I Feel Alive

Sorry for being gone last week. Like I said I was very busy and I had a travel day thrown in there. Just not enough down time to write. But I sure did have many emotions. A range of them. Many things that made me happy, scared, sad, annoyed. There was a couple moments that made me terribly uncomfortable. Sleep paralysis and old traumatic events resurfacing in my dream.

So yes a lot has happened since I last wrote. This post is sort of me sifting thru these feelings and coming up with main points I want to hit on with my therapist tomorrow. I haven’t seen her in a few weeks. Let’s go back to the beginning of the trip. The main problem at the time was figuring out how to talk to Marie. Taking in advice from Christiane’s podcast that she gave me. I have to remember that I do not know what my friend is exactly going through. We must communicate our feelings and see where we stand. Although, I have not yet had a talk. Side note, these talks don’t even have to be so deep/formal. I want to confront her about my feelings. I’m nervous about it. Just really afraid that she won’t make the time for me or that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Honestly, I’ve been grieving and crying about the past years. What has gotten me through it is knowing that everything changes. change is good. I am changing and loving who i become as time goes on. I was not the same person twelve years ago.

She is changing too. As time goes on, it is apparent that we are completely different people. Maybe the time and location was the glue that bonded us together. Carrie, think of all the people you consider friends now at 25. The friends you chose. Who you talk to often. How do they interact with you? what do they find interesting? How do they deal with problems? Think of the quality of life now versus then.

There was a sleep paralysis episode that happened while in Utah. It’s been a while since that has happened. Usually, if I sleep in a certain position on my stomach, that’s how they occur. Or when I am stressed out. This time it was my sleep position. It sounded and felt like someone was getting into my bed. I had the master bedroom in the condo I shared at sundance. Not that men scare me, but i know nothing about the people who were my house mates. Quickly, I realized that it was just sleep paralysis and I calmed down a bit. Not before I tried to move and ask, “who is this?”

There was sprinkled feelings of inspiration, tiredness, and even desire- like lust. Inspiration from hearing different film makers talk about the films. Whether I saw it at a screening, panel, or through the words of fellow team members. Everyone is so passionate and motivated. Maybe this is what I needed. I love film making, you always have. Don’t lose track, whatever the end goal is, not sure, but remember how much you love the movies. Obtaining a job for the sole purpose of having money- to live a life is what occupied and took over life in the past year and a half. Keep at it, carrie. Follow the movies.

Tiredness or exhaust was created by working in the early morning to early afternoon and having the cold mountain air hitting my Californian warm-thin-blooded body. It caught up to me. I am not that energetic like I was. Even though there was so much happening outside within that first week of the fest, I could not bare to go out. My body needs sleep or else I would show up to my shifts grumpy. Plus, what was great about staying in is getting to spend time with my house mates and getting to know them. Many of the nights we would pick something to watch and smoke a bit. Converse and laugh. Just cozy, relaxing nights in. Not freezing like we would be if we went out. Or worrying about the transportation back home, plus the other worries that come with attending a film festival.

Now let’s get a little personal here. I mentioned lust earlier. The first night I walked in to the condo, one specific person caught my eye. Just a generic man look to him, but a bit cute. hahah He, much to my surprise, was on the same team as me at my theater. For the first couple days we didn’t talk and left for work at different times. Over the course of the fest we always worked together. My specific team was great and had quick witted humor. We all got along so well. Me and this guy just clicked. Don’t even remember what our first words were. There wasn’t really any flirting going on, just talking. You know, going to each other to share info or ask a question before going to anyone else first. Like we were each others priority first. That last and final shift we walked home together. Stopped by Fresh Market to grab a frozen meal for our dinner at 11 pm. We walked in the cold back home. Ate dinner together. A house mate asked us if we wanted to go out as he was downtown at some bar, but we already settled in for the night. Next came the movie selection for the last and final time. Originally, we wanted to watch Big Fat Liar. Turns out it’s not streaming. Then Twilight was a possibility. Eventually we turned on Basic Instinct. Not exactly sure what the movie was about as it is just one of those titles you have heard a few times before. Quickly, we got the gist of the movie. We were alone for so long just watching this wacky 90s sex filled movie. Why didn’t we turn it off? We just kept laughing at how stupid the movie is.

There was a moment of tension, just by the way we were looking at each other. That quickly disapated though, if you know the movie and know of that specific SA scene. At that point we were like wtf! girl get away from him! just talking to the tv. Then the rest of our room mates came home and watched the rest of the movie with us. What a cute family movie night! hahaha

A couple days before, during our shifts, he asked what time my flight was at. Our flights were only 30 mins apart. So on our check out day, we got an Uber together to the Salt Lake City Airport. Not to sound cheesy or clichè even, the way we talked and laughed just felt so easy, as if we had known each other for years. Never has talking to a man been so natural and headache free. We arrived to the airport pretty early. First thing on our list was coffee, then wonder around for a potential breakfast spot. Just wanna shout out Vessel Kitchen real quick. Please make your way to So Cal! We unraveled in between mine and his gate. We saw and chatted with our team members as they made an appearance. One of our room mates found us and stuck around. Love them all. Reunited for one last goodbye.

When my flight landed in LAX finally, my phone lit up with updates from the sundance room mate GC. Everyone texting in the chat once their flight touched down where they reside. “just landed in lax *sunglasses smiley emoji*” is what I sent. A minute later I got a text from him. Basically it was him telling me how glad he was that we crossed paths. Which was very sweet and wholesome, but man! That keeps popping up in my head. I ruminate on his words. Our interactions. Then back to the text. I’ve got a crush again! How dare a man make me feel giddy and loving. Yuck! But I miss him, I cannot deny it. He mentioned that he might come out to LA in March, though I tell myself he most likely won’t. It’s a way to keep myself safe from any disappointment. Or slight heartbreak.

He also texted me saying not to lose contact, which I responded with, “of course not!” We’ve talked like everyday since.

One of my favorite watches of the fest. Was lucky enough to see a Q&A with the director & cast of the film! It held a special place to me once I heard many audience members asking questions in spanish and also leaving the theater speaking spanish. So yes I am biased. If I hear spanish while I am far from home, I automatically feel safe and comfortable. But yeah, anyway, So happy I went out when this was screening. This movie is just a puppy, so because of that, there is no trailer online. But hear what it’s about from the director in this clip.

Specifically the Med bowl. Think of cava. Thats what it is basically. But just so much better. Ugh, I miss it!

Delicious track from this Dublin based band. To me it sounds very much like 90s alt rock. Some of my fav bands are the Cranberries and Smashing Pumpkins. With that being said, if you like those, you best check out this track.

Falling back in love with this small but mighty camera. Film photography is out for this year. Yes I know all the LA binches were using digital point and shoots two years ago, but you know what? I do not care. Less waste, no pay to view your photos. See them instantly after you take it, I’m here for it. Never looking back to film.

That’s it for this week. Sorry again for not posting last Monday. Promise that won’t happen again. Unless I travel again. Hope you’ve been alright. Drink some water, get some rest and have a great rest of your Monday :)