Functional Grief: The Often Missed Nuances Of Grieving and What…

As we approach the end of Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to share my love-hate relationship with grieving and what grief has taught me.

Grief is a very complex emotion. We all encounter this beast at some point in their lives. We spend most of our time trying to avoid it and running from it, but it’s ever-present and inevitable. There’s a side of grief that you don’t always hear about. We often think about grieving a loved one, but truth be told you can grieve anything. What happens when you're grieving a job, a friendship, or the life you thought you would have? If you can relate, I would like to welcome you to a safe space and thank you in advance for allowing me to be transparent and share what I am currently experiencing. If you are feeling the same, I hope you find community here.

Grief has been on my mind and heart for a while now. I am grieving the loss of a beloved pet, opportunities that turned out to be dead ends, the absence of a version of myself that was once stronger and more disciplined, and the ongoing relentless grief of losing a loved one. I am functional, but grief is still an underlying current. There are so many subtle nuances of grief. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I do not have a plan, an answer, or a goal. I have none of those things now. I have no idea who I want to become or who I will be. I am existing, focusing on surviving one day at a time. What do you do when you are a strong friend and no one expects you to need anything? You are the one who has always had your shit together. How do you ask for help? The appears to be simple. The answer is you get out of your ego, swallow your pride, and ask.

We live in a society where the nuances of grief are often not discussed. The lines between depression and sadness for me have been blurred. I don’t know if it’s just sad or if I am depressed. I am also autistic, and I have Alexithymia, which is the difficulty recognizing and understanding one's emotions. Also, I’ve never been allowed to express my feelings without consequence. If you are a woman, you are considered dramatic or over-emotional. If you are a man, you are considered weak. Humanity is a concept that has long been lost. There’s a lot to juggle and consider. I often deal with and navigate these emotions on my own because I’ve always been judged or shut down for showing my feelings in front of the wrong person. Not to mention the guilt that comes with feeling like a burden. So, how did I get here? Currently, there is a stark difference between the life I am living and the life I thought I would be living. There are many reasons for that. When we are planning our dreams and aspirations, we often forget to take into account the spiraling economy, and all of the roadblocks life puts in the way. Then there’s the imposter syndrome that acts as the icing on the cake. I am a person who genuinely enjoys encouraging and pouring into other people, but in this season of my life, I am learning two valuable lessons. One, I need to be using that energy to pour into me. I need me now. Two, few of the people that I encourage are willing to do the same for me. When you are at your worst, that’s when you find out who your true friends are. You think of all the times you were a shoulder for someone to cry on, only for that person to ghost you once they are all better. I am fortunate to have a few people that I can be real with, but I am not used to having a strong support system. I feel like a burden. I have a lot of wonderful things going on for me. I haven’t completely hit rock bottom, but being in this place has been uncomfortable. So what do you do when feel like you don’t have a shoulder to cry on?

Embrace where you are. We all go through seasons of solitude. The sooner you embrace it the better you will feel. If you are lucky enough to have a great friend group, know that you have support, and don’t let your pride keep you from using your support systems when you need to. People want to be there for you, and if you are the strong one in the group, you likely have a hard time accepting help. Don’t push people away. Allow people the opportunity to return the favor and be there for you when you need it.

Don’t judge yourself. You are where you are for a reason. All of our journeys look different. It’s never too late to fall off track, and it’s never too late to get back up. Give yourself the grace you deserve. You are a human being with, dare I say, limitations! You are not designed to drive yourself in the ground. Honor where you are and allow yourself the opportunity to grieve the person you thought you would be by now. It doesn’t mean it’s over for you and your dreams. This is just a pit stop. You won’t be here forever.

If you need professional help and you are able, seek it. There's no shame in having a knowledgeable third party guide you through this tough time. Our friends and loved ones want to help but lack the tools necessary to guide us. They want to see us living our best lives and thriving, often basing healing on an unrealistic timeline. Grief doesn't work that way. One day you feel great, and the next grief slaps you in the face. Healing is not linear. Grief is a big feeling no matter how trivial the source of your grief may seem. We must give ourselves permission to grieve lost friendships and the lives we thought we would be living. Know that it’s okay to feel your feelings. Surround yourself with people that can hold space for you and give you room to grow. There‘s nothing more frustrating than going through something hurtful and people expecting you to return to an older version of yourself. Sometimes as we are shedding our former selves, we are required to shed those around us. Grief requires a shift, a change in perspective. Grief, ultimately, brings forth growth. This growth will require those around you to grow as well.

I've learned to have realistic expectations. Resist the urge to bounce back. Your bounce back will be short-lived. Take the time you need to adequately heal from what you just experienced. I’ve spent years trying to heal, only to find myself, paralyzed by grief. It has been inconvenient. I’ve been trying to find that older version of me who could use my pain as fuel to drive me forward, but I don’t think she exists anymore. That way of thinking was probably a little toxic. She was in survival mode. I’ve never had time to stop and feel. I had to be at work, or there was always some responsibility. I had to get up. I deserve to heal in peace, a luxury many of us don’t get to experience. I am demanding to heal in peace, something I am paying consequences for simply because our society won't allow it. It disrupts the flow of our capitalistic structure. Whether I am soaring or at rock bottom, I deserve kindness and respect, and I owe that to myself. I would love to show up to the world as the put-together version of myself that I used to present, but the truth is, she doesn’t exist anymore. I look a mess because some days I have to choose between my mental health and being fashionable. At times, I am ashamed of that, but it is what it is! I desperately want to present myself to the world how I truly envision myself, but I have to use my energy wisely. I can’t hold on to the past anymore hoping to breathe life into a version of me that no longer exists. I have to accept where I am at this moment. I missed all of "Hot Girl" summer, but hopefully, I will make "Hot Girl" fall with a pumpkin spice latte in hand!

In life, we all experience peaks and valleys. It is a necessary evil. Don't forget that there is beauty all around you, no matter where you are. As we close out the month of September, I want you to remember two things: be gentle with yourself, and you deserve to feel what you feel without judgment.