Shedding Conditioning: The First Days Alone

The silence after breaking free can be louder than the noise you escaped.

We can find ourselves crushed with the weight of the emptiness.

But we know it has to be this way, or we will stay forever lost in the pit of despair.

In the previous article, I discussed the process of breaking away from your toxic binds.

Maybe it was your family, or maybe a social group, or perhaps you left your cultural society.

Whichever way- you now find yourself alone.

The silence and space can be crushing.

The echo in your mind can be overpowering, as you look around the world and feel… so very achingly alone.

In those first few days, you might be numb. You might ruminate constantly about the people you left behind, feeling the confusing sensation of having been abandoned- even though you were the one who chose to walk away.

But ultimately, that choice felt like staying in a pot of boiling water or getting out- that is to say, not much of a choice at all.

The feeling of abandonment is not inaccurate.

It is possible for our people to have abandoned us emotionally long ago, even while remaining physically present.

When we kept reaching out to them, hoping for different responses, only to be met with their damaging consistency, our hearts fell and deflated a little bit each time.

The heart of a child who can’t turn to their parent for support is like an empty cup.

We turn away, try to hide our pain, try to act like it doesn’t bother us — but inside, we are breaking.

We search within that cup for the support we need, but never find it.

Finally, something happens.

Some shattering moment. Some undeniable truth that we are not cared for.

A back is turned to us when we need it most, or we reach out for support only to be rebuffed by someone we’ve supported so many times- and in an instant, a crack forms. Then, our cup shatters.

We find ourselves looking at the people we once loved with shock and awe at their callousness- finally having received the push we needed to step away.

So we do.

We might try one last time to be heard. We might cry and plead and express all of our exasperation, only to have it fall on deaf ears once again.

Finally, we leave.

Suddenly, everyone cares.

Suddenly, everyone is hurt.

Suddenly, everyone needs you, and loves you, and professes how they’ve always been there.

But it’s too late.

Your heart has released them as a safe space, and finally, you’ve moved on.

You find yourself there, living out your first few days of independence, going through the motions of life.

Then suddenly, a realization: you’re living life like you were still there- still in that family, still upholding their way of life and code.

The beliefs we absorbed, the ones that said we had to serve, suppress, or shrink ourselves to survive begin to fall away.

With this realization, a second shattering takes place- the idea that you need to do anything any certain way in life.

Tentatively, you test this.

You eat different food at different times.

You change your routine and take up new hobbies.

You sleep well at night for the first time in ages, as the real you begins to peek from around the corner of the deep recesses of your mind.

Still, at times, the wistfulness creeps in.

We remember what we have lost. We reminisce on the old times.

Eventually, we find a way to embrace those memories as moments in time that shaped us, but we no longer feel beholden to run back to those people, because we realize… we’re better. Happier. Stronger. More secure. And on the road to self-mastery.

We begin to learn to love ourselves.

We call our inner child forward and show it all the care it was missing.

We live joyfully, freely- and embrace our ability to move through the world and have experiences.

We are free.

We are becoming who we were meant to be.

Though our hearts will always carry the sting of loss, we have found the path to becoming our fullest selves.

We thank our families for the lessons, both good and bad, but we stop looking back.

We always hold the hope that someday, our paths will cross again- when everyone has found their way out of the pit of despair and is ready to become the best version of themselves.

The people they were always meant to be, and the ones we have always longed to meet.

We walk forward, not because the past was meaningless, but because we are finally ready to live a life of our own design.

The first breath is only the beginning.

We remember that our evolution fuels the revolution.