Sometimes I feel like I am looking at two. Not two of me, but two other people. One is an older man, like my grandfather, and the other is a younger female, perhaps in her 30s. How is it that I see these figures every day in my head? They are dark, like a shadow almost. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. Ever since the first day these two shadows showed up in my head, everything has felt like a blur. I am not sure what to do whenever I see them, so the best thing I guess I can do is talk to them. And I do. When we talk, it is always about the people I see every day and they always tell me to beware of the people I just walk past. They don’t like when I have to go to work but I don’t have much of a choice. When my husband took off with our neighbor and left me alone a few months ago, I haven’t been the same. It’s almost as if this is when the shadows came into my life. They were smaller then but they have continuously gotten darker and larger.
This morning I sat down for my daily cup of coffee and immediately the shadows were there. Except I could make out more of what they looked like. The older man had glasses and really did look like my grandfather. The younger woman looked angry with me and she had this sort of look that I could only describe as Rhonda. Rhonda was my best friend but a few weeks before my husband left me, Rhonda and I had a huge fight. We ended our friendship and then a month later she was killed. I hated the way we left things.
As I continued with my day, I kept thinking about why this older man looked like my grandfather. And then it hit me. My grandfather was the only one who took care of me when my mother and father passed away. He was a cruel man but I always thought it was for the best. A year before I got married we had a fight and I moved as far away from him as possible. A few weeks later, I got a call from my aunt telling me he had suffered a heart attack. Another person close to me that I hated the way we left things. After all this thinking, were these shadows I am seeing of the two people who really meant the most to me? What did they come back for? I must admit it is nice having company, even if it was just ghosts really. I thought I had really lost everything. I never had kids so I couldn’t have that sort of company.
What keeps me up now while I try to fall asleep is if I am going to get a call from someone saying that my ex-husband is dead. We didn’t leave things on a good note, but maybe this time will be different. I keep thinking if I need closure from my grandfather or Rhonda. What could the closure be? Every day when I wake up and look in the mirror I just see this dark cloud over my head and then these shadows arrive. Is this dark cloud the closure hanging over me? Or is it simply depression? I am not sure anymore but I need to go on my way to figure it out.
As I look through old photo albums of me and my grandfather, I keep thinking about what I need to do to get this closure. I was hoping that maybe he could say something if I found what I was looking for but it can’t be that easy. I guess nothing is really that easy. It just feels harder knowing he can tell me when I find it and he won’t. Then I stop. Maybe it’s because the answer isn’t in the photo albums. Maybe it’s just something deeper. And it may be the same with Rhonda. But what? What is deeper than in the photo albums? At this point, I am just running around my house searching for these answers but I just can’t find anything. I stop and look in the mirror, well I look at my grandfather and at Rhonda. They both give me a somewhat reassuring look like this is fine and I’ll be okay. Do I just have to continue living with them by my side? Are they like my guardian angels? No way. I look at my watch and see that it’s almost midnight. I think it’s best to stop searching for the day.
I almost immediately fall asleep when I lie down in my bed and I’m transported into this strange dream. I am in a white room with my grandfather and Rhonda looking right at me. They are just staring at me.
“Why are you both just with me? What is it that I need to do to set you both free?” I say with anxiousness.
“My dear granddaughter, the answers you search for are farther than you think. If you go and try to search for these answers it may lead you into serious trouble.” My grandfather said this with concern which is quite surprising.
All of a sudden I woke up to my phone ringing. I look at the time and it’s 3:30 in the morning.
I then reach for my phone and answer it. ‘Hello?”
“Hello. Is this Krista?”
“Uhm yes? Who is this?”
“It’s Jame’s wife. I’m so sorry to call you at this hour but I figured I should tell you.”
I sat up quickly in my bed. “Is everything okay?”
“Unfortunately no. James is running out of time.”
