His lips brushed against the edge of my ear, the soft, breathless smile carved into both of our faces as my hands brushed against his chest and laced around his neck, somehow finding a way to bring him closer to me. With each inch of our skin touching, my heart raced, beating quicker and quicker with each brush of his lips or tip of his finger. Everything felt so right at this moment, the intense smell of smoke and spearmint making my head spin as I fell deeper and deeper into him until, finally, I was consumed by him. I sprung back to consciousness, my chest heaving for breath. My skin was coated in a thin layer of cool sweat, which made my shirt cling to my chest and stomach. The room was pitch black except for the small beam of white light from the full moon that lingered outside my window like a nightlight. Reality settled around me as my heaving breath calmed and my eyes adjusted. My dresser and chair, covered in clothes from my hectic afternoon, liked to look more like a mysterious killer in this light, reminded me that I was home. I ran a shaking hand over my forehead, collecting the sweat and moving my bangs from around my eyes. Due to my racing heartbeat, I knew I wasn't going to sleep again for a while, and as I tapped my phone, which now illuminated my room even more (and also made my chair definitely look like a serial killer), I saw that it read 3:03 a.m. I let out a small breath and slumped back against my pillow, staring out at my old concert posters in front of me. Their titles and pictures blurred into dark blobs that gave me a vesicle to think at. What was that even about? I thought to myself. My love life had been anything but exciting recently, so no part of me felt I should be having hot and heavy dreams like I had moments ago. Plus, that smell was so distinct, I would know even if I hadn't smelt it in years. I ran a tired hand over my face, realizing this was the second or third night now that sleep had
been scarce, and it was starting to bother me. I worked too much and slept too little nowadays, and I knew it wasn't healthy, but I needed anything to take my mind off him…them. All of this was just beginning to be too much, and I felt that I would burst at the seams at any moment. Again, with tired palms, I pressed into my eyes until I saw geometric shapes and warm colors. "Why am I doing this to myself? I know it's wrong, and I know I shouldn't feel this way. So why?" I groaned in frustration, hating myself more for the selfish thoughts that filled my brain. Angrily, I fluffed my pillow and rolled to my side, facing the moon staring back at me. Things will be different in the morning. I thought to myself, trying to fill myself with false hope as I stared at the moon's soft glow. With every ounce of mental strength, I closed my eyes and willed myself to not sulk in self-hatred when all I dreamed about were lips I could not kiss and eyes I shouldn't have wanted to memorize. _-_ I trudged into work, feeling the ache of sleep lace its way through every muscle I had. Sleepless night after sleepless night, I felt like I was going insane; however, thanks to the good graces of whatever God is out there, I worked at a coffee shop and had access to however much caffeine my stomach could handle. After settling in the back and wearing a soft pink apron, I knew it was time for a few good ounces of sugary coffee. Feeling slightly lighter because of the thought, I bounced out behind the counter and started my first brew of the day. I had been working at the shop now for a little over a year and loved it here. It always smelt like vanilla and freshly ground coffee beans, no matter what was being baked or brewed, and the soft pink and white interior seemed to comfort me on days when my brain didn't want to quiet down, and lately, I have needed the quiet more than ever. As I poured my coffee into the
company-branded cup, I couldn't get a sip in before a sing-song-type voice bellowed through the empty coffee shop. "Good morning!" Kala was my best friend and had been my best friend for so long that I thought of her as more of my sister rather than just my friend. She was beautiful in every sense of the word, with fiery red hair and pale skin dotted with tan freckles. She had the kind of beauty that came easy and was noticed everywhere we went. Don't get me wrong, I was comfortable with the way I looked as well, but she was the one who got the first glance. I let out a soft sigh as I felt the impending doom settle in my chest. The ache of my heart that betrayal loved to leave behind made it hard for me to see straight at times. "Good morning." I squeaked back, not having the courage to look her in the eyes for longer than a moment. She pretended not to notice and went to the back to get ready to open up with me, and I appreciated her blatant ignorance of me being uneasy. For weeks, it wasn't like that. For weeks, she would question my silence and shifting eyes, but how was I supposed to tell her what I was feeling? How was I supposed to say to her what I did? The day went by as it always does. Once we opened the door, customer after customer filled the building, leaving us busy and quickly coated in different coffee and tea. The day came to a wrap for us when our two other coworkers came in, and the baton was finally passed. Kala and I padded to the back room, awkwardness laced with every step. I quickly shuffled my way to my locker so I could give her my back, even for a moment. "So," she spoke, breaking the silence as I fiddled with my lock for a minute too long. "Chris is throwing a party tonight and we both want you there." She said the words sounding like honey. I closed my eyes, dread tightening my chest, before turning around and replacing my apron with my purse. "I don't know," I said, not knowing what my excuse would be this time.
Would my mom need my help at home? Or would my brother have a fake baseball game I was forced to attend? She let out an airy laugh before smiling back at me. "You are coming!" she playfully scolded before skipping over to me, lacing my arm in hers as she skipped us out of the shop. "I am gonna come over tonight, and we will get ready together and go. Chris has a friend he thinks you'll like." She winked at me, but the words made my stomach ache. I felt the breath leave my chest, realizing he didn't know. Whether it is out of pure relief or an aching disgust at the idea of me ever looking at someone else the way I look at him. Tears threatened to form, but I looked into the cool wind to dry them. "Okay." I croched, my throat feeling like it was lined with pins and needles. Her smile widened before she began to go on and on with plans about the night and what dresses we should wear. She walked me to my car before kissing my cheek and dancing away, leaving me to continue to sulk. The drive home was laced with ideas of how I could escape this, but I knew each wouldn't work. One thing about Kala was that when she wanted it, she'd get it, and I knew that if I made a bullshit excuse, she'd come down and drag me out of my house even if I was wearing sweats and a stained t-shirt. So, as the time got closer, I started to get myself ready. I wasn't bad-looking and never felt that way, even if I was considered plain compared to Kala. I had tanned skin and black hair that fell straight to my shoulders and had bangs that covered my forehead and framed my face. My skin was clear but had a few acne marks from when I was in high school, but they were easy to cover with a little bit of makeup. I put on a small layer of lip gloss, a shorter black skirt that hugged my hips and thighs, and a black billowy top that gave the illusion of draping silk. With some boots and a couple pieces of jewelry, I was ready to go with an hour to spend overthinking.
As I leaned back in my desk chair, I heard the front door close loudly, and the rhythmic tap of high heels trickled through the halls, telling me my mom was home. I pushed myself off the chair and walked through the house to find her in the kitchen, leaning over her waterbottel sipping mindlessly as she swiped through emails. My mom was a kind woman with soft, careful features that made her look like a Chinadoll. Age has creased the most used parts of her face delicately, making her beauty shine even through age. Her eyes were tired from being overworked and the mother to three kids, but she still tried her best. "Hi, Mom," I said before wrapping my arms around her, not knowing I needed a hug from her. A little shocked, it took her a moment before she wrapped her arms back around me, careful to give me just enough pressure. "Hi, sweetie, are you okay?" she asked, running her hand over my hair. I felt the words billed at the base of my throat, but it was too thick to come up, and when I didn't answer, she grabbed me by both my shoulders and pushed me far enough away to look at my face. "What's going on, sweetie? For weeks, it's looked like something is going on." "I am just," I took a second to think of the right word to describe the impending doom and heartbreak I knew I would feel at any moment. "Tired." I breathed. She gave me a knowing look before putting a hand on my cheek. "What has you so tired?" she asked. For some reason, I looked at my mom and felt the words being stuck at the base of my throat, begging to come up. They needed to be heard by someone at that moment, and my mom was the victim, standing too close. "I am in love with Kala's boyfriend, Chris," I said, the words coming out rushed and scared. For a second, my mom looked at me with wide, unexpecting eyes; she took a breath and sat down, looking back at me, waiting for me to continue. "I don't know
when it was or why it happened, but all I know is that he is all I can think about. Every moment, all I think about is his eyes and his mouth," I felt a blush burn at my cheeks as I talked about how he had filled every thought I had, but there was no judgment on my face. "I don't want to hurt Kala; I love her. She is my best friend, but I feel awful, and I can't stand being around them because all I want is," I thought for a moment and felt my eyes start to burn. "All I want is to tell Chris I love him just to know if he feels the same way." At the end of that sentence, the damn burst, and tears streamed down my cheeks. My mom pulled me to her shoulder and let me cry for a moment as she gently rubbed the back of my head, trying to soothe my sobs. "Listen, sweetie." My mom said, pushing my shoulders back so I would sit up and face her. She placed a soft hand on my cheeks, rubbing away the tears and mascara stains. "You are young, my dear; while this love might seem suffocating, and you might be confused about why you feel this way, you have to decide what you should do. Do you tell Chris and lose Kala? Or do you say nothing and break your own heart? Just remember, sweetie, there will come a time and a person who doesn't make love feel this hard." I felt my lungs fill with an air that was so refreshing that I thought I was going to float through the ceiling. "Here, let me make you something to eat. Are you going out?" All I could do was nod as I mulled over the words she had said to me. I was nineteen years old. I just recently got out of high school and was leaving for college in three months. I had known Chris for a few years, having first met him in a science class. We talked for a few days before he started hanging around more and more. After his eighteenth birthday, he started to smoke, and I remember the first time I smelt that intoxicating smell coming from him and the way my heart searched from its chest. Not two days later was the first
time I saw Chris and Kala kissing in his car. " Is this something that simply will pass? " I thought to myself. "Does a feeling like this simply pass one day?" Question after question burned its way through my brain as my mom spoke quietly about her own experience with love before my dad and then the heartbreak after he passed. She talked about her pain and her suffering with love. With each sentence she spoke, I felt less alone that maybe love isn't always as simple as I thought. However, her story was cut short by a rhythmic knock on the front door. We both paused for a moment, her eyes sympathetic as she waited for my shoulders to lose their tension. "I can say you're sick." she offered with a smile that made me laugh an airy laugh for the first time all afternoon. I shook my head, finding the courage she had filled me with after our conversation, and hopped off the stool, finding my purse. "Thank you, Mom," I said, grabbing her hands and kissing her cheek. She offered me another smile and an I love you before I walked out of the kitchen and to the door. Grabbing the cool metal door handle, I felt my chest heave with hope for the first time in a long time. However, the tightness in my chest returned when I opened the door. Standing on my front porch was my beautiful best friend, wearing a light gray dress that fit her perfectly. She looked gorgeous and adorned a smile so free of heartbreak. We exchanged our greetings and drove to the house as the sun set, finally casting a shadow over the world. "So Chris wants to introduce you to his friend Micheal. He returned for the weekend and started college last semester at the same campus you went to in the fall." She gave me a rundown of who Micheal was, but no part of me really cared. I wanted to get through the night and get ready to leave this town. To leave this ache in my chest. To forget about Chris, and as I looked at Kala tonight, I realized that meant letting her go too.
When we got to Chris's house, a few cars were decorating the outside driveway, signaling that even more people were inside. Parking up the street, Kala quickly bounced her way to the door, leaving me a few feet behind with a few seconds to realize what I needed to do. My mom was right. I would have to let them both go to relieve myself of my pain. I leave for college in a few months and have my life ahead of me. If things are meant to be, then I would meet Kala again. Later in life, when age causes us to become wise and our lives have settled. She will be hurt and will ask me why so many years ago I disappeared, and I will tell her the truth. I will tell her I loved the person she loved and that I didn't want to hurt her and lose her in a way that would be so painful. Then, from there, we might be able to pick things up where they left off. However, right now, I had to get through a night where I had to watch my best friend dance and drink with the boy I loved while I humored the idea that I'd be interested in his friend as well. As I turned to face the front door only steps behind Kala, I felt the wind leave my breath, and my heartbreak roll through me as I knew this was the right thing I could choose. Chris was like something I'd never seen before. He was tall with broad shoulders that filled out any shirt or jacket he wore. His waist tapered into strong legs that were covered in black denim. His hair was a milky brown color that shined in from the warm light cast behind him, but his eyes were what took my breath away. Soft brown eyes that had a shine to them like no other made it seem like you were falling into pools of chocolate if you stared at them too long. His lips were a full pink that fell in a pout around the glowing cigarette he held between his teeth. "Hi," he said, his voice a thick huskiness that made me feel like he was looking at me the way I was taking him in. "Hi." I breathed, feeling breathless and dizzy. He ushered us in, and as I passed, I smelt that familiar smell fill my nose. Smoke and spearmint clung to him, making me feel like I was drunker than any drink could get me. I know
in this moment, I truly loved him, or at least the idea of him. I mustered my way through small talk. My eyes guiltily lingered on his lips for a moment too long or be drawn into his eyes to close, and I knew he knew. He would smile at me when he noticed, but no words were exchanged, only a knowing glance that made me feel like I was getting dragged into a forest too deep to ever find my way out. Halfway through the night, they introduced me to Micheal. He was a handsome man a year older than me who was studying photography. Throughout the night, we talked about the college I was soon to attend. I think he picked up quickly that I wasn't interested because the conversation quickly lost its romantic edge before he left entirely. He found a cute blonde a little while later, and I saw them dancing in the living room together as I sat on the steps. To catch up in thought and staring at the half-empty cup of beer I hated the taste of, I didn't feel as Chris sat next to me. His smell hit my senses before his presence did. As I met his eyes, I felt my whole body light up. I was made aware of each hair on my body, and while I felt like I could breathe, my breath came out heavy and in heaves. "I heard you're leaving soon," he said, hushed and distant. I could only manage a nod. "Why do you have to go so far away." his eyes seemed to bore into me, the chocolatey shine in his eyes turning darker. I let out a soft breath and found my courage. I glanced at Kala as she danced with a few of our other friends. "For her," I said my words, feeling hushed but loud enough for us both to hear. "Because she matters to me more than anyone or anything. I love her, and I would never do anything that would sabotage her happiness, so I am leaving." I could hear his breath being caught in his chest. "You're leaving because of me," he said, the words heavy and thickening the air.
I glanced at him and smiled. "I'm leaving because I won't be the person that causes others pain. I am leaving because I am sure that what is meant to be will happen, and sometimes it needs distance." his gaze was hot and made my heart beat into my ears, but I held it. I felt my chest break just a little as sadness filled both of us. "You deserve her," I said the words, meaning to come out warm and reassuring, but the way his heart seemed to break so loud that it echoed through the room made me want to run. His warm eyes fell for a moment, and without a word, he pushed himself up his muscular back, the only thing I could see in front of me, and he left. The smell of spearmint and smoke was the last piece of him I saw before days turned to weeks and weeks to months. While my heart ached for a long time, I continued to hold onto hope that maybe Chris loved me the way I loved him, and possibly one day if it's meant to be, I will be able to see him again and smell the familiar smell, and my heart will fully heal. However, for now, I have to simply….trust.
