God, Frustrated Again. (Substack post)

It was raining that Tuesday. The inky cat on top of the dusty drawer stretches out its legs and then looks at me. I don’t know its name, yet. Not sure I ever will but, we locked eyes, as if old friends after time. It’s funny how you find yourself when you aren’t looking. I’ve been closed off to myself for a few years now, but I laugh at God for trying. He’s been putting up a good fight, while I’m steady on the dancefloor with my demons. Shame.

I’m beautiful when the weather is like this. I know. Something about the grey in the sky that brings out the green in my eyes, or at least that’s what you said. I rely on other peoples’ opinions more than I’d like to put a number to and you looked serious when you said it, so I stand by it, too.

I turn on my side feeling a crumb from the doughnut on the side table, and swipe it away. Just like I do the years, flowing through them like a dahabiya on the Nile. Slowly meandering back to myself, while the months scurry by.

Quickly.

Quickly.

You climbed into bed with a stupid smile and a cup of badly made mint tea because you forgot to put honey in it. I don’t tell you any of that. You’d stop smiling, hop up, and make a new cup and I just wanted to stare at you. A face that Venus could love. I needed every glimpse I could catch. A hunger that took me by surprise.

You won’t be able to love me. I knew it as quickly as a second chases itself, but I like to let beauty consume me. Wrap me in its warmth so that I could feel something.

Then I see the cat, staring with those eyes that looked like mine. Judging the loud silence in my throat as if I yelled at it. A peach pit of guilt sitting in my stomach. I know what it knows and that’s the worst part.

You kiss my cheek.

“Is it good, the tea?”

A nod. I’ll lie to keep you smiling. How morals melt for love will never surprise me. I’ve been witness, judge, victim, and defendant. I know the court system well. None of that matters anyway.

The rain didn’t let up the rest of the day and come morning I slipped out with my guilt, a little of yours. God, frustrated again.

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