The voice that broke the vocal cord.
Priscilla Amao
The child that grew without a mother. She experienced growth that was independent of nutrients-the one others get from colostrum and mothers’ love. When others say they were forced to grow up what should she say? Because she had always been an adult since her first breath.
JANUARY 23, 2003
Romans 8:28 (KJV)
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”
The child would go on to think for many years and come to a conclusion that she either didn’t meet up with the standard of God’s love that could be reciprocated or she was not called according to his purpose.
Thanks for reading Priscillas lenses 📸! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Things will go wrong for her more times that she can keep count of but every time, she’ll remember her Sunday school teacher’s favourite bible verse that evolved into being hers.
Micah 7:7 (MSG)
“But me, I’m not giving up. I’m sticking around to see what God will do. I’m waiting for God to make things right. I’m counting on God to listen to me.”
And that is exactly what she will do- stick around.
JOURNAL ENTRY 001
25th October 2011.
Today, you turn eighteen.
People who have had a childhood will say welcome to adulthood so you won’t know what exactly to tell yourself.
you’ll see a epic movie. One that will get you in your feelings. The emotions you’ve tried to suppress all your life will surge and you’ll take a while to wonder if life would really have been different with a mother.
You’ll immediately sniff back the tears remembering aunty comforts encouraging words.
“A lot of kids don’t only grow up without mothers. They learn to live with no one. No father or bonus family. You’ll be alright”
Well, welcome to Nigeria where there is no grief management scheme. Where anyone and everyone is entitled to give you a piece of advice given that they have not for once being in your shoes.
"Grief is not something that can be fixed with a few words, no matter how well-meaning. Sometimes, those who try to help end up unintentionally minimizing the pain." – Unknown
You’ll never know which grief you’ll get. By now, you’ll be conditioned to believe that unfortunate occurrences come in hierarchy and of course, you’re better than several others.
“don’t ever take it easy on yourself. Don’t ever give you a chance to grief instead, be grateful”
Everyone is meeting their younger self for tea but you don't know what version of her to meet. The witty little kid from fourteen? You can't decide because even now, you're just a teen. Wait, eighteen and a teen. You just rhymed?
And did you just call yourself a teen? Now, kindly scrap that.
ENTRY 002
February 1, 2014.
You’ll randomly take a pen and paper. You’ll scribble till your fingers begin to hurt. You’ll hate that your thoughts are not only niched but glitched.
You’ll hate that you’ve tried all your best. from constantly putting Aunty Comforts advice on replay to staying absolutely positive and entertaining yourself with loss stories of people who thought you had it easier than them and shoved it down your throat at every slight chance they get. You’ll remember that you are now more distant from church than you have being in your whole twenty-two years of existence but you still sometimes fast hoping that God will take away these bothersome thoughts-all that matters is sticking around, right? so you do just that albeit from a distance.
You’ll continually wonder why all efforts to silence the voice in your head only led to its increasing volume. How can someone you never met be the reason for your gloom? This grief that is a response to love that couldn’t stay, this grief that is suffocated by the opinion of one thousand others as to why it should not be expressed will soon become hatred for the dead.
"The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break." — William Shakespeare
But dear, you won’t know this until this grief turns you lunatic.
ENTRY 003
March 28th 2015
You'll barge into your apartment drenched in a kind of anger you cannot contain. You’ll give an heart-wrenching scream. You’ll be scared of people around hearing what you’ve become but you’ll remember the waterproof doors are just enough to keep your voice behind bars like yourself.
You’ll continually try to catch your breath but it won’t slow down-perhaps it’s also scared of you.
It’ll come back at you. The moment that your boyfriends mum won’t stop gushing over him….
“This is a freaking man! Why can’t she get that? Why did she have to touch him every second and ask him random stuff? Why did you feel so left out even though you can’t deny her conscious effort to involve you in the conversations?”
All these questions will rush at you tearing you apart. Have you so much inbuilt hate that you cannot afford to see a mother love her child?
"It is a natural instinct to grieve the dead, but it is also a complex emotion. The anger, the rage at the unfairness, the betrayal by death — it can lead to feelings that are not always pure or easy to comprehend." — Unknown
You’ll remember the look of disgust on Bayo’s face in the car when you tried to explain how you felt after he continually pestered you to tell him what was wrong.
His response will forever be etched in this part of your memory that does not sleep.
“If you can’t cope with this, how will you cope with your own kids? Are you not going to love them? You just hate my mother and its quite evident you don’t have to project your trauma on this…..it’s been over twenty years now, grow up!”
You’ll remember your loud laughter and even now you can swear that you saw him shiver….
You never knew your mother all your life and you pulled through but somehow some twenty-six years old whose mother still literally spoon-feeds them think they are in the best position to lecture you on growing up?
Again, you will not be able to contain your anger. You’ll let out another long scream- hopefully long enough to tell how much your heart twitches in your chest.
Even the story you tell with your mouth cannot give people an adequate understanding of what you go through. What makes you think a scream will do?
It doesn’t change anything right? So you’ll go on and on, screaming your lungs out while all your thoughts spin messily around your unconventional world.
ENTRY 004
July 2nd 2017.
Today, you somehow find your way to the old church at the far end of the streets. For some reason, you’ll conclude sticking around may not do.
You no longer have a lot of friends- they’re either getting married or travelling. You’re absolutely fine except you’re empty on the inside, battling an emotion no one knows anything about. You’ll remember the passages from Sunday school. How Jesus healed the sick and cured the lunatic. Maybe you never for once lost faith-just probably forgot what to do with it.
Now, even if you could never fix a date to meet your younger self for coffee, you’ve decided to meet her with Jesus as the intermediate-perhaps, he could take your hand and lead you gently to her.
You’re sat at the far end of the auditorium and the message never seems to change
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." — John 3:16 (NIV)
You’ll scream in your mind
“I believe, I believe….”
"So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." — Romans 10:17 (KJV)
You’ve not been hearing and hearing….you’ve been estranged for quite a while now but does it matter?
"Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them." — Elisabeth Elliot
You’ll tell yourself, “I have faith!”….But maybe as love is not sometimes enough, this too is not enough. You will not know what to do with your faith.
"Sometimes, when someone dies, their absence fills the room with a strange and unspoken anger—because they are gone, and we are left behind, with all the unanswered questions and the pain of unfinished conversations." — Unknown
You’ll leave the church like every other person except deep down, you know you’re leaving without an answer.
ENTRY 005
July 3rd 2017.
You’ll feel cold metal biting into your skin. Slowly, you’ll open your eyes. It’ll take a while to process but reality will finally hit you. The stench, the noise, the dress – A psychiatric ward.
You’ll look up and see multiple pairs of eyes gazing at you. You won’t recognize some of them but you will be able to to identify your dad, your stepmother, aunty comfort. You’ll wonder what Bayo was also doing here.
“have I finally gone mad?” the laughter that comes after your question will be your answer. Is it really this easy to go mad?
You’ll go on to stare blankly around the room.
A group of people will come in. they’ll introduce themselves as members of the salvation army. They’ll say “lunacy is demonic….it is not God’s plan for anyone”
You’ll believe because you’ve always believed. You’ll feel a calm, you’ll regain hope.
"When you are grieving, you don’t have to understand why, but you can trust that God is good, and He will hold you close as you walk through the valley." — Unknown
Now, this people will go on and on about the therapeutic Jesus.
As always, your faith will not waver. Maybe now is the perfect time to do something with it.
PS:This is a really long read…if you got this far…omorr, I'm sending you hugs o😂. Sometimes last year, i started a newsletter titled the therapeutic Jesus…but I'm not sure i wrote up to a paragraph before i gave up as me sef realise say i need therapy😂.. So if anybody likes to take it from me…I don't know what to do with that letter anymore but i know there's a lot someone can do with it.
do have a lovely week ahead….I know this is too long and too late for a sunday read..I'm sorry 😔
Thanks for reading Priscillas lenses 📸! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Like this project
Posted Jul 21, 2025
A personal narrative exploring grief, faith, and healing.
Likes
0
Views
2
