High-Conflict Divorce Guidance Book

A contentious, stressful divorce can take its toll on your and your child/children's health and well-being. Depending on how things unfold, you may be facing emotionally charged situations for months, if not longer. This can greatly impact your family, so how you cope with the process and who you ally yourself with will be of monumental importance.

As you'll learn from this chapter, your divorce lawyer's qualities and your understanding of the divorce proceedings will play a crucial role in success. Reading it, you'll also see tips for countering defamation and libel, getting an order of protection, and, most importantly, maintaining your emotional balance.

Your divorce lawyer will be your ally for a long period, so it's important to find the right professional. According to a study highlighting the qualities clients usually choose their divorce lawyers by, the right lawyer selection can impact clients' satisfaction with the case resolution (Maccoby & Mnookin, 1994). Below are the qualities you should look for in a lawyer who will handle your high-conflict divorce.

Experience and Competence

Naturally, you'll need a lawyer with experience handling contentious divorce proceedings. Seek out professionals who handle cases similar to yours. For example, they should be knowledgeable about custody and co-parenting resolutions in high-conflict cases, handling cases with substantial debts and assets, etc. They should also be able to litigate your case in case it goes to trial (which is possible in cases where toxic personalities are involved).

Good Communication Skills

Your divorce lawyer should be a top-notch communicator to maintain dialogue with all parties involved in your case. They should be able to communicate with you (and be open to all your inquiries and explain legal terminology) and set reasonable expectations for your case. A good high-conflict divorce lawyer knows how to let their client know what's possible to achieve during the case and what's not.

Composed and in Control

High-conflict cases, where narcissistic personalities are involved, can put pressure even on lawyers. However, your attorney should remain composed even when your spouse doesn't cooperate or acts aggressively during the process. Keeping a level head is a highly desired quality in a lawyer because it allows them to control the case instead of letting the other side control it.

Available When Needed

Ideally, your divorce lawyer should be available and respond to your questions within a reasonable time. You may want to negotiate a predetermined time frame within which they must return your calls and messages. They likely won't be able to get back to you immediately, but they shouldn't put you off for too long, either.

Resourcefulness

Look for a divorce lawyer who has the resources to handle the case. This includes everything they might do to prevent your spouse's legal team from delaying the case, casting doubts, or planting prejudice for handling the case.

Understanding Narcissism Traits and Behavior

You and your lawyer will go against a person who isn't only abusive but also lacks the moral and ethical components needed for perspective-taking and compromise. Your attorney should be familiar with your ex's behavior so they can understand it and know what to expect as the case unfolds.

Ability to Negotiate and Strategize

With a better understanding of narcissistic behavior and thought processes, your lawyer will be able to negotiate in contentious matters. They should be able to persuade your ex into settling critical issues — or if your ex is completely unwilling to compromise, devise a contingency strategy for settlement without your ex's cooperation.

Assertiveness

Your ex will likely exhibit behaviors like criticism and bullying, not only against you but also against your lawyer. An experienced attorney will be able to counter these behaviors assertively and stand firm before the opponent.

Genuinity and Empathy

Lawyers experienced with high-conflict divorce cases understand the gravity of the situation and care about resolving the issue in the best possible way for their clients. Your attorney should treat you with respect and empathy and help you avoid unnecessary stress.

When I filed for divorce from my toxic ex, I didn't have much of a support system. What I did have was a resolve to learn and understand everything I needed to separate from an abusive partner. I started by researching the best divorce lawyers I could find until I encountered one that regularly handled cases against narcissistic spouses. They provided me with resources for learning about the divorce procedure and self-care. They understood my needs and helped me regain my independence and start my healing journey. — Veronica

Divorce proceedings have distinct stages, and understanding these can help you prepare for them. Why is this crucial? Each stage of the divorce process has its own set of variables that affect your outcome (Baum, 2003).

Stage 1: Filing the Petition

This stage is pretty straightforward. You (preferably accompanied by your lawyer) file the position in the family court. You'll need to pay court fees and show evidence of payment.

Stage 2: Summons

The court sends a summons notice to your spouse to notify them that you've initiated the divorce proceedings. This usually takes a few days after you file for divorce. Your spouse will also be given a specific date by which they have to appear in court and respond to the case.

Stage 3: Response

If your spouse is present on the date given to them, they'll have a chance to respond and present their case against you. In a high-conflict case, this will be the most likely scenario. If your spouse isn't present, the court ends the divorce procedure.

Stage 4: Settlement/Trial

In divorces without contention, where both parties are amenable to compromise, the legal representatives of the two parties work out a mutually agreeable settlement. In high-conflict cases, where settlement is not an option, the case proceeds to a court trial.

If your case goes to trial, the court will hear your case and your spouse's, examine the evidence, and cross-examine any witness the parties may have. At this stage, both spouses can also file a petition for a temporary child custody arrangement and spousal maintenance. This is usually done after the main hearing about the divorce case and during the preparation for the continuation of divorce proceedings. Any maintenance or custody order made by the court at this stage remains in power until the divorce is finalized.

Stage 5: Final Arguments

At this stage, you and your spouse's lawyers make their final arguments based on the evidence and witness testimonies they presented to support their case.

Stage 6: The Final Order

After hearing all the evidence and testimonies, the court makes its final order. Either spouse can challenge this order (made at a family court) by bringing their case to a higher court.

Narcissists use defamatory remarks as a tool to gain power over their victims. If your spouse spreads false information about you during the divorce without evidence to back up their claim, knowing you can take legal steps against them is crucial. This is true even if they aren't making the claims in a legal setting, but to family or people you know.

“Someone who suffers harm – financial or otherwise – as a result of defamatory speech can sue the person who defamed them and seek compensatory and punitive damages.” — Kimberley Keyes, Family Law Attorney.

There are two types of defamation you can fight against — slander (oral statements) and libel (written or otherwise recorded remarks). The latter encompasses social media posts, text messages, emails, videos, and legal documents.

Defamation can complicate divorce proceedings because it makes negotiations harder. Your spouse can use defamatory statements as leverage when negotiating, creating fear, and potentially pushing you to accept undesirable terms to protect yourself.

An even greater consequence of defamation is when it affects child custody arrangements. For example, your spouse may make false accusations of abuse against you to make the court doubt your parenting abilities. As a result, you may be unfairly stripped of your parental rights.

Fortunately, you and your lawyer have a powerful legal recourse to protect yourself.

Determining The Legal Strategy

You'll need to sit down with your legal representative and work out a strategy to address and counter the defamation. You may need to sue your ex so they can be held accountable for their statements. Or, depending on your case, your lawyer can suggest using legal channels to hinder the further spread of defamatory information. For example, they can request through the court system that your spouse take down social media posts, stop sending messages, retract their statements, etc.

Pursuing Damages

If you suffer any harm due to your spouse's defamatory statements, you'll be able to pursue damages, including financial compensation for emotional distress, loss of income, and reputation loss.

Seeking Corrections and Retractions

Your legal representative can help you obtain corrections and retractions of defamatory statements. They can also help you distribute these through the appropriate channels (depending on where the harm was caused). This can help you mitigate damages caused by your spouse's claim.

In highly contentious cases, obtaining a restraining order or order of protection against your spouse may be necessary. This might be the case if your spouse continues their toxic behavior, harassing you and causing emotional distress, or threatening to cause you or your child/children physical harm.

A court-issued protection order (requiring your spouse to stay away from you) can be obtained if you can prove that your spouse committed the above. You can get a protection order for yourself and the children in your custody.

Likewise, a restraining order is a court-ordered mandate that limits the actions the other party can take against you. It can be a partial order, where you and your spouse communicate only through previously established channels. Or, it can be a full restraining order, which means your spouse can't contact you through any channels. A restraining order can be obtained after proving harassment or otherwise threatening behavior from your spouse.

How do you file an order of protection or restraining order? Go to the courthouse in your jurisdiction (if you are outside your normal jurisdiction, you can file at any courthouse — it will be referred to your local court). When you file for an order, you must show proof of your residence, an ID, your spouse's name and social security number, your children's names, dates of birth, and social security numbers. The process takes 1-2 hours but is entirely free.

When I announced to my husband that I was filing for divorce, he became very enraged. While I have already experienced verbal abuse, guilt-tripping, and much more during your marriage, I wasn't prepared for the level of harassment that ensued during our separation. And it wasn't just about making the divorce proceeding harder, either. The threats and allegations he made got to the point that I became afraid for my own life and the lives of our children who were living with me. My attorney advised me to seek an order of protection, and I did. My ex didn't respect this, and he suffered the consequences. While this helped my case in divorce, the process still took almost 2 years before I was finally free. — Maria

Divorce (especially a contentious one involving a toxic relationship and children) can create a highly stressful environment, which is harmful for everyone. Maintaining your emotional balance can be challenging, but it's crucial in a legal battle like this. According to a study measuring how stress affects parents and children with behavior problems, stress-reducing exercises like mindfulness are highly beneficial in stressful situations (Neece, 2013). The study showed that mindfulness helped parents reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety and improve their life satisfaction. Likewise, children whose parents practiced mindfulness had fewer behavior issues, with many of them showing improvement in focus and ADHD-related symptoms.

Here are a few tips for stress management and better emotional balance during divorce.

Remain Organized

Don't wait until paperwork starts to pile up because when it does, it will be more stressful to deal with. Keep documentation related to your case organized in a dedicated binder or folder. It will help you remain up to date with and find any information you need or have questions about.

Take a Break

Stepping away from a stressful situation can help rebalance your emotions. Trying to stay focused on your case may sound like a good idea to ensure a good outcome, but it will only get you more stuck in that world of hurt you're trying to get out of. So, take regular breaks, spend time with your child/children, take walks, talk to your loved ones, etc., to give yourself a mental and emotional break.

Practice Mindfulness

Besides stepping away from the situation, you can also improve your emotional balance by actively focusing on reducing the symptoms of stress and worries. Mindfulness, the practice of relaxing the mind and channeling it toward self-reflection and positive intentions, is a wonderful stress-reduction tool.

Here are some ways to practice mindfulness:

Doing deep breathing exercises

Meditation or yoga

Mindful walking

Mindful coloring

Mindful chores like washing dishes

Prioritize Self-Care

Beyond mindfulness, other self-care practices can also bring down your stress level and provide emotional stability for you and your child/children. The benefits of self-care lie in the small actions you take to make yourself feel better. Do something you enjoy every day, even if just for 10-15 minutes.

Seek Support

You may find it beneficial to join a support group where you can share experiences with people in a similar situation. You can get advice and a fresh perspective on the situation — not to mention understanding from those who know what you're going through.

Focus on Positivity

While remaining positive can be challenging in this situation, it could have a worthwhile impact on your healing journey. When you feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, remind yourself that you've already overcome one of your biggest challenges — making the decision to start a better life. Positive affirmations that ensure that you're strong, capable, and will persist in the face of adversity are also wonderful for chasing away the negativity threatening your emotional balance.

Set Boundaries

As stressful as your divorce may be, other highly charged stimuli can further exacerbate your symptoms and lower your sense of well-being. Set boundaries to keep news, conversations, people, situations, and everything else that may cause your anxiety beyond the divorce and co-parenting process at bay. You may not be able to control every aspect of the situation, but you can control the amount of stressful stimuli you're subjecting yourself to.

Key Takeaways

To navigate the changes of the divorce against a toxic ex, you'll need an experienced lawyer who handles your case with empathy, assertiveness, and an understanding of narcissism and its impacts.

From filing to receiving the final order, divorce proceedings are linear yet often a variable process.

Narcissistic spouses often resort to defamation, which can be damaging to your reputation and emotional state — fortunately, there are legal resources you can take against it.

If your ex harasses you or otherwise causes you emotional anguish, you may be able to get a restraining order or order of protection against them.

Divorces can be stressful, so make sure to take time for self-care and other steps to reduce stress and maintain emotional stability.

Maintaining your cool in high-conflict divorce proceedings can be challenging, but not impossible. Seeking professional help is not only not a sign of weakness, but it's also the most decisive step you can take to further your case.