For the first time in my 19 years of life, I lost someone I deeply cared about.

In January, the woman who had raised me lost in her battle with leukemia. My world shattered at the passing of my grandmother.

I was sobbing. I was in immense pain, my mind telling me not to believe anything, that I was probably asleep and it was all a cruel nightmare. However with each teardrop, the almost silent thought at the back of my head, that she was really gone, grew louder. It became a whisper, it resembled my voice when talking on the phone, it turned into a shout- I was falling apart.

As one of my new year’s resolutions, I decided I would read more books in 2023. I went on to Pinterest and Twitter and looked up book recommendations randomly. I ended up choosing 10, saying I’d attempt to read at least four by the end of the month. By the middle of January, I had finished 5 books and was on my sixth. I found the books too intriguing to put down. The plots were interesting but so was the recurring theme I found in five of the six books- death.

The discussion of death and grief had been present in the books.

I often opt for the young adult and teen fiction romance genre when reading books. Something lighthearted and sweet to make me forget what a chore life can be. It was the first time in years I was reading books that discussed death, not just as a passing thought (the way it often came to me) but as a part of life.

Little did I know, that all those words I read, would be forced to come back to me before the month even ended. I would reach out for them, helplessly wishing for their comfort. Reminding myself of how the characters that had lived and been struck with grief, had managed to carry on.

The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho

Death is not necessarily a main theme in this book. I guess that can be debated, but spirituality was the main theme for me. I hadn’t focused much on the (fake) death part.

It was my first read of the year and a steady introduction to death. The characters in the story speak of the life and experiences of a character they believe to be dead. They are the ones who live on after their daughter, friend (or something bordering on friendship and enemy), potential love interest, and healer/guider, has passed on.

They are just as I am. Experiencing the feelings I’m experiencing.

2. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

This one went into great detail discussing life, death, and grief. It taught and reminded me that death isn’t the opposite of life, it’s merely a part of it.

It’s a terminating extension of life. A continuation of it in a different realm.

Toru Watanabe experiencing loss at different points in his life. He also witnesses those around him experience the grief with him or grief of their own, of people he barely knew. He manages to live on, to remind himself that he is whole and alive, even with the phantom missing pieces and the voids that arose due to the loss of his closest friends.

He’s a reminder that will all the hurricanes in my mind, the storm will settle.

3. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

If the characters in this book could witness some of the cruelest of deaths and still pick up the pieces and keep going, so could I.

The story takes place in a war-torn Afghanistan, where loss occurs in people fleeing and never seeing their loved ones again or being blown up into bits. The two female main characters witness all sorts of deaths at different points in their lives that remind me that no matter how much it hurts, it’s okay, and important, to keep on living.

To live for those that can no longer do so.

4. Almond by Sohn Won Pyung

Yunjae, like me, loses his grandmother.

I found myself wishing I could be like him- devoid of emotions. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have to cry myself to sleep or struggle to get up in the morning, weighed down by the heaviness in my chest.

He reminded me that people in any part of the world, no matter how different they are from me, could (and most likely would, at some point) share my sorrows. That I was going through a universal pain and I wasn’t completely alone in my lonely grief.

5. Becoming by Michelle Obama

This one surprised me. I started it to get to know the life of one of the most successful and inspiring Black women alive.

Yet she experiences loss at different times of her life, with people she shares different bonds with, that reassures me that I can and will go on. The way she speaks of her experience with grief made me feel understood, like finally someone understood how confusingly upsetting to see people living on as if the love of my life hadn’t passed on. How things that used to be a pleasure had become painful to experience.