Initial Draft and Revision of 'Behind Their Eyes'
Jae Jachl
https://jachlfam.com/blog/first-novel-update-and-a-preview About a year ago I completed the first draft of my first novel. I felt like such an accomplishment. I ran through some edits and sent it out to about ten agents or so. I did get some responses, but ultimately, they all passed. I was expecting as much so it wasn’t heartbreaking. I took a break and ruminated on the story. The time away from the story did me some good and now I am in the midst of a rewrite. I realized their are a few plot points that could be fleshed out better. I cut out a few characters to focus on the central characters, leading to more fleshed out character arcs. Personally, I’m feeling good about the changes. I think it’s adding more suspense, more mystery and I am excited to share it with the world. Below is the first chapter of my novel “Behind Their Eyes.” Please remember, this is a work in progress. It has not gone through edits and I can guarantee you, things will change. Feel free to give me feedback and if you are interested in reading more, sign up to my newsletter to get more updates and the chance to become a beta reader!
Chapter 1: Chloe - 1 Week Ago
Chloe’s ears screamed against the silence. Her senses overcompensated in the crushing darkness. Squinting, she strained to pick out any minute detail of her surroundings. Her heart pounded inside her skull, a dull drumbeat impossible to ignore. Each beat an explosion; the sharp shrapnel burrowed deep into the soft tissue. She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes, desperate for relief.
“Where the hell am I?” she asked into the dark. Her voice raspy as the cool air siphoned the moister from her vocal cords. She hoped for an answer, but expected none.
She ran her fingers across her sticky, chapped lips. There, among the widening cracks begging for water, a faint memory lingered. Mingling amongst the dream fog that still engulfed her brain. Perhaps it had just been a nightmare? No, it felt so real. So… Important. She wrestled with the memory, trying to pull it back into the light. But how could she pull something into a light she could not find herself?
“Where the hell am I?” she asked again. A memory flickered.
“Where are you?” Sarah asked as she stepped into the hall.
Chloe paused, her hand hovered over the doorknob. She closed her eyes and practiced a smile; she didn’t want to show Sarah she was upset. Besides, she really did need to leave; her mom was going to kill her if she was late. She spun. “I have to get home; it’s getting late.” She responded with a smile.
“Oh, okay.” Sarah frowned for a moment. “I’ll, uh… see you at school tomorrow!” She stood at the opposite end of the hall from Chloe with one hand on the wall, picking at the paint. “Thank you.” Her eyes lowered to the floor. “For not being mad, I mean.” Her glassy eyes widened. Chloe stayed silent, her smile fading. “You’re… you’re being quiet again.”
Chloe shook her head. The air felt heavy, each breath feeling like work. A lump formed at the back of her throat. She needed to leave, to escape, to breathe some fresh air. No way was she going to cry in front of Sarah. “Seriously, don’t worry about it.” She gave her a half-smile before turning and pushing open the door. How could Sarah be so callous? They’ve known each other since… forever. Maybe the walk home would calm her down.
The path from the door to the sidewalk felt long. Like she was walking the wrong way on a moving sidewalk inside an airport. When she finally reached the sidewalk and paused, though her hands still shook, just getting away from Sarah felt like a weight being lifted off her shoulders. Taking a deep breath, she savored the cool night air. The sun dipped below the horizon; shadows stretched until they broke into night, covering everything in darkness. Streetlights flashed on, the darkness retreating. Lights designed to make people feel safer. To Chloe, they were signal flares of a curfew past.
She picked up her pace. The promises she made to her parents echoed in her mind. How was she supposed to prove she was responsible if she couldn’t even be home on time? This was her chance to make them trust her. Treat her more like an adult and she was blowing it.
The memory faded back into the canyons of her mind. She tried to chase it, hold on to it, but the sound of her own heartbeat drowned it out. It slipped away, vanishing into the graveyard reserved for the vague memories of memories. Leaving behind a strange residue that was hard to shake.
Chloe sat there alone, unable to see her surrounding. A sickening feeling washed over her as she mourned the forgotten memory. The memory that sat just out of reach, daring her to dig deeper. She shook her head, erasing the feeling like an Etch-a-Sketch, letting it go with an exasperated puff of air.
“Hello?” she croaked. Her voice reverberated back at her as if to mock her. She marinated in the silence. Her eyes darted, searching for any light, even just a faint glimmer in the distance. Some clue, a marker, anything to help her find her bearings.
She squinted again. “Am I blind?” She asked. Raising her hand to her face, she waved, hoping to see movement, proving to herself she could still see. Something brushed against her nose. Chloe recoiled, her legs kicking against the dirt, pushing her back across the hard ground. Rocks dug into the palms of her hands. She clutched at her chest, breath jagged. Reaching up, she brushed her nose and then chuckled.
“Calm down.” She said. “It was your own hand.” Clearing her throat, she called out once more. “Is anyone there?”
She brushed the rocks from her hands, then reached down, her fingers dragging across the coarse ground as more of her memory slipped into place.
Rocks crunched beneath her feet as she turned down Morrison Lane, the shortcut she’d avoided since the breakup. She pretended to be okay, to act tough in front of him, like it didn’t matter. But it still hurt. Sarah tried to fix it, said things would get easier, but she only made it worse. She was supposed to be her best friend. Now, every time she saw him… Every time she saw them. It’s too much. What’s wrong with her? Was she not good enough?
Chloe’s phone vibrated in her pocket. She pulled it out and pushed the power button in. The screen lit up, blinding her to her surroundings. One message from Mom. She swiped the screen up to unlock it as she continued down the dirt road, navigating to her messages. Chloe lurched forward, her foot sinking into a pothole. “Fuck!” She called out as her hands reached out to catch the ground, protecting her body from harm. Her phone bounced off the gravel, away from her, into the darkness. “Dammit!” Chloe looked around, becoming acutely aware of the sudden lack of street lights. “Where the fuck did it go?”
The wind howled in the distance. A faint whistling as the crisp air pushes its way between obstructions. A rush of cold air surrounded Chloe. Its icy tendrils grabbing hold of her and snaking their way around her body, dragging her out of the memory. Chloe shivered as the cold penetrated her clothes and reached her spine. The hairs on her arm standing on end. Reaching across her body, she rubbed her arms, smoothing the tiny runaway hairs back into submission. Her fingers ached and stiffened as the cold cut deeper with each gust of wind.
Her phone—where was her phone? Chloe searched her pockets. Nothing. “Dammit.” She spat. “Where is it?” She leaned forward, on her hands and knees. Her hand swept across the rocky floor. “Where?” Tears burned the back of her throat as she sat back, realizing that even if she could find it, the battery was probably dead or the screen cracked. A silent tear rolled down her cheek. Did she ever pick her phone up after dropping it? Another memory fell into place.
Chloe crawled down the road, feeling for her lost device. Rocks crunched behind her. Her head spun, glancing back, peering into the darkness, squinting into the night. “Hello?” She asked as she climbed to her feet, keeping her eyes locked. Shaking her head, she ignored her inner voice screaming at her to just leave the phone and run home. It’s nothing, she brushed away the noise. It’s just a curious raccoon or nocturnal squirrel. Besides, her parents would lose it if she came home late AND lost her phone. If she wasn’t going to be allowed to go out with friends, she would need to communicate with the outside world. She peered down at the road. The phone's screen lit up. A call from her mom. “There it is.” Chloe scrambled towards the phone and reached down, picking it up and examining it for damage before pushing her finger against the screen to answer the call.
“No, I had my phone.” Chloe thought. Her nose stung with each inhale. The dry, chilly air sapped more moisture from her with each passing breath, leaving behind sensitive, chapped skin. Burning cracks deepened across her lips. She prodded the Grand Canyon-sized breaks with her tongue, wishing she had Chapstick or, better yet, water. Or, even better, her fucking phone! She chuckled to herself again. Chapstick? She didn’t even know where the hell she was or what kind of danger she could be in, and she's worried about Chapstick. She licked her lips again, wetting them, allowing her spit to soak in and ease the pain. A faint, sweet, medicinal taste lingered in her mouth. Curious, she licked them again. It was fruity, familiar, yet different somehow.
Rocks crunched behind her again. She spun. A hand shot out of the darkness, wrapping its digits around her mouth, the other arm wrapping around her waist, pulling her close. Her phone plummeted to the ground. Her heart leaped into her throat as she tried to scream. The sound came out muffled, no louder than a whisper. She clawed at the arms, digging her fingernails deep into the person’s flesh. Her attacker tightened their grip and pulled her into the shadows.
The hand fell away from Chloe’s mouth. She breathed in, gasping for air. Filling her lungs as she prepared to scream. But the hand reappeared, pushing an icy cloth against her mouth and nose. The hand tightened. Her breath quickened. Her chest burned, begging for fresh air as they dragged her into the shadows, the safety of the porch lights fading. She breathed in. Sweet. Fruity. The taste overwhelmed her. Her vision blurred. The world faded as she dug her nails further into the skin. She kicked her feet as consciousness failed; She was so close. Just a couple of blocks from home. Fighting to stay awake, to not get ripped away from her world. The porch lights, just a tiny pinprick now, a distant beacon, shrinking as the darkness swallowed her.
Wood creaked, snapping Chloe back to the present. “Is… Is anyone there?” Her feeble voice trembled. The words reverberated in the surrounding void. “Please, I’m… I think I’m lost.” Wood creaked overhead again, footsteps. Chloe froze. Wait, was it them?
Like this project
Posted Feb 22, 2026
Completed and revised the first draft of 'Behind Their Eyes' novel.
Likes
0
Views
0
