Prettyhttps://www.ericasdigitalpaper.wordpress.com much all my life, I have been a size small. It wasn’t until mid-way through my freshman year of college that my clothes started to fit tighter. I had heard of freshman 15 before but didn’t know the impacts that it would have on my life then and now. I thought that this wouldn’t have been a bad thing necessarily. Because when everyone talked about it, it seemed that the weight gain was a result of having lots of fun with new friends, eating out at new restaurants, trying new things, and going out more.
What I felt was different for me is that my weight gain wasn’t a result of happy times. It was the result of feeling bad for myself. I didn’t like the situation that I was in, and so I mindlessly ate to cover the hurt. This worked for a while, until I noticed a physical and mental shift. I gradually began to wake up each day and hate to look myself in the mirror. I no longer saw the energetic, passionate girl that I had always been. So, over quarantine, I decided that something was going to change.
I began doing workout videos titled “Get abs in 2 weeks”, trying ridiculously sad “diets” that included shying away from fruit because it has sugars, and endlessly watched “what I eat in a days” from girls that don’t even have the same body type as me. These unrealistic notions that I began to follow exemplify the sad world that we live in today: a society that focuses on clothing sizes, buying things that aren’t our size so we can work for that piece of clothing to fit, skipping meals so we consume less calories (and less nutrients for that matter), comparing ourselves to those around us and on the internet…the list can go on. For me, it has been an interesting journey to be able to look at where I started—a girl that knew absolutely nothing about nutrition to a girl that followed the ideals of everyone around her instead of her own to a girl who knows a whole lot more about what she puts in her body.
When I began to develop a consistent workout routine based on strength, and not weight loss, I began to see results. I started to believe in myself more and felt more accomplished than ever. Over the course of about a year, I lost 20 pounds. This freaked almost everyone out—but in different ways. My family was concerned, and my friends were supportive. Everywhere I went, I began to think about how strangers would view me. It was crazy to wrap my head around the idea that I was smaller than I ever was in the past 10 years of my life. As you can notice from the past two sentences, I cared about what everyone thought about me, except me.
Over time, this instilled an inner voice that was always contradicted with itself. Do I need to gain back a little weight like my family says, or do I work my best to maintain the body I have now? I decided to see a nutritionist after having enough. Long story short, this was not the best decision for me. What this one meeting with a nutritionist taught me, is that I should have trusted myself all along. My brain fell into a spiral and I didn’t know what to do. I began to let myself have more food freedom which was my ultimate goal after all the healthy eating I had been doing. As one would expect, you gain back some weight when you’ve cut out a part of your everyday diet. For me, this was real sugar. I had put a big emphasis on trying to eat more “sugar free” foods, which ultimately created some stomach issues for me. These sugarless alcohols are not the answer for everyone, so I knew I needed to change something.
When I would look in the mirror, I could tell that my face was starting to get fuller. This absolutely freaked me out. My thoughts automatically jumped to the idea that all my progress and strength that I had gained was going down the drain. Which is just not true. Over the course of about six months, I slowly gained back the weight that I had lost. With this being said, there was a much bigger emphasis on a balanced diet. I would eat chocolate for dessert, oatmeal to regulate my blood sugar in the morning, protein smoothies to have a sweeter yet filling lunch, and veggie filled dinners with salmon and rice. As time has gone on, I’ve released the ”food rules” that I subconsciously and consciously created. Some of these include only being able to eat something sweet after dinner, having at least one low carb meal throughout the day, not being able to sweeten my coffee every day, having to have a meat or fish based protein source at every meal, the list can go on.
Studying abroad has taught me that it’s okay to live life. It doesn’t matter if your clothes are the same size as you were before you left, and it doesn’t matter if your clothes are a size bigger. Our bodies will always fluctuate, no matter the circumstances. I hope that more people begin to understand that labels do not matter. This goes for clothing labels, labels that others put on you regarding your weight, intelligence, race, gender, etc. As I continue to shop all throughout Europe, I remind myself (and my 8-year-old fashion loving self) that it’s okay to grab an XS, S, and M shirt or dress to try on. A number or letter doesn’t define anyone.
I am happy that I am currently surrounded by a supportive group of friends here in Florence (and at home) that have known me at my smallest, largest, and in between. What has comforted me the most through this difficult process is that most of them have all told me the same things. That I am kind, genuine, friendly, etc. It was never about the size of my clothes or my weight. I have always been the same person inside and will continue to shine light on the heart that I know I have: one that is so excited and passionate about living life. I hope to live my life without fear of regret and doubt. Life is meant for mistakes, so let me make them! I hope you will do the same too.
June 23, 2022
