Travel talk + thoughts about relationships

The very constructed way you pack the suitcase before a trip. Sitting in the car looking out the window to see the planes fly closer and above head to you. The hustle and bustle of going through security/ tsa. All to finally wind down by your gate, alone. Alone with your thoughts. Watching the people walk by, with whatever music you have blaring through your headphones. Usually for me it’s jazz music. Having that as my background music to romanticize my life whilst traveling.

These are just some of the few little things I love about traveling. To travel alone is far superior than anything. But I realize those who are truly comfortable with themselves and enjoy the silence can fully appreciate it. Theres a lot of down time, time for reflection when doing anything on your own with no one to accompany you. There was a boyfriend I had once that every time we talked about this subject, he always tried to trash on it. By saying how terrible each and every aspect of it was, without strong enough reasons to change my mind. He always played devil’s advocate. But ultimately, in hindsight, he was just not comfortable with being alone like I am. Figures, He identifies as a polyamorist. But enough about a last season character! tHIS IS GRETER. It’s about me.

Sitting down and not being able to escape some of your intrusive thoughts is not fun, trust me I know. But sorting through them and unpacking them is vital to becoming a smarter, self aware, better version of yourself. Understanfding why I said something, why I feel something, why I choose the actions I do or don’t. Finding meaning or patterns. Traveling always brings these up for me. With out a doubt, every time. Thats why I think it’s so important to travel. Thats if you are so privileged enough. If you have the funds for it. I cannot sit here and not acknowledge the privilege it is to do so. Not everyone has access to flying.

One thing I did want to touch on is how traveling gets you into new situations. Problems, stress inducing little things arise. These are shaping experiences. It builds character is what I am trying to get at; by problem solving on your own. It can be a little thing even, like figuring out public transportation in a new city. I keep wanting to stop myself after every point I make because so much of this sounds like common sense. Like duh yes! we as adults know this. But I have just been thinking about this a lot lately. Its pretty relevant as I just came back from a trip. But also I want to try to include the child version of myself when I write sometimes. Recently, I joined a group therapy that works on healing your inner child. So i’ve been thinking of little Carrie.

There was another point that I wanted to hit on but I cannot remember now. Guess it wasn’t important anyway.

I want to move on to something else I’ve noticed this past week. A lot lately. Something that I have thought about, but where do I start with this. hm.

Last week’s therapy session was sort of hard. High emotions and unpacking things about myself. Realizing how i can be one way, but also the opposite of it. And then we got on the topic of relationships/ marriage. In the words of Joan Baez “I never will marry, I’ll be no man’s wife, I expect to live single all the days of my life.” But this mindset has developed as a young teenager after watching my parent’s constant fights and resentment towards each other. I see that is all that could possibly come out of a relationship. Me and the person I end up with will grow to hate each other, absolutely despise each other and live miserable lives. Doomed to be just like my parents. Like I’m cursed. This is why I never dated at a young age(highschool). Also, I did not know how to talk to one or let alone get one to be interested in me.

As I got older I had a different idea. I could possibly see myself spending my life with someone, JUST ONE, if I wanted to. Why even have a wedding? Why even go to the court house to make it legally official. That could just be an easy way out if something bad happened and we do split. In my 20s, at the age of 23, this ideology was set in my head. You couldn’t change my mind. Then i started to date someone for a little. It ended. It was very short lived. But at this time I was very mentally unstable. I cried alone in my room at the house in Irvine. Will I ever meet someone? Why the hell do I feel like I need someone at all? Is this the whole point of life? It surely cannot be. It can’t be. Oh god, this hurts so much. Feeling bad for myself and telling myself that there was something wrong with me because why am I alone? At that time and for the next couple years after I was heavily dependent on others for my own happiness AND made men’s validation the center of my attention.

Hey CisHet girlies. If you ever want to de-center men from your life just imagine the child version of you. Always think of them and their wants. Only you can give that to yourself.

Where do I find myself now? Well…after the last man plus a handful of dates, I couldn’t care less about a man or wanting a relationship. All they do is disappoint. Who needs em. But also, god, they are all so boring. Never will be as cool or caring as me, or like any of my girlfriends! The more dates I go on the more I realize that I am the funny one, I am the fun creative one, I know how to talk to someone. These men I unfortunately had to encounter are duds. My last ex made me realize how low my self esteem was by all that I let slide. I gained confidence and decided not to tolerate even the slightest ick from a man. Don’t waste my time, it’s precious and you are so lucky to have spent some of my time with you!

I sit now in my bedroom to think that there can’t possibly be a man out there who is worthy enough to be around me. No man will ever be as cool as me. Well cultured. Empathetic even. My standards have not become that high. There’s just way too many bums out here.

Guy from Sundance was the only normal man I have met so far. To update you on him + me, yes we still talk. Nothing happened. Gotta squash this crush. It is fun for a moment, but I do not want it to quickly turn to limerence.

In case you do not receive a Valentine this week. Let me be yours. I love you stranger! all of you! May you never forget that you are loved by not only me, but by so many. Always and forever.

Now for a few of my favorite things atm:

Old And Wise By The Alan Parsons Project

THAT SAXOPHONE SOLO TOWARDS THE END! GOOD GOD,MAN! look at me shouting because of how excited music can get me. Thats how amazing this one is. Yes, I know I mentioned another song from this band a few weeks ago, but I’ve been listening to this album while I write a lot, so thats why it is here. They got the hits! Also wtf? the song sirius(chicago bulls theme) is by them? who knew! not anyone born in the 1998 for sure.

WurstHaus in Santa Ana

A friend told me about this a while back, never got the chance to go here. There was a movie I was going to see right next door and decided to eat here finally, before my movie. They have three vegan sausage options! can you believe it! You basically pick a sausage + bun + toppings. I love it so much. I just love hotdogs tbh. Check out their

instagram page here.

And Then Long Beach

another place I have been wanting to go to. This one I found out about when I lived in Long Beach, like three years ago now. Finally went because they had a Galentine’s event. It was very lovely and I def want to go back. They got some adorable, yet stylish things in there.

Palm Springs By Max Barbakow (2020)

this is a rewatch. Didn’t appreciate or realize that this is actually fun. Sort of deep, but also goofy. Great film, thank you to garrett harrelson for making me remember this. Also yall know this premiered at Sundance? hehe

Honorary movie mention:

The Sweet East(2023) by Sean Prince Williams. This was the movie I went to go see at the local arthouse theater after my hotdog at Wursthaus. Go see what I have to say about it

on letterboxd.

That’s all I got for today. Thank you for reading this, if you made it this far. Remember to drink water, tie your shoes, tell people you love em and have a great rest of your Monday. (:

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