Sometimes there’s a war inside my head, wanting to fit into society as a whole, or being able to be myself. No matter how much I try, I can’t find an even ground. The voices that want to encrypt me to follow the same old basic code haunt me. I do not know if it is me, or if everyone else feels this burning inside them. As much as one may want to say they haven’t been a part of the encoding of this formula, it was not designed by one person or a single group of people, but instead all of them. Every television show meant for kids will tell them to be themselves,and that they are perfect in their own skin. Then they turn around and criticize another character because they do not follow the same paths.
When I was younger, I always had to be the odd ball. I never fitted in with everyone else. My friends' parents would tell their daughters not to hang out with me, using the excuse that they were busy, or having the child say it straight to my face. Or maybe it was as simple as going to recess, but finding it dreadfully boring since I didn't feel welcomed. I tried to play with one group of friends, some animal capturer game, and was forced to be the bad guy. Even in the class, when I'm scared to speak up, or say the answer because if I am wrong everyone will laugh. Or it was that I did not want my presence to be focussed upon for more than it has to be. At home, it is almost as if I was unwanted. Critiqued for every outfit that I wore, and told that I was, “ too much of an embarrassment.” to be allowed to go anywhere. I hated it, and began to hate myself. I remember wondering before I slept every night, “What’s wrong with me? “
The question was never clearly answered, but now I understand it all. People don’t like change, or something that is different. There were multiple points of my life where I tried to conform myself for the liking of other people and it always failed me. The side that I tried to hide always showed through, even when I didn’t want it the most. Now I realize no one is ever perfect. Whether perfect or not, everyone has their good qualities and their bad, and should be able to express them freely. Sometimes some norms are meant to be broken to accomplish truth.
After spending so many years trying to change myself to society, I quit. I realized that I do not need to fit in. I dyed my hair, made my own style, and let my personality rise through me. wanting to fit in hits here and there, but now that I am myself I can see the people who actually are there and enjoy my personality, and I am more confident in my own skin. I no longer look into the mirror and think, ‘ Is this actually me?’. If someone has a problem with it, good for them. I will turn a cold shoulder and continue to walk my way. I do not need someone like me for something that is not me, a lesson too valuable to forget.