Pssst, my name’s Lisa, and I’ve got a secret to tell you which will help you know what women want on Bumble… No, this isn’t a trick, this isn’t a test, this isn’t some sort of grand master plan for you to fail. This is just the simple truth of what women really want…

Sure, we love the textbook stuff, the trustworthy guy, the loving guy, the kind guy, the driven guy who also loves to sleep in with us on a Sunday and remembers our coffee order at his local café. You see, while we (kind of) know what want, we also REALLY, REALLY know what we don’t want.

Since this is my first blog and we’ve only just met, let’s get a little acquainted before I begin to blow your mind with the inner thought and feelings of my fellow womankind…

You may know me as @iamlisaclark. I am a 32-year-old content creator and blogger from Tamarama in Sydney’s East. I’m partial to an Aperol Spritz or two, and when I’m not working, eating or drinking with friends, you will find me at beach with my dog Levi or chilling with my boyfriend. You may be wondering where I got my dating advice street cred from, and that my friends is from reading way too many Danielle Steele novels as a child. It’s from kissing a few frogs. It’s from being ghosted, let down and cheated on. It’s from being the glue in my girl gang when it comes to picking up the pieces when their relationships go to sh!t. It’s from acting like a woman, but being able to think like a man. If there was a university of love, I would be the god damn dean. So hold onto your stubbies boys, I’m about to take you on a ride…

First things first, your Bumble profile… I’m not going to sugar coat this for you but it needs some work. Guys, step away from the mirror selfies, put on a shirt and please stop letting your sister Facetune your profile images - we see what you’re doing because we do it ourselves. There are also the super confusing group images you post on your profile which keeps us guessing which guy you actually are. The downfall is, it only takes the brain a mere 7 seconds for us to make an impression. It’s not a conscious process. We don’t even know we’re doing it. BUT it’s inbuilt in us just like it is to call bullshit when we see it. So while we are searching through your group photo to see if you look like a Matthew (who is 31 and 7kms away), BOOM! Time’s up! We have moved on to the next potential suitor. You with another mate is fine, perhaps back up the next image with just you chilling somewhere fab so we know exactly who we are matching with.

So you drank a beer out of your shoe on the weekend.. That’s cute. Maybe leave that picture off your dating profile. There’s a reason you aren’t getting many matches, so let’s troubleshoot it together..

My advice is to keep your profile picture simple, think something outdoorsy with some filtered sunshine. Girls dig sunshine and good lighting is a MUST! But here’s the clincher. Here’s what you came for, the what women really want stone cold facts. Here we go! 90% of single women surveyed said they are more likely to match with someone with a nice smile in their profile pictures. 90% for a smile (god damn it!). That match rate is HUUUUUGGGGEEEE!! So while you may think the photo of you with your buddies puppy is a sure winner, the truth is only 45% of women surveyed said that having a dog in your profile would sway their decision to match with you. I guess what women really want is for you to put the puppy down and pick up a toothbrush (because also good oral hygiene is a must!).

Also, we also want to be engaged… And no I’m not talking about a ring on our finger (though yes we like that too, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here we’ve only just met). We want an engaging profile - think holiday snaps, you out and about loving life, maybe a photo of you killing it at work (especially if you’re in a uniform – Hellooooo Fireman Sam!). Whatever you decide to go with just show us positivity and happiness through your snaps, and I promise you will be onto something here.

The next step is to get your Bumble bio in order, and let me tell you this is far more important than you think. My single friends won’t even bother to match with any guy (no matter how fabulous his photos are!) if he hasn’t filled in his bio and do you want to know why? Because it screams laziness to us! And let’s be honest if you can’t be effed to fill in your Bumble bio, you probably also can’t be effed to make an effort on a date, so it’s a strong NO from the girl gang!!

If we haven't matched with you (or made the first move just yet), a huge no-no is sliding into our DMs or friending us on Facebook. Yes, it’s endearing but it’s also a little stage 5 clinger (which is a red flag for the ladies so only move off the app if you have been invited too!). There is a fine line between keen and OTT, so keep your DMs for your buddies or Emily Ratajkowski.

Above all legends, just be YOU - in your messages, profile pictures and on any dates you might have. The truth is gentleman what women really want is quite simple, we just want a great guy who doesn’t play games, texts when he says he will and isn’t a giant flake. We have already known those guys. Sh!t, we’ve probably dated those guys, and now, we are looking for a legit connection in a safe environment where we can call the shots!

Women in 2018 are empowered, yes, but at the end of the day, we all just want to come home to someone we care about and find connections that are open (and a hell of a lot of fun!). So with that being said, yes, you have a little work to do BUT if you take my advice you will be on the path to success, don’t tell anyone about this article, OK? I’ve broken the circle of trust by letting you know how we tick, so now it’s your turn to go forth and conquer because what women really want is maybe someone just like you…