Dripping in swag, loved by all and looked up to but is it true is that how it really is. They all see me
from a distance with the reflection of their faces ripple and glisten across my bright warm red
sunglasses that I wear to mask my truth.
Maybe you called it a cover up or maybe its just my heart fighting my head and I choose logic so my
head I mean who would live their life on a whim with a vulnerable open heart and all chance of
failure or being unliked or judged. Rather brush it off I tell myself as a walk through a busy street
park bustling with my friends, noise struggling to drown my thoughts. First it was a whisper "no one
likes you". "everyone knows", "stop faking" but then getting louder it started to shout vibrating my
ear drums and tickling the back of my throat but like I always do I kept walking, gave a slight smile or
wave to those that recognized me. "Can they see my blue?" I wondered and pondered about all day
everyday till I reached myself staring back at me in my bathroom mirror. I did this every night I
would stare at myself for hours losing the meaning of time. Comparing the multiple different pairs of
glasses I would wear to distract from my truth. I'm blue. My anxiety. My personality disorder. My
depression. My trauma. That or those is what melts away any chance of telling the truth or tipping
the bottle of my desperate need to tell someone and let it go. "Why did they leave me. WHY!'
I reached the end of my street that night after my routinely walk to find a sweet boy facing me and
he was a copy and paste of me, "Is this what people see?" my thoughts thundered but in the softest
voice he asked me "Are you an orphan to?", "You're blue like me but you have cool sunglasses he
added." That's when I realized that although all my friends were yellow and didn't struggle with
what I struggled with, they probably knew what I was and who I was and regardless in that moment
all my own truth stood in front of this boy and I was blue despite my undying fear of being judged or
the failure I thought I was. I was blue but cool I told the boy as he ran off into the stars that rained
from the sky into the eye level darkness.
Next day wasn't as bright as usual and I had a swarm of butterflies in my stomach. This was my
leading moment I would face all the other colours to bare my heart out and after all my fame and
glory I had two possible outcomes. They already know and nothing changes how they feel about me
in their club or they don't and what I was most afraid of was going to happen and I would relive my
abandonment and hide from my fate already set, once again. "The truth will set me free." I sprouted
not believing the utter rubbish I was telling myself but at this point I had nothing to lose. "Maybe
blues can only see blues." I was crossing my fingers and chewing any skin around my nails I could
possibly find as I dwelled in my seat waiting on the arrival of those I praised and once thought
praised me. "You're getting in you head. JUST STOP!"
Thoughts silenced by the voice of Adam, "Dave, I'm here, what's up?" Adam is my best friend and of
course he is a green which is the smartest colour but he just acted like he thought I was a yellow
which is the happy colour far from the reality of my being a sad or unlovable colour.
The meeting began and a fumbled 0X thoughts, true sadness and abandonment onto my friends
who I adored by heart and soul. Waiting on their response felt like I was waiting for the
announcement that pigs can officially fly but it eventually came...