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Whenever you are in any social gathering or a group, whether a dinner, a wedding, or a school reunion, you would have observed a person who is the centre of everyone. He or she is either taking care of the entire group in such a way that they seem neglected themselves. They would know the order of other group members like the palm of their hands, but wouldn’t know what they would like to have. Their empathy and hyper-awareness always caught your attention, and on the other hand, you wondered how the person in front of you, who knows others so perfectly, could struggle with their own choices.

Such people tend to be emotionally intelligent. Their instinct is to become the over-doer, or rather the fixer, and they tend to stitch the unhampered parts of society. During that struggle, they forget themselves and their own choices.

But who are the emotionally intelligent people, and why does it seem like such a big deal to be one?

In ancient Greece, logic seemed to have more power than feelings. There was a saying that people could agree on rational arguments, but they rarely agreed with feelings. In the 18th century, the concept started to change, and the sentiment of “follow your heart” became more popular, which represented that feelings and instincts have more power than reason.

The interest in the study of emotional intelligence started at the end of the 1990s, and the subject became popular. Many researchers defined it as an ability to rationalise emotions; others related it to achievement, flexibility, happiness, and self-respect.

Emotional intelligence is often compared with IQ, which puts logic and reasoning first regarding different types of information and concepts. It was a common notion that high-IQ people would be good performers. However, research showed opposite results. It is estimated that our success at the workplace or in our life depends 80 percent on emotional intelligence and only 20 percent on intellect (Mayer et al., 2000). EQ allows us to be more creative in problem-solving and analytical abilities.

An emotionally intelligent person tends to have the following traits:

A. They can perceive emotions precisely.

B. They can reason with the emotions precisely

C. They can understand the emotions precisely

D. They can manage the emotions precisely

They are self-aware, empathetic, and have built-in self-regulation, motivation, social skills, expressiveness, and perceptiveness of their emotions. These unique abilities stand them out in a crowd.

Imagine a person laughing in front of you. You tend to think that person is happy. There is no guarantee of happiness. Emotionally intelligent people are wired to act according to the mood and environment of the room. They are so used to picking up the emotions of others that they often forget how to be happy themselves. They would know what others prefer, or others’ fashion or tastes. Awkwardness will fill the room if someone asks about their own preferences. Their empathetic nature makes them love others, but they often forget how to love themselves. That is the reason most emotionally intelligent people attract emotionally unavailable people in relationships.

They feel emotions deeply, even their own. Every person tends to make mistakes. However, an emotionally intelligent person takes that and feels it deeply at heart. They often forgive others and often don’t judge them. But whenever it comes to themselves, they get cruel and often reprimand themselves too deeply to love.

Empathy is the door to self-judgment. They are often so empathetic that they get so deeply absorbed that they see themselves through people’s critical eyes. Their own self-image shatters in that process completely.

They carry others’ emotions just like their own. Most of the time, when we tell a friend our sob story, tears also shine in their eyes. That is the sign of emotional intelligence. They carry the pain of others as a responsibility. Over time, it turns into something else, like I’m not doing enough, and it hits self-worth hard.

Self-awareness becomes self-criticism. They tend to offer compassion to others. Their empathy and ability to understand someone else often get blurred with self-criticism toward themselves. Whenever they think they should have an easy way out, they get absorbed in self-criticism, which hurts their ability to love themselves.

Their hero feeling runs so high that they forget they need to help themselves first. They are so used to putting others first that it has attuned them entirely toward others, and they forget that they need themselves too.

The ability to love themselves seems harsh for them, but there is only one quick fix for such people.

They should turn the abilities of their emotional intelligence inward. The hand they extend to others without thinking should start working for themselves first.

Notice the double standard in real time. When you catch yourself being harsh, ask: “Would I say this to someone I love?” If the answer is no, that is the signal. You don’t need to force positivity. You just have to pause the attack.

Separate awareness from judgment. Noticing a flaw is neutral information. The suffering comes from what you add after the observation — the verdict, the shame, the “therefore I’m not enough.” Practice stopping at the observation.

Let people witness you, not just receive you. Emotionally intelligent people are often skilled listeners and poor receivers. Practice being known, sharing something unfinished, vulnerable, or unflattering, and letting someone stay. That experience rewires the belief that love is conditional on performance.

Grieve the “strong one” identity. If you’ve spent years being emotionally reliable for others, there’s grief in admitting you needed care too and didn’t get it. That grief is real, and it’s worth feeling — not performing strength through it.

Build a self-compassion reflex, not just moments. Self-compassion isn’t a feeling you wait for. It’s a practice — a deliberate response to your own pain that sounds like: “This is hard. I’m human. I’m allowed to struggle.” Done consistently, it becomes automatic.

The irony is real: the very skill set that makes someone attuned to others can leave them emotionally bankrupt toward themselves. Self-compassion, which is treating yourself with the same warmth you’d offer a struggling friend, is usually the missing piece. The deepest shift is this: emotional intelligence was supposed to include you all along. You were never meant to be the only person in the room; you didn’t extend grace to.