Hello, my name is Millie, and I'm an introvert. At times I wish I could introduce myself to everyone that way, almost like a precursor to what the next few minutes of conversation is going to be like: "Hey, I'm socially awkward and may make you feel uncomfortable, but some people tolerate me so that's saying something"! Other times, I wish I could drink a magic potion that gives the illusion that I'm a social monarch butterfly, because it seems like life is a breeze as an extrovert. Everyone is a unique blend of both introversion and extroversion, however more reserved social lives aren't really ones that grab the lime light on social media. Preferring a more reserved social life should not be confused with not having one at all, so I thought I'd share a few tips, tricks, and healthy mentalities that are helping me create a kind of social life that doesn't stress and drain me out.
Quality over quantity.
Breathe it. Eat it. Bathe in it. Although it's a saying that gets thrown around a lot, it's the key to an ideal social life for someone who dreads large bouts of socializing. Having a social life that will get you Instagram famous and name-dropped at every conversation is not the only kind of social life to exist. It’s exhausting to feel the need to have connections left and right, when all you’re really looking for is a handful of friends who will always have your back. Sometimes a couple of life-giving friends is enough to satisfy your social needs.
It's not lame to stay in every Friday night.
Often, I look down on myself for declining almost every invitation to hang out with friends, and then I feel even worse when I pop on Snapchat and watch story after story of parties and blurry videos taken with flash of people goofing off at 2am. I get it, FOMO (or the Fear of Missing Out) is real and lives in all of us, and it often seems as if people stay home on the weekends by necessity rather than desire. During moments like this, don't feel pressured to need to go out with friends all the time in order to keep them, because there'll be plenty more opportunities in the future. More laid-back gatherings at home with pizza, board games, and movies may suit your fancy a bit more, or even a catch up with friends over lunch during the day. As introverts, we need time alone to recharge, whereas extroverts feed off the energy of a social buzz. Don't feel like you're missing out when you're snuggled up in bed at 11pm, after all, we're all doing what we gotta do to recharge.
You don't need to be everyone's friend to be friendly.
Here's one for my homies with a splash of social anxiety. It was only recently that I realized a lot of the pressure I put on myself in social situations was rooting from the idea that every social interaction is a failure unless the other person basically wants to be my best friend afterwards. Talking to acquaintances is always difficult, but I found it to be less fluster-inducing if you forget about trying to fit in the few inside jokes and common references you know, and just take a simpler route of friendliness. Not everyone has a knack for striking up a conversation with everyone and their mothers, but that doesn't mean you're automatically deemed unfriendly and rude. It is perfectly enough to stay as "another friendly face" in someone's mind, and it doesn't take much to get there.
Turn the focus on them instead of you
Some advice my therapist gave to me is the practical part two of tip #3. As mentioned before, I often put a lot of pressure on myself in social situations, which builds up the anxiety and flusters my brain. If you struggle through a similar kind of pressure, turn the focus of the conversation to the other person. As my therapist put it, think about something, anything that you're curious to know about the other person, and then ask it! Pay attention to what they're saying, and notice which part of their response sparks something in your mind. Aside from keeping the conversation flowing, you've also done a great job with making the other person feel like they had your undivided attention, cared for, and heard. Even if you honestly aren't feeling particularly curious and the conversation is short-lived, asking someone about their day and mustering up one follow-up question is more than enough. It's an extremely simple concept, but it has been my saving grace in any social interaction.
Find your sweet spot, and befriend those who recognize it
So as an introvert, you've realized that it's draining to be besties with the whole world, and also that you shouldn't feel the need for whole world to want to be your bestie. So who are the lucky few that get the privilege to call you their friend? Something to know is that everyone's concept of an ideal friendship varies greatly from person to person. Some find their basketball buddies to be their ride-or-die's, and others must have ugly-cried and have been ugly-cried to in order to know this friendship's a keeper.
A way of figuring out which kind of friendships you find to be the most fulfilling is to think of the qualities that you thought made you the most fantastic human being of a friend to ever exist. I call it a "sweet spot" because these are the moments where I felt like I was my best self, purely because it was my strengths that were able to truly brighten my friend's day in a unique and personal way. There's no need to feel like you need to be a kind of friend that you're not and feel like your options are limited. Finding people who value these special and authentic qualities that you can bring to a friendship is hard to come by, but you know you've hit a jackpot in your social life when you do.
2018
