8yrs down the drain

In the end, nothing is as it seems and people are just as temporary as feelings. I do not believe it’s exhausting to fall in love and give all of yourself into making it work with someone you’re crazy about, I think people are just too scared to commit for fear of being used or seen as weak.

This is a reminder of the things that went down at midnight, the giggles and pet name-calling, the grunting, moaning and whispering of sweet nothings. At this time, how I feel can’t be explained especially as I thought I had found a long lasting friendship, only for it to end this abruptly. One thing we should never have done is have sex. I never saw him in that light but things happened so fast. Alas, it was just about a boy being a boy and nothing more .

I do have questions though. Questions that should have been answered before I let him touch my skin the way he did, before he sent currents down my body with soft kisses and made a river form right under me with his tongue.

Why me? I thought we were friends, what changed? How long had he harbored the thought of manhandling me? Had he always seen me this way? I honestly thought we were friends who had known each other well enough to keep in touch for 7yrs. On the other hand, did I secretly think about him in that way? Why did I give it up without a fight?

The first time he made made my body feel good, all I could do was whisper weakly, “we shouldn’t be doing this, this is wrong”. I couldn’t even gather myself enough to exit the scene. I loved what I was feeling. Damn it felt good. Well, I’ve heard doing things in the secret has a certain “je ne sais quoi”, that eggs you on. It may be that as well but that man had me right where he wanted me. He handled me with caution, like an egg almost like he read my manual before showtime. The events of that evening up until 6 months later, had me wondering if any part of him being my friend was real.

I wondered if he had always seen me in that way when I innocently spoke to him about the issues I had in my past relationships, if he had this day all planned out in his head, if he had striped me naked with his eyes every single time he saw me, with me oblivious to what was going on in his mind. I couldn’t help but think about the times I had sent him think pieces I had written, sometimes explicit ones, if he had touched himself after getting tensed up by my writing or even jerked off to my photos all these years.

It felt good. As a matter of fact it felt better because I had known this man long enough to not have any guards up which made it twice as enjoyable. One morning after he got dressed for work, I finally got out of the bed to give him a kiss and send him off to work but things happened and we ended up naked in the sitting room with his head in between my thighs and my hand on his oiled and brushed hair stroking in ecstasy.