I want to tell you a story without having to confess to anything. But in all honesty, this is all that it is ; Confessions of a pure heart.
She came to here in need of a breather. A break from her life and everything that comes with it. She longed for serenity and she remembered she can give herself exactly that. Through the Sun, the Grass and the fresh Air from the trees around. When she first saw you she took note of how different you are. But it wasn’t until the way you looked at her sparked a story she doesn’t want to forget. Then she began to write about you.
Surely she looks at you in a way she could never look at anyone else inside this land of invisible lemons. At first, she thought it was absolutely nothing. But she remembered a dream she had. Then everything began to unfold. She began noticing you more and more. Clearer and clear. Until a picture of you evolved and stayed in her mind. She finds contentment in feeding the birds that would take turns visiting throughout the day. And you too became a frequent sight. The sound of your voice became recognizable from a distance. She sought hearing it more. You would pass by, greet, with a smile on your face. And now that smile cannot be erased from the chaos in her mind. She began hearing your name within this chaos constantly. Not the name everyone uses to address you, no. But the one you had shared with her in one of your short lived conversations. ( I realized I was hearing the wrong name lol but that’s okay.)
Within a short period of time she realized she feels something for you. She couldn’t describe it. They call them “feelings” because they couldn’t possibly shrink all that into just one word. But this young lady couldn’t possibly entertain these feelings, not even for a second. But she wanted to. She grew curious as to why they occupy her insides. She began to wonder what is it that she could possibly be feeling. Was it worth discovering? And could it lead to exploration? Even though she had all these questions she had no courage of giving herself these answers.
She’d wake up and listen for the sound of your voice through the loud conversations that take place outside her bedroom window. If or when found, your presence would be the reason for her to wake up and get ready for the day. A day spent observing life and writing about it. She washes her face and moisturize it to look decent enough to get a smile out of you. And she brush her teeth so her morning breath wouldn’t intervene when she smiles back. She doesn’t worry too much about how she dresses. She is mother of a toddler. Even if she were to try dressing up to get a compliment from you, she knew she’d end up filthy, sitting on the grass her hands filled with leaves and rocks. Hence she doesn’t even try.
She grew fond of what became a habit of watching you pass by, and the small talk you would have with her between the days. In one of the conversations you had you shared with her that you called her mother, who is in fact her mother in-law “mamazala”. She didn’t know if that is the manner you address older women or you were indicating to her your hidden desire without realizing. It didn’t take her too long to figure it out though. She laughed at the thought of her “mamazala” being your “mamazala” too. She wondered in what world could this be possible. And if there is she would like to visit it. The possibility of you feeling these strange feelings too terrified her. When she got a slight sight of that she allowed doubt to creep in her days. It was better than having to figure out what to do if you felt these feelings for her too. She made herself believe that you are just too good. And one would mistaken your genuineness for a flirt. She recalls all the times she has watched you being. She began to wonder if you were standing in the middle of the parking lot the other day wanting her to notice you? And why you still see her while pretending to not see her when you were in conversation with other people. When you told her you see her what is it that you are seeing?
She believes she sees the universe when looks into your eyes. And sometimes she cant breathe when she’s standing in front of you. She can feel the greatness within you. And she loves your humble smile. She does not completely enjoy these beautiful thoughts of you because she feels guilty about them most of the time. But this is her truth. No else could ever know not even you. For these past couple of weeks she was the most content living her truth in her head.
With time she grew frustrated by not being able to put her finger around these constantly blooming feelings. She began to assume it was what they call a “crush”. Even though she had forgotten how that feels she knew she has never felt anything like this before. If it is a crush, it is a soul rooted one.
There was a time where she wished you had seen her walk to the washing lines. Then follow her behind those walls. Grab her from behind, turn her and gently push her to the wall. Place your lips on hers for short while. Pull away then walk away. She would have been left in shock. Then she’d be alright with it. It would be your little secret. All three of you. You, her and the person that witnessed the act of you taking her from up their window. Because there’s always someone watching. Don’t be mistaken, she’s still a good young lady. But sometimes these thought can occupy princess’s minds too. Even though this is embarrassing for her to admit, it is her truth and these are her Confessions.
She has a lot of scenarios play out in her head. They are mostly influenced by the mixed signals. She tries to connect the dots with every signal she gets. The compliments thrown in passing, and the indescribable ways you look at her. But the picture wasn’t clear enough for her to be certain of anything. She concluded that you are good at core and so is she. On a spiritual context this is God appreciating God for being Good. “Real recognizes Real” is what they both certainly felt. But anything above that was complicated. Maybe a little too complicated for her. She knew whatever this is shouldn’t grow any bigger or burn any longer.
She continues to admire you from a safe distance. She watches you walk away after your long day at work. Just to get the last clips of you before you’re gone. Even when she sometimes pretends to not see you. She doesn’t want it to be that obvious. When she allowed herself to feel these feeling at the beginning, she thought she would let it play out. Because she wanted to write about it. But as she did she had a realization, she didn’t want to forget you. She decided to keep you alive in this story.
Saturday the 27th felt a bit strange for this young lady. The night before she had prayed and asked her guides about her little situation. It felt as though it was getting a bit too much to control or even hide. The next morning she woke up with a feeling that all of this has just been in her head. She realized you don’t look at her any different. She was just seeing what she deeply wants to see. Her creative imagination uses you. Because of your light. Even after such conclusions she realized she still seeks to hear the sound of your voice or your laugh from a distance. She got up as usual and began her day with no hopes of seeing you. But then she did. At the parking lot. When her son decided to run around. You greeted and she greeted back. And in the mists of all that, for a split second, time stopped for her. No one was there, no one but you two. There was no distance. Then all of a sudden there were two ladies in between you and her. Shouting. Complaining about not being seen in that moment. They had no idea she took you out of sight for a moment. You both laughed. Then you shared one last look at each other and disappeared from each other’s sight. This caused confusion in this young lady’s mind and soul. She thought she was over this. She even thought she had figured that there was nothing between you two. But now it was as though she was back where she was before her prayer.
Even though there was too little time left and her head occupied with doubt and confusion, her soul still longed for some sort of attention from you. She just wanted to know if you were feeling anything for her? But how could she know? Should she wait around and see what happens? She realized that if these questions were to be answered they'd cause bigger problems for her. She decided she didn’t want to know anymore.
Time keeps moving and her head still clouded with so much questions. On days were she wouldn’t see you she looked for you in every face that would pass by. She longed for your laughter in other’s conversations. She wanted to get some form of attention. It was hard but she kept it together for two days. Until she decided to share information that came in handy. She overstepped the boundaries, forgive for her for that. But she needed a quick fix of you. She couldn’t wait for the next day it seemed a million years from where she stood. She knew tomorrow would come and she looked forward to seeing you nonetheless. She keeps imagining you in a grey jersey for some reason. She does hope for her sanity’s sake you continue to smile at her through out the day. It will drive her crazy but she does promise you she’ll be satisfied until the next day.
The next day came and she couldn’t openly search for you how she normally does. You noticed her a little and you probably wanted to ask her if she was alright. She wasn’t. This whole thing has lead her to insanity. Now she’s getting uncomfortable and unnecessary attention from other people. She never wanted that sort of attention not from anyone. All she wanted was for you to pass by like you normally do, look at her with eyes of wonder and smile at her. Or even have whatever small talk. All you gave her that day was just one look in passing. But she needed more of you. And knowing she couldn’t have you how normally does saddened her. But she had to be okay with that.
She started reflecting later that day. Going back to the same place she goes to. Wondering what is the point of all this. Why does she have to feel the way she does for you. You were still leaving and she’d probably never see you ever again. She needed answers. Directly from same God that made her dream about this before it even happened. Frustrated and confused she thought maybe she wasn’t suppose to smile back at you or look at you the way she does. Now she doesn’t know what to do with all these feelings. She has no place for them in her heart. They are misplaced hence they would make her sick in her stomach and her head too.
It started to feel pointless to think of you because all it did was mess up her head. But whenever her eyes were set upon you again and your occupancy in her mind doesn’t feel so pointless. She keeps intentionally drowning herself in your eyes. What for? She too has no idea. She thought she wouldn’t want you. But she’s thought it. She wants to feel your hands on her face. She wants to know how it feels to be held in your arms. She wonders if you have any tattoos. She wonders if you have a scar located under your heart or around that area. She saw that in a dream she had. She also wonders if it could have been a metaphor of having your heart hurt badly. She wonders if you have any kids. She imagines you’re 33 years of age but would like to know how old you actually are. She wants to know of the stories that made you You. She also wonders how you looked with your dreadlocks. And why you chose to end that type of commitment.
She kept imagining you in a grey jersey until she saw you in a grey coat. She knew you’d look good in grey. She’s pleased she got a chance to see you in it outside her head. Thoughts of you make her smile and sad at the same time. And not knowing what this is still frustrates her. So she gathered the courage to ask you why you look at her they way you do. You said she’s “beautiful and that there isn’t more to say”. She wondered if that was entirely true. Or you didn’t want to figure out what it is you felt. Could it be because you too have a partner you chose to commit to a while ago?. It seemed as though the fact that you were leaving seemed bigger than considering exploring what it is you’re feelings for her, or finding out if there was anything at all. It wasn’t easy for her. The fact that she is in a committed relationship but having dreams about you drove her to roller-coaster of insanity. All of this has never happened before. She doesn’t even look at other men as if she’s still in the game. She doesn’t want to be seen. But you saw her. And she saw you. Your presence in her soul and mind awakened things she never knew she could feel. Nonetheless, she is grateful to have experienced you before you leave.
The morning of the 1st of August was grey and you crossed her mind as she made her coffee. She wanted to bring you a cup cake and coffee. That would have been seen as strange though. Even though she knew you’d appreciate it her doubt was bigger than all of that. She saw you shortly after that. You complimented her hair. And offered her the kindness of throwing away her trash. You got met by unexpected diaper shit, she apologizes for that. She was honored by the act of taking your time to come out of a conversation you were having with your colleagues and attend to her the way you did. It made her feel somewhat special. Will she suffer the silence of feeling the way she does without telling you? She thought to herself that moment.
During a conversation you had with her you mentioned that you were certain many guys look at her and that you’re just one of them. Yes they do BUT you’re not just one of them. You’re the only one that looked at her the way only you can. You awakened wild feelings inside of her. She finds pleasure in these feelings in spite of her circumstances. Is it really just the beauty of her face that you see? She still wonders.
She hasn’t seen you since you last spoke. She fears she scared you off. She feels she shouldn’t have pushed you to answer that question. Now she might never see your face again. She’s afraid your time is up. She wished she had more time. She could have froze time if you both had clear intentions. You became a frequent in her days that you were visibly missing on days you weren’t. Inside those days, even after she figured you’re not around she still hoped you’d show up. She’d search for the sound of your voice but couldn’t find it anywhere.
She referred back to the Creator wondering again why she had to go through this. To go through you. She hasn’t received the answers she seeks. But she finds comfort in knowing it will all make sense when it does.
There is something in her soul that forced her to gravitate towards you. Know this, if she doesn’t figure it out during this lifetime, she’ll find you again in the next. She'll experience more of you under better circumstances then if you'll have her. She’ll remember to put her lips on yours given the chance. Do not forget her, not so soon. She might have been just a beautiful face to you but you were her favorite sight. Even from behind.
I hope this puts a smile on your face for me.
Thank you for being my muse.
