I noticed some inconsistencies and things to improve. It also suggests that it's partly a queer romance, so the usage of pronouns should be noted of.

This sample has a significant amount of issues on the developmental side. Not only does it have a problem with its narrative, it also has a hole in its story.

This manuscript is almost perfect but without grammar mistakes and need for improvements. I improved the manuscript and even commented my reasoning behind them.

I tried to humanize the characters even more by improving their dialogue. I also proposed edits to emphasize the characteristics of these fictional characters.