Dating in this Day and Age

I started going on dating apps a few weeks ago. Oh my god, have things changed in just the past couple of years! There are these profiles of men who look like models; they are too good-looking for their own good. One such fellow, who was from Poland, started singing my praises over text without knowing me for more than fifteen minutes.

He was absurdly eloquent and articulate, and then he asked me if I could use WhatsApp instead of texting on the phone. That was a red flag; I started to suspect that he didn’t live in the US, and he wanted to use WhatsApp because it’s free internationally. I refused to go on WhatsApp and asked him if he was a scammer. I never heard from him again.

Then there was the German gentleman. Again, I think these dudes are using ChatGPT to write their texts. Wow, did he have command over the English language for someone who was allegedly speaking English as a second language. This guy really got to me. For an entire day, we texted back and forth, and his words were like poetry. I mean, seriously, he was good.

He would randomly tell me he could help me understand Bitcoin, and he said I could make a lot of money doing this. I ignored him, and when I finally said in no uncertain terms that I would never do a thing like cryptocurrency, he disappeared, and I never heard from him again.

I’m an idiot, I’m aware of that. But honestly, I’m a relatively intelligent human being, and I was sort of duped.

Then I started talking to a guy who had two PhDs. I was impressed with that. Because again, I like intelligence. Ok, this man texted me at 6 o'clock in the morning. I happened to be awake and texted him back, saying, Wow, it’s early! He asked me if I could send him a picture of me drinking coffee. I was like, no, I’m not in the mood. He literally called me at 6:30 a.m. I picked up the phone, thinking to myself, this is different. He said he called to make sure I was a real person.

So we actually talked for a couple of hours that first morning. He was interesting and witty and very intelligent. So we continued to text for the rest of the day, and he started sending me texts that were honestly hilarious. He was very funny and I laughed out loud very often when I read his messages. A woman in England once told him he was a charming womanizer.

Well, that turned out to be true. We were texting late one night, and I asked him if he had ever been in love. He had had a slew of girlfriends and was engaged once. He asked me what I meant by being in love. I had trouble understanding how he didn’t understand what I was talking about.

I said something like being in love is when you have this intoxicating, euphoric feeling in your heart for someone, and you realize you care about them. He said no, he had never been in love. I was thinking to myself, this man is 44 years old, he’s slept with 16 women, many of whom were his girlfriends, and almost got married, but he was never in love?

I told him, I’m a romantic, I’m looking for love. He told me this conversation was making him weary. I told him it was late, I was tired, and goodnight. He didn’t say goodnight back. We had planned on finally meeting the next day, but I texted him in the morning, apologizing for being so abrupt the night before. I never heard from him again.

I think I dodged a bullet there. I don’t think he was capable of love. I’m a very loving person; I need love.

So then I’m randomly chatting with another dude and he says, You are an English Professor, can you help me write my dating bio? I was like, sure. He literally wrote: Okay, here ya go: Kind, Educated, Respectful, Considerate, Gentleman, Dashing. Well-mannered, Handsome, Large cock, Honorable. This was our fourth or fifth message on the dating app. I was thinking to myself, dude, what are you really looking for on here?

Then came two men who were again too good-looking for their own good. Usually, these scammers will ask for your phone number really quickly. One of the guys told me he hated how all anyone wanted on the app was sex or money. He told me he was quitting the app. I took another look at his profile on the app, and all of a sudden, his profile had a picture of a black guy on it. I asked him what was going on. Never heard from him again.

Finally, the second dude texts me at one a.m. I ignored it. He texted me again in the morning with broken English and kept calling me beautiful in every message. He told me he was from the Czech Republic. He called me dear, and I lost it. Even if he was a real person, I didn’t want anything to do with his cheesy ass.

I really should report the scammers, apparently, there is a way to do that on the apps.

I am finally speaking to a guy whom I have actually met in person. We went on a date, and it was very nice, and that’s all I’m going to say about that. But there’s a lot of shit to sift through on these apps, but every now and then, you can find a gem.