cultivating self love: the power of boundaries

Have you ever been so consumed by caring for others that you forgot to nurture yourself? If so, it’s honestly giving a lack of boundaries.

When I would think about self love, I often thought of being the most loving, caring, and understanding version of myself, always considering how my actions might impact others. By doing this, I failed to see that this perspective didn't leave much space to create the love I needed to satisfy me! When we are truly satisfied within we naturally radiate that energy outward, without even trying.

It’s easy to think that living positively equates to self love but that’s not always the case. From my own experience and the stories I’ve heard, this misconception can lead to harmful situations and painful outcomes.

While embracing others is important, it doesn’t mean we have to tolerate everything they do, especially if it means sacrificing parts of ourselves - that's where boundaries come in.

A tweet I saw recently made me realise the true significance of boundaries and how they represent one of the deepest forms of self love. I finally understood that it’s absolutely okay to want things the way we want them but what's not okay is ignoring or downplaying those desires just because others can’t fulfil them.

In this post, I’ll explore what it means to practice self love, how to establish boundaries, identify your limits and incorporate them into your daily life and relationships. This will help you maintain inner peace and live a life that's aligned with your true self.

The best way I can explain this is pointing out what it definitely isn't. Self love is not about inflating your ego or thinking you're better than others, it’s simply about embracing who you are at your core. Bell Hooks explained this so easily in her book All About Love she stated: "Self love is a combination of self acceptance and self care. It is the only way to live a life of authenticity and freedom."

Understanding and practicing self love means showing up authentically in all areas of your life. Though it sounds simple, we live in a society that thrives from making money off our insecurities which makes it easy to confuse true self love with something ego-driven.

Self acceptance might sound straightforward but in my experience it is not. It involves accepting every part of yourself, including the aspects you do not like and often try to hide. You might be in denial about certain traits or believe you need constant external validation but this does nothing other than remind you that they exist. Having the courage to shine a light on those things and understanding what exactly you don't like about yourself can lead to true acceptance. When you acknowledge and embrace those parts, you’ll realise the real meaning of standing in your power.

An example of how you can do this is as follows: if you often self-deprecate then identify what exactly you dislike about yourself - even sit and make a list! Bring those things into your awareness and use it as an opportunity to affirm and embrace those traits. Spend a couple of minutes each day repeating affirmations that highlight your unique qualities and think how uninspiring life would be if everyone was the same.

Once you’ve embraced self acceptance you need to prioritise caring for yourself so that you're able to maintain these positive thoughts. Self care is essential because it nurtures and supports your true self turning self acceptance into actions.

The problem with our perception of self care is that it is often confused with materialism. Unlike self indulgence (such as overspending on beauty procedures or material items to boost your image) self care focuses on addressing your inner needs to nourish your soul.

Self care, much like self acceptance, isn’t about inflating your ego but about nurturing your well being. For instance, if you loved dancing as a child but stopped due to self doubt or fear of judgment, self care would be the act of reconnecting with that passion. It’s about putting self acceptance into practice by overcoming limiting beliefs and pursuing what truly makes you happy. When you let go of the need for external validation and focus on what fulfils your soul, you’ll see how self care transforms into a beautiful practice of self love.

Once you've adopted the traits and actions needed for self love, the real challenge arises when you're faced with situations that could shake them. That’s why understanding and establishing your boundaries is key before diving into new experiences - whether it's a job, a relationship or a new hobby. Without clear boundaries or the ability to maintain them all your hard work could come undone, leaving you back at square one. While this might seem obvious to some, for many of us who have struggled with feelings of unworthiness at some point in life, it’s not always so straightforward.

I won’t drag this out, so here’s the simplest way to identify your limits and boundaries: be honest with yourself. Reflect on what has triggered you in the past and how it made you feel. Give yourself time to process these reflections without trying to explain away or downplay those feelings. Don’t convince yourself that you overreacted or that you need to "heal" before addressing them. We all need to heal, but only so we are able to manage our reactions and prevent getting lost in the emotions caused by such triggers. We are not supposed to change our innate desires to appease people or situations that can't fulfil them

Once you’ve acknowledged your triggers, assess your needs. For example, if you’re triggered by your partner’s inability to consistently plan date nights, you likely need quality time and initiative. Don’t settle for someone who can’t meet these needs, recognise and accept that this person may not be right for you and move on. This doesn’t mean you should end things straight away, but rather understand your needs and the other person’s capacity to meet them before committing. The same applies to work situations, if a strong work-life balance is essential for you, a high-stress job like becoming a surgeon probably isn't going to cut it.

Of course, there are nuanced areas where communication and flexibility come into play. When starting something new, clearly state your needs and how they should be met. Most importantly, develop the ability to recognise when your needs won’t be met and determine the best course of action, which is probably not continuing. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that perseverance will bring change. Your innate needs are there for a reason and life flows like a waterfall when you listen to and honour them.

Remember, setting and respecting your boundaries is essential for self love. It’s about wanting the best for yourself or others by accepting what just isn't going to work and being able to comfortably let it go. By understanding your limits and communicating them, you’re effortlessly practicing self acceptance and self care. Trust what you feel, nobody knows you better than you!

Embrace every aspect of life that leads you to your highest and happiest self. I hope this helped.