What Working With me Looks Like
Kai Ellis
This is a small story that I edited to show what working with me might look like. I’m open to any suggestions or changes in the process, but I thought it’d be beneficial to show what I’m used to (and what you can expect if you hire me).
First off, I receive the original text. For example I used a fanfic from wattpad by PepperPizzas (His Precious Soulmate).
I woke up with a bright light right over me making me open and close my eyes repeatedly times to get used to it. I groan in annoyance because of the light.
I feel like trash, my throat is dry as hell and my head hurts so much. I look around the room I am in, confused about everything around me I start to look at myself. I look pale, I have needles attached to my arm and a machine next to me registering my pulse... the sound is not helping my headache.
The door opens, I look up finding a surprised nurse looking at me with wide eyes. After a couple of seconds, she smiles widely and gets out of the room leaving me alone again.
A doctor opens the door followed by the same nurse and another one, all of them have wide smiles, making me smile slightly too. The first nurse hands me a glass of water; after I'm done with it she takes it away.
"How are you feeling?" The unknown doctor asks.
"My head hurts bad."
"Oh okay, Serena would you please get a pain-killer." Nurse number two nods her head and gets out of the room.
"Do you remember anything?" The doctor asks again while examining me.
I start to think... the first memory I have is waking up here...
"No..." I say trying to think harder even though my head hurts even more when I do it.
"Well, don't worry sweety, you'll manage to remember something." Nurse number one says with a warm smile.
"What's my name?" I asked furrowing my brows.
"We don't know." The doctor says automatically.
"We hoped you would know it once you had woken up," Says the nurse in a calm tone.
"Then..." I trailed off as I don't know what else to say.
"Don't worry sweety; there's a precedent for cases like yours. We will give you a new identity until you can remember something."
" W-what if I don't remember...?" I ask a little scared.
"Nothing girl, you could use this opportunity to have a new life."
After a couple of hours where they made me move to check how my body was doing; they handed me papers to fill out for my new identity. I got stuck in what name I want.
"You don't know what name to choose?" Nurse number one, Margaret, asked.
I have to say, Margaret looks like someone I have known before, but she didn't say she knows me so I think it is just my head trying to find memories
"Nop." I stare at the page not knowing what to do.
"Then, what about Kim Miyoung."
"Kim Miyoung..." I say slowly. " I like it. " I say smiling.
Margaret gives me a bright smile.
"Wait, what is today's date?"
"It's 21st-century girl." She giggles
"21st-century? For real?" I furrow my brows confused, it doesn't seem right to me at all.
Margaret takes the papers from me; she fills out the date and other stuff for me.
"For how much time was I sleeping?" I look at Margaret who seems trying to remember.
"Well, I am not sure, but at least I can say you have been here all the time we all have worked in this hospital"
“Huh?”
"About what...? I am sure you have been here more than ten years, Doc. Lee who is the oldest worker here has memories of you being here ever since he started working here forty years ago"
“WHAT?!” My eyes widen.
"But you know, his memory is starting to fail him, you can't be that old."
“Huh?”
"Here." She gets out a mini mirror.
I look at my pale face in the mirror, I don't look old at all... I look like I'm about 18-20 which makes me question my age.
After reading the original text, I get an understanding of what you (the author) is hoping to convey with their text. Normally here I’d have a conversation with the author to understand what they’d like me to enhance, what they want to stay the same, and what initial thoughts I have on their piece. Normally I’ll put the writing into a new document and edit it just based on first thoughts, and express any changes I think would be beneficial (or just talk about ways we can alter the texts to make their point shine through better). In this case the writing was hard to understand and I found no point in editing small things when I realized that it would be more beneficial to just scrap everything but the bones, and build off of that.
I saw that the author wanted to create a story about a girl being stuck in a coma for years, so I took that and ran with it- rewriting the text while incorporating the author’s original ideas. (Don’t worry if the writing you see down below seems inconsistent, it’s just a rough barrage of ideas.)
I awake to a bright light shining directly above me- causing me to squint and blink repeatedly. With a groan of annoyance, I attempt to shield my eyes from the intense brightness. I feel, to put it delicately, like absolute garbage.
My throat is dry, my head hurts, and my entire body feels as though I’ve been hit by a truck. I (sluggishly) look around the room I am in- and a cold panic sets in as I realize I have no idea where I am. My eyes, frantically searching for a hint of anything familiar, settle on my reflection in the mirror. And, to my slow horror, I find a ghoul staring back at me.
The creature in the mirror is pale. Face sunken. Various objects surrounded it, some feeding from it’s boney arms. I look down- and notice that the same still monsters are feeding on my flesh.
I screech- desperate to claw them off of me, as the entrance to the room I’m in is broken. A woman darts in, surprise etched on her face, and I attempt to get her to help free me from the ravaging beasts (who now seem to be emitting a loud battle cry, a shrieking noise that sticks in my head). I open my mouth- but nothing comes out. I suddenly feel sorrow for the countless of fish that I’ve caught from traps- their empty eyes pleading with me as their open mouths try to communicate with me. I was told not to feel bad for these creatures, lesser lives that we were given to remain strong and fast. Was this what it felt like? The realization made me pause, momentarily stopping my struggle. Is that what I am here? A lesser soul, sacrificed for the greater good.
I sit, staring at the ghoul with sympathetic eyes. Questioning everything that I had been told was right and wrong, listening to the wild beasts screech and moan. The door opens again, I don’t bother to look. I brace myself, expecting to feel the cold press of a blade against my neck.
“Hello?”
I don’t respond. Was this part of their game? Lull me into a false state of security? I refuse to fall for their tricks. I can accept my fate, but even surrounded by hunters I refuse to be prey. I will take my death with honor, on my terms.
“Do you think she can understand us?”
“Don’t ask me! I was convinced it was a doll to scare the new recruits! This goes- this goes against everything- everything I thought I knew.”
“Look at her skin… not a single wrinkle…”
“I know.”
“I mean, she looks- I mean considering it all, she looks-”
“I know.”
“She looks completely healthy! Just a regular girl.”
“I know.”
“How is this possible? I mean it’s just so incredible, I mean we’re going to have to tell everyone… should we call the news? Wow I mean, what a once in a lifetime discovery she is. And then there’s the ethical qualms about letting anyone know, because I mean- she’s just a girl. But if we don’t report it, there’s also a bunch of things to think about. I mean, she could help so many people. I mean there’s just-”
“Goddamnit I know! I know I know I know! I know. God, what are we going to do? Who do we get? What- what are we meant to do? God…”
Now I’m going to do what I was talking about before, take the writing and edit it. Above is what I call a thought out zero draft; writing that I did simply to throw out all my ideas. Now I edit that, and hopefully create a concise work that better shows the author’s intent.
The first step of my editing process is to put my writing into chat gpt and ask it to highlight any issues that it notices in my writing, and how I can improve it. (ATTENTION: I have only started to use this method, and it’s still a little iffy in my mind. This step is subject to change, and completely understand if you’d prefer to skip this step.)
Chat GPT:
Grammar and punctuation: There are several instances of missing commas, incorrect hyphenation, and run-on sentences. (I did this on purpose to create a piece with more expressive writing, I will most likely not take this advice moving forward with the piece)
Clarity and coherence: Some sentences are unclear or disjointed, making it difficult for the reader to follow the narrative smoothly. (Once again, I did this on purpose and am not likely to take this advice)
Consistency: The tone and style of writing shift throughout the passage, affecting the overall coherence of the piece. (Again)
Characterization: The protagonist's thoughts and actions could be more clearly defined to help the reader understand their emotions and motivations. (Again)
Dialogue attribution: It's not always clear who is speaking during the dialogue, leading to confusion about who is saying what. (Again, hoping to show a fearful encounter).
Now I’ll look at the work GPT has produced with the above comments, and see if the piece would improve with these changes. (I also look at how I can revise what I’ve done during this part).
I awaken to a glaring light directly above, causing me to squint and blink repeatedly. (I don't like the flow of this, but will make an effort to change how it is phrased in the original as it shows the awkwardness of the sentence) With a groan of annoyance, I attempt try to shield my eyes from the intense brightness. I feel, to put it delicately, like absolute garbage.
My throat is parched, my head is pounding, and my entire body aches as though I've been hit by a truck (based on everything else, she wouldn't know what a truck is). I sluggishly scan the unfamiliar room, a cold panic setting in as I realize I have no idea where I am. My eyes dart around, desperate for something familiar, until they settle on my reflection in the mirror. To my horror, I see a ghastly figure staring back at me.
The creature in the mirror is pale, its face sunken, surrounded by various objects, some clinging to its bony arms. Looking down, I notice similar still monsters feeding on my flesh. (Don't like this- Chat GPT? Ensure that the clutter is not there for the final) (Like the idea, take it and revamp it)
I scream, desperate to rid myself of them as the entrance to the room bursts open (cluttered). A woman rushes in, surprise etched on her face, and I plead for her help to free me from the ravaging beasts, now emitting a deafening battle cry that pierces my skull. I try to speak, but no sound escapes my lips. (I like the poetic feeling this has) Suddenly, a wave of sorrow washes over me, reminiscent of the countless fish I've caught in traps, their vacant eyes silently imploring me. Was this how they felt? The realization halts my struggle momentarily. Am I just another sacrificial soul, deemed lesser for the greater good? (I like the idea, but it seems random at this point. Remember this and use it somewhere else)
SoAs I sit there, gazing at the ghoul with sympathetic eyes, I question everything I've been taught about right and wrong, listening to the wild beasts' primal cries. The door creaks open once more, but I don't bother to look. I brace myself, expecting the cold touch of a blade against my neck. (Good idea, poorly executed. Might confuse the reader.)
"Hello?"
I remain silent. Is this another ploy in their twisted game? I refuse to be their prey, even in the face of death.Very cool sentence, take this with you to the final I will meet my fate with honor, on my own terms.
"Do you think she can understand us?"
"Don't ask me! I thought it was a doll to scare the new recruits! This goes against everything I thought I knew."
"Look at her skin... not a single wrinkle."
"I know."
"I mean, she looks... considering everything, she looks..."
"I know."
"She looks completely healthy, just like a regular girl."
"I know."
"How is this possible? It's incredible. We need to tell someone... Should we call the news? But then there are ethical concerns about exposing her. She could help so many people, but..."
"Damn it, I know! What do we do? Who do we tell? God..." smoother dialogue, remember this
If this was a real client, I’d begin doing the work necessary to make the final. I won’t do that here, because at the end of the day I don’t have an author to base my edits on. But basically, I’d talk to the author about the edits and everything they want to go into the finished story; and then I’d begin on the final draft.
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