Contemporary romance snippet

Just when Alex was about to grab the door handle of my apartment to leave, he stops. He looks at me a little confused, question marks written all over his face. His eyes peer down and there was in fact my hand clutching to the back of his shirt. I feel embarrassed, not because I did that, but because I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

Alex chuckles after a second of silence.

“What is it? You are going to stretch my shirt.” He teases with his obnoxious usual side smile and he turns to look at me.

He doesn’t need to say anymore for me to just let go. I feel my fingers twitch, almost as if they wanted to keep holding onto him. I make a fist to make that feeling stop, but it doesn’t.  

“Are you leaving already?” I ask when I find my voice again and I hate it. My tone being shaky and unsure, it’s just something I’m not use to.

“Yeah, it’s getting late.”

“We’ve been drinking, you shouldn’t drive.” I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind. At this point, I would say anything just to make him stay a little longer.

He stares at me with a funny expression on his face, like he wanted to make fun of me but he was a little too confused to do so.

“I walked here. I always do.” He points out with an obvious tone while looking at me suspiciously up and down. His eyes settle on my face, analyzing me; while his mouth is in a flat line trying to hold a laugh. “Are you really that drunk?”

“Maybe.” I shrug looking away. I think of the shakiness in my knees, the heat on my face and the dizzy feeling that is banging on my chest. If I’m not drunk, for sure it feels really close to it.  

“Drink some water and go to bed, you lightweight. I’ll do the same.”

Alex reaches out, puts his hand on the top of my head and ruffles my already messy hair. I look at him for a second and I see his wide smile. I notice how his eyes squint a little and how they crinkle at the corners, like they always do when he gives an honest and earnest smile, instead of his usual snarky smirks or fake grins. A swelling feeling starts in my chest and my breathing lose its regular pace. My yearning and desperation start to feel bigger and more important than my pride and the warnings in my head.

“Don’t go.” I mutter softly.

There was no coming back from this now.

He stares at me with a puzzled look and his hand drops from my head. He blinks a couple of times and then his mouth opens and closes, like he can’t find the words. I can see a pink shade coloring his face. I want to be able to be in his mind just for a second, hear his thoughts and listen to his confusion being put into words. I feel a strange greediness creeping inside of me and it scares me how I want so much of him.

After a couple of seconds, he shakes his head a little, his fingers going to scratch his own neck while he shifts his weight from one leg to the other.

“Do you want to keep drinking? You really are going after that massive hungover tomorrow.” He laughs and I recognize that sound in his voice, I notice how it is a little higher and maybe even shaky. He is nervous. For some reason, I feel pleased, like I’m not the only one affected in this exact moment.

“No, I don’t want that.” I answer truthful. I feel bold, like I’ve already started something that I can’t back down from. I opened the Pandora box; I can’t stop it anymore.  “I want you to stay tonight.”

Everything slows for a moment, except for the sound of our breathing. I don’t fail to notice how his started to match mine. His eyes also change, in a way that makes me shiver. My cheeks are not the only thing burning anymore, my whole body feels strange now. I don’t dare to say anything just because I’m scared that this heavy static in the air will crumble under any mistake.  I feel a magnetic pull that makes the distance between us excruciating, which causes me to slowly take one step forward.

And that’s all it takes to shatter his trance. Alex breaks eye contact with me and he also takes a step back. He shakes his head a couple of times and lets out a heavy exhale. He puts both hands up, shielding himself, as if I’m a beast and I’m about to devour him alive.

“We… can’t.” He whispers with a heavy sigh between words.

His eyes lay again on me for a little too long and that is enough for me. Because even if it’s just for a second I can see something that thrills me, something that gives me hope. It is fleeting and as fast as it comes it goes with the shake of his head.

“We can’t.” He speaks again, this time steadier.

I take another step forward and this time he doesn’t back down.

Good, because I won’t either.

“But, do you want to?” I ask without breaking eye contact. I don’t want him to see any doubt or shame in me.

He sighs again, this time exasperated.

“Why are you doing this? Out of nowhere.” He questions me.

I don’t answer, because to me it doesn’t feel out of nowhere. This is something that has been building up inside me for so long, something that I can’t exactly put into words.

“Whatever you have in mind, stop it right now, ok?” He tries again. I can see how he is getting even more nervous and how his eyes start to shift from my eyes to my lips. My heart flutters a little bit. “We just… shouldn’t.”

Even though he doesn’t explain further, I perfectly know what he means. Anyone can see how this is an awful idea. It is unfathomable to put in danger a friendship like ours, for something so unreliable like feelings and attraction. I always knew that, that’s why I tried to fight it for so long. I lied to myself and pretended that what I was feeling was nothing but some fleeting confusion, but it isn’t. Every reasonable thought in my head is screaming at me right now that I’m doing the wrong thing but I just can’t be bothered anymore. Not when I feel this little spark of hope in my chest ignited by Alex. I tasted the sensation of his eyes burning my skin and I’m not about to give it up.

“You say we can’t, we shouldn’t. But you are not answering my question. Do you want to or not?” I pressure him further.

His mouth gapes for a second, like he can’t believe what I had just said and then scuffs.

“You are always like this, acting selfishly without thinking things through and not even caring about what other people think. You are so exasperating.” He complains as he pinches his nose with this index finger and his thumb. “It’s not even funny anymore.”

Normally, this is when an argument would start. He critiques me then I critique him back, we pretend to be mad and then we just laugh it off. This time, I just smirk instead of falling for his attempt of deflection. I can see through him; I know him that well.

“You are right. I am selfish.” I agree with him and I shrug. I put both of my hands in my pockets and I casually give another big step towards him. I catch his eyes staying on my lips when I speak. “I’m also honest.”

I close our distance even more by taking one more step. We are so close now that our noses are just a few inches apart.

“So, what is it going to be, Alex? It’s your choice now.” I whisper slowly as I inch my face closer to his. He slowly lowers his face and looks directly into my eyes and I can see it all. His dilated pupils are clouded in a haziness I can describe only as need and wanting. I know I’m just the same if not worse, because we are so close I can even feel his shaky breath against my face. “You just have to be honest too.”

The distance between us gets so small to the point we are sharing the same air and the sound of his shaky breathing is something addicting. I can almost feel the heat of his lips on mine and It’s an unbearable feeling. It’s so intoxicated, I start to feel dizzy, like I’m losing control. I need to back away to regain a little stability, but I only manage to distance myself a little, before I feel two strong hands gently holding my face, pulling me back in. My heart starts beating so much harder in my chest, it’s almost deafening. I’m surprised and my hands go to grab his wrists; I don’t do it to stop him but to confirm his touch is real. This time we are so close our lips start to actually graze each other and I just stop breathing.

“Of course I want you. Of course I fucking do.” He whispers heavily out of breath, almost grunting his words. The desperation and haziness in his voice starts a fire inside me.

My hands move from his wrists to the back of his neck and I pull him towards me, desperately. We close the distance between us, I kiss him like I need him in order to breath and he does the same to me. I hear a little groan muffled by my mouth and I feel every single bone in my body shake. The kiss is rough; we don’t care about being gentle. I just want to engrave the feeling of my lips on his forever, bruise them so my touch stays in him longer than just tonight.