherry colored minivan, I sat in the middle console. As I opened the window, and we cruised away, I let the wind flip each page of my bible so I could land on a verse that would help me through my day. You could say this was one of my first attempts at connecting to my ancestors, as innocent as it was. I would do this many Sunday’s following just to see what messages I needed and what God was attempting to tell me.
When my father met my stepmother, a white Christian woman from a nice Anglo-Saxon family, religion began to have a different hue in my eyes. It was more colorful, in fact. Probably because of all the rainbow flags. My stepmom and her family belonged to a UCC or a United Church of Christ. This denomination is known for being Open and Affirming, which is a term in the Christian community to refer to those who welcome people of all sexualities and backgrounds openly as a basis of the foundation of the institution. My UCC was no different. I met my first non-binary person at that church. I saw my first gay relationship at that church. I heard Black Lives Matter from a religious authority for the first time at the church. I was confirmed at that church.
For some Christians and most Catholics (what’s the difference?) confirmation is one of the holy sacraments that we participate in to show a devotion to God, and boy was I devoted! I had four friends in there who were all nerdy white boys in one way or another. They were all gay, one had blue hair. I miss him. He was my best friend at the time… We all grew together going on retreats and having bonding activities. One of our duties was learning about Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, and Judaism to make sure we actually wanted to be Christian. That’s right— I was given options, but that didn’t matter to the devotion of my heart. I was confirmed in the summer of 2016, one of my proudest moments. After studying the Bible and the religion I held dear to my heart for so many years, I was officially a member who was a part of this community. I loved the feeling.
As the years passed, I went to church less. My faith was still the same, yet fading. Bad things happened to me. The people I trusted did everything in their power to hurt me. That’s a different story for a different time, but know— it was 2020 when I stopped believing in God. December of 2020, in fact. I learned the news that my uncle had died in October. No one told me. How couldn’t they? Why didn’t my family feel the need to share? Did it matter to them? Does life matter anymore? As people were dying left and right, with tragedy striking even harder, I decided to give up my belief in God and officially become an atheist. I guess my AP Environmental Science class helped me make sense of the world in a way that didn’t include, or rather didn’t need God. I was confident in my decision! I hadn’t gone to a church for almost 5 years. Until August of 2024.
That’s when this guy left me, and he left and took my heart you see? He left and took the best of me, so I was left with the rest of me (as little as it was). I looked to above for direction, then realized I needed to look around, and make a kind of community sound! That August, I said “Yeah, nah, I can’t do this alone frl. That hurt so bad and I really need a dad, but I don’t have that, so I guess God will suffice?” Let’s just say I found my church home that night! I knew I wanted to go to a UCC, but in Chicago. I was looking on the map for UCC’s and ran across Lighthouse Church of Chicago, UCC. A Black-centered LGBTQ+ UCC on the north side, only 20 minutes away from where I was living at the time. I started going and brought a journal to write in during sermons. I feel like I used to forget them as a kid, but I’m an adult now, so the word is for me! At this point, I am still an atheist, but I knew that during slavery, Black people could really only gather at church. This is the epicenter of my culture. Even if I don’t believe, I know what to do and all the social cues. I fit in. So— yes— I went.
The pastor saw me every Sunday and after a few months invited me for a zoom chat to get to know me as a member. What a life-changing exchange. I confessed. Told him I didn’t believe in God and I’m a fraud and a liar too. He comforted me obviously, as he’s supposed to. He told me not to rush, and to take my time. He told me I was in the right place and in my right mind! I was proud of my admittal, nonetheless, I thought how could I have said that with my chest? Maybe 6 months later— it was cold, and I needed a big coat, but it was also sunny outside— I opened my hands while singing in church and I shut my eyes. I opened them again and felt God inside. I guess then I believed again (only cause I could not deny). I don’t know if I believe, but I can’t refute this feeling. I’m a Christian Atheist. Does that leave your mind peeling?
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Posted Aug 11, 2025
A personal narrative exploring faith, identity, and community through church experiences.
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