Cherophobia

Jenna doesn’t understand why she has to continue to live this way. Ever since she was 12, she has always felt sad and really she doesn’t know why. Jenna has continued to try and figure out why she is so sad all the time. She has an amazing job, she had a wonderful childhood, and she has such a beautiful family. She has thought about maybe if she had more friends or if she had a family of her own, but she doesn’t feel it’s useful right now.

Jenna is getting ready for work, takes her vitamins, and pops another antidepressant in her mouth. She doesn’t think they’re helping but her mother always checks in to see if she is taking them. As Jenna makes her way to work, she thinks about maybe changing jobs or at least just going on a vacation.

“Good Morning Jenna! I hope you are doing well. Mark wanted to see you in his office this morning.” Another friendly welcome from Cathy.

“Thank you, Cathy. So far I’m doing pretty good.” Jenna responds and makes her way to Mark’s office.

She knocks on Mark’s office.

“Come in.” Jenna opens the door and steps inside. “Good Morning. Go ahead and take a seat.”

Jenna sits down and starts to feel a bit nervous.

“I wanted to let you know, Jenna, that we have decided to give you a raise. I know that you have been for a year, but you are working extremely hard. I hope you will accept.”

Jenna felt actually quite shocked. “First thank you for considering and second, I do accept. I wanted to ask something though.”

Mark turned around to get some paperwork. “Go ahead.”

“Well, Mark, I was thinking about possibly taking a small vacation but if that would interfere with my raise I will gladly postpone.”

Mark laughed. “I suggest you take a vacation so that you have some time to relax before your new big step.”

Jenna smiled, although it felt fake. “Thank you so much.”

Jenna left Mark’s office after finishing the new paperwork and heads to her desk. She wants to feel happy about the raise, but she can’t.

It’s now the end of the day and Jenna is making her way home. She still has not felt happy about her raise or even the fact that she gets to take a small vacation. She even called her mom and her mom asked if she was excited about it. Jenna responded that she was but she didn’t feel it. Luckily, hopefully, Jenna is going to see her therapist today and so she wanted to get home and really be ready.

As soon as Jenna got home, she got into more comfortable clothing and had a quick snack. Once she was ready, she made her way to her therapist.

Jenna walked up to her therapist’s office and knocked on the door.

“Afternoon Jenna. How are you?” Dr. Roan guides me into the room.

I take my seat, “I feel good. Well, not happy which sucks. I got offered a raise today and I get to go on vacation for a few days.”

“I can see why that would suck for you not to feel happy about both these things. Have you talked to your doctor about getting off your medications?”

Jenna nods her head. “She said that I can start going off of them slowly.” Dr. Roan writes this down.

“Okay. This will be better for you because sadly, the antidepressants won’t help you in your case.”

Jenna started to feel a little hurt. “What do you mean?”

“Well, what I’m getting at Jenna is that you aren’t depressed. You haven’t been through anything that has caused you to really feel this way. What you have is Cherophobia which is the fear of happiness.”

Jenna was frozen. One she didn’t know what this was and second, she didn’t how she got it. “How do I have this?”

Dr. Roan grabbed her notepad. “Well, when I said there isn’t something that you went through to cause depression, I was referencing your childhood. You have had cherophobia for a few years. When you were describing your childhood, specifically when you were 12, that was depression. You got so used to being unhappy because you were never treated that it changed into cherophobia after you started on your antidepressants.”

Jenna started to cry. “But I don’t understand. Is there something that happened when I was 12 to just make me continue to be sad?”

“Jenna, this is something that you will need to figure out. I can put you into hypnosis but in this current moment and your current state, I don’t think it’s the best.” Dr. Roan got up and gave me a paper for our next appointment. “I want you to take some time for yourself on your vacation.”

Jenna and Dr. Roan smiled at each other, then Jenna left. She was just standing on the sidewalk with all this new information in her head. She thought to herself.

I guess now is the time for me to figure out what happened in my childhood to cause this. All on my vacation.

Jenna got home, took off her shoes, and just sat down on her couch. She still had to figure out if she actually wanted to go anywhere for her vacation or if she was just going to stay home and call it a vacation. So Jenna got up and grabbed her laptop to start looking up relaxing places to go within the state.

Hmmm, looks like there are a few Airbnb’s available tomorrow in upstate New York. That might be nice. Jenna looked at these options and found a perfect place. This looks like the best option for me right now.

Jenna booked a 3-night stay at an Airbnb in Albany. It is a smaller house that looks quite modern on the outside but very vintage and old on the inside. She wished she could feel happy about getting this place but again, she felt the same she has for years.

In her line of view once she looked up was her antidepressants. She knew she needed to go off of them slowly but she thought maybe if she took two a day it might help her to get over this cherophobia. She wiped the thought from her mind. She didn’t want to go down that route.

The next morning, Jenna finished packing everything that she needed and made her way to the street to get a taxi. Once she got a taxi, she knew she was ready for this small break.

“Going somewhere nice this morning?” The taxi driver looked at her in the rearview mirror.

“Oh. I guess. Just going to Albany to sort of relax. Got some good news yesterday at work so I was lucky enough to get a break before I go back.” Jenna got out her phone to make sure they were going to the right place. She felt a bit nervous having someone take her somewhere far from home but she felt it was good for her as well.

“That should be nice. I hear Albany is quite beautiful these days. Haven’t been there myself in quite some time. I hope you enjoy your stay up there.” He smiled and looked back at the road.

Jenna continued to look at her phone while the rest of the car ride was silent. She looked up and out of the window to see the beautiful leaves that appear during the fall. This doesn’t even make me happy. My favorite time of year doesn’t make me happy.

“Well, here we are ma’am. Enjoy your stay!” Jenna got out and grabbed her things.

“Thank you.” She gave a fake smile and walked up to the Airbnb door. She looked at the directions on how to get in and *click*, she was in. She walks in and sets her things down in the living room. She breathed in the air and felt the same.

She makes her way through the house to get acquainted with everything and heads back to the kitchen to get some tea ready. With the kettle on the stove, Jenna went to her suitcase to get out her toilet trees and towel. She looked up and thought she saw a woman outside her window. She got so startled she dropped her things and briskly walked to the kettle to take it off the stove. Jenna took a moment and breathed.

There’s no one there. I am just seeing things. She turned her head towards the window, nothing. She shook her head to just get whatever it was off her mind. A nice shower should help.

It was nighttime now and Jenna was eating a microwave meal with a glass of wine. She didn’t grab many groceries to cook her own phone that night, she also didn’t want to. When Jenna was cleaning up her trash, she heard a knock on the door. Jenna stopped in fear.

There should be no one here. She finished cleaning up quickly and went to look out the peephole. There was no one there. I must be going crazy.

Jenna went back to the bedroom to start to get ready for bed but she heard the knock on the door again. She sprinted to the door and opened it quickly. Again, no one was there.

What now?! Why can’t I just have this place be relaxing for me? Jenna was starting to get upset. She went back to the bedroom after locking the door and making sure all windows were closed. She got into bed and contemplated keeping the light on or turning it off. But it was too late as she drifted off to sleep.

“Jenna. There is no need for you to enjoy this. Look at us. We can’t be happy here. We can never be happy here. This place is a hell hole. It’s shit. Wipe that stupid smile off your face and quit laughing. Your brother is gone and won’t ever come back to get us. Enough!”

Jenna woke up abruptly and in a sweat. She has never had a dream or nightmare like that before. She looked over at the time and it was already 8 am. She stretched and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. As she was waiting for the coffee to brew, she looked out that same window and saw the woman again. Jenna walked a bit closer to the window to look at this woman. The woman had tears rolling down her cheeks as if she had been crying for hours. She was angry and Jenna almost felt like this woman was angry with her. But before Jenna could figure it out her coffee was done.

Jenna grabbed her coffee and an apple and went outside on the deck to try to at least feel some sort of happiness. Nothing of course. She had completely forgotten about the woman that was outside that window.

“Good morning! I see they have another person staying in their home! I hope everything has been well so far.” A man just walked up out of nowhere.

“Yeah, it was good.” Jenna clutched her coffee cup a little harder.

The man walked up a bit closer to Jenna, “I’m George. I’m the neighbor on your right.” He points over toward his home. “I’m just out for my morning walk. If you need anything while you’re out here don’t hesitate to ask.”

Jenna watched as the man walked away. Interesting people I have talked to for the past few hours.

Jenna went back inside to get ready for the day. When she was getting ready to sit on the living room couch, she got a call from her mother.

“Hi, Mom. Everything okay?” Jenna sat down on the couch to get comfortable.

“Hi, sweetie. Everything is fine. I just wanted to call and make sure you’re okay. I got a call from your therapist yesterday.”

“Oh, yeah. I mean it’s a lot to process. Mostly because I don’t know what could have caused me to get cherophobia. I figured I might try to figure this out while on my small break.”

“And? How is it going?”

“Well, to be honest Mom, not great.”

“Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry to hear that. What’s something you could do to help? Or something I can do to help?”

Jenna went silent to think for a minute. “Mom, is there a woman from my childhood who would just stand and cry?”

It felt like five minutes until Jenna’s mom replied. “Our neighbor. She used to stand outside our living room window and cry. I asked her one day what was wrong and all she said was ‘Your daughter has done something to my husband and I won’t forgive her.’”

Jenna was feeling quite fearful at this point. “Did she ever say what I guess I did to her husband?”

“She never told me. I tried to question her the next time you saw her at the window but she just walked away.”

Jenna didn’t really feel good anymore. “Do you ever remember me being around her husband?”

“I really don’t honey. Why did you ask about this woman?”

Jenna was starting to sweat. “Well, when I first got to this Airbnb and this morning I saw her standing outside the living room window and she was crying. But she didn’t look like she was actually here.”

“I mean that is impossible for her to be there because she passed away a few years ago. I even saw her get rolled out to the ambulance, sadly.”

Jenna was shocked her mom never told her about this. But she was getting even more scared because, at this point, she had no idea if she saw the woman’s ghost or if it was just her imagination.

“Jenna? I think you should come home to try and figure this out with me. It might be better.”

Jenna felt a bit calmer since her mom said that. “That would be nice. I can leave the Airbnb tonight and just make my way home.”

“That sounds good dear. Let me know when you are on your way.”

Jenna and her mom ended the call and Jenna actually felt a bit better just because she knew she was going to be around her parents and she might actually be able to see how she conjured cherophobia.

Jenna had finished packing up everything and she let the host know that she was leaving early. Thankfully the host was kind enough to not give her a cancellation fee. While Jenna was packing up she didn’t see the female outside anymore but she kept feeling as if she was being watched and even kept thinking about how she would have killed this woman’s husband.

As Jenna was standing outside waiting for her Uber, the neighbor earlier, George, was walking past and noticed her.

“Taking off already? Hope everything is okay.”

Jenna looks up from her phone, “Oh, everything was great. I am going to stay with my family for the rest of the weekend. Just to catch up.”

“That should be nice. Hopefully, you will be back. Love meeting new people around here. It gets kind of lonely hah.” George stepped a little closer.

Before George could get any closer, Jenna’s Uber pulled up. Jenna didn’t say anything and just gave George a quick, fake smile and then got in the Uber.

The entire drive to Jenna’s family home was silent and this gave her time to think more about the random woman and her husband. If I can see a picture of this man, maybe I can figure things out.

As soon as Jenna was dropped off, her mother came running out of the house and gave her the tightest hug.

“Mom. You just saw me two weeks ago. It really hasn’t been that long.”

“I know sweetie but you were in a scary area earlier. Come on, let me help you with your things.”

Jenna and her mother went up to Jenna’s old childhood room to drop everything off.

“I have some leftover dinner if you want it hun.”

“Thanks, Mom. I mine as well. I haven’t really eaten since our talk last night.”

Jenna’s mom quickly walked out of the room and then came back with an old photo. “I remembered that you used to hang around her house after school and this was a few days before her husband was killed.”

Jenna took the photo and felt a pit in her stomach. “Mom. This..this is..I..wait.” Jenna started shaking.

“Jenna? What? What is it?”

“Mom, I remember this day. I remember talking to her, and I think her name was Mrs. Joy. We were talking about how proud she was of her husband getting his new job.”

Jenna’s mom took Jenna’s hand and walked them to the living room so they could sit and talk. “What else do you remember?”

Jenna took a minute to really think about it. “I remember coming home and thinking about her husband. I looked up where he worked and then started to think about how to meet him. I don’t know why I wanted to meet him so bad but I did.”

“Can you remember why she would accuse you of killing her husband?”

Jenna then started to breathe a bit heavily. “I had a dream last night of a woman yelling at me. I don’t know where I was or what I had done, but she kept yelling at me to not be happy and to stop smiling.”

Jenna’s mom got up and went to the kitchen. She came back with a glass of water. Jenna knew that her mom was getting invested but she also wanted to make sure she wouldn’t freak Jenna out. “Continue dear.”

“Well, it felt like the woman was really angry with me. It sounded like her voice was normally quiet and that she doesn’t normally yell. I was scared in this dream.”

“Jenna. I need you to just wait here for a second while I grab my phone.”

Jenna was confused about why her mom would just bring this up randomly. What was her mom going to possibly show her?

“I want you to listen closely to this video and tell me if this was what her voice sounded like.”

Jenna scooted closer and leaned into where her mom was holding her phone. ‘Oh, Rachel! Did I tell you about the good news? My husband and I are moving to Louisville. Finally!’

Jenna stood up really quickly after the video finished playing. “Mom, that’s exactly what the woman’s voice sounded like. Who is that?”

“Sweetie, that’s Mrs. Joy. Which means she was the one in your dream as well.”

“But his doesn’t make sense. Why would she be yelling at me in my dream to stop smiling.”

Jenna’s mom set her phone down on the coffee table. “The thing I’m going to tell you next, I want you to just listen.”

Jenna sat back down next to her mom on the couch. “Okay.”

Jenna’s mom took a deep breath. “Mrs. Joy and her husband were going to move to Louisville and hence why you got told about his new job. They were finally relocating to Louisville. A few days before they were supposed to move, they had a fire break out in the house. You were in the house with them. This was going to be the first time you formally met him but the fire broke out too soon and you never did.”

Jenna froze in terror and started to cry. “Mom, I was the one who started that fire. I remember now. I walked into their bedroom after Mrs. Joy let me in. I said ‘hello’ to her husband and then all of a sudden I saw blazes. This is why Mrs. Joy was yelling at me in terror to stop smiling. I guess I was smiling and laughing at this fire in front of me.”

Jenna’s mom hugged her and then looked her in the eyes. “This could be the reason you have cherophobia. Maybe your mind is saying that if you were to be happy, then there may be a horrible reason as to why you are happy.”

Jenna stood up again and walked to the kitchen. “I mean Mom this is really horrible. Why would I set a fire in their home?”

Jenna’s mom walked into the kitchen after her. “I don’t know sweetie.”

“Mom, I think there is something really wrong with me.”