Ethical non-monogamy has been growing in popularity and awareness in recent years. It may be surprising but according to Jessica Fern, author and psychotherapist, as of 2020 about 4% of Americans practice some form of ethical non-monogamy, that’s more than 13 million people. So what is all the hype about and should you consider it?

Ethical Non-monogamy or ENM for short is a term used to describe various structures of relationships that at its most basic are two individuals being romantically and sexually non-exclusive with one another. A key part of ENM is that all parties are aware of and agree to the structures they negotiate together. Some types of relationship structures are Polyamory, Open Relationships, Swinging, Solo Poly, Mono/Poly Combo, Relationship Anarchy, and more. Some key differences to consider.

Polyamory is the desire and practice of having multiple relationships simultaneously. This can include love, romance, sex, friendship, and beyond. There are many ways polyamoury can look. Some may have a hierarchy and others may not. There are kitchen table poly, asexual/aromantic relationships, and more. Really the list goes on.

Open relationships are relationships that are open for additional sexual partners, but not necessarily romantic partners. Sometimes this is referred to as monogamish where couples are open in certain circumstances or limits, like only seeing other people when out of state.

Swinging is like open relationships but has its own cultural history and is very community-centered which often has a different identity than open relationships. Essentially swinging involves couples “swapping” partners with other swingers. These often happen at social events and parties. It is more heteronormative but has been becoming more inclusive over the years.

Solo Poly are people who practice polyamory but are not interested in having a primary partner. This may be temporary due to circumstances like wanting to focus on a career or school. Or this may be people who feel they themselves are their primary partner or who may never want a primary partner.

Mono/Poly Combo is a dynamic in which one side is open (think the bachelor). This may be done because one person is more oriented towards monogamy and is fine with the other being open. This may also be temporary such as one partner focusing on recovery or a goal that doesn’t allow them the bandwidth to be open at present.

Relationship Anarchy is generally anti-prescriptionist and values non-hierarchy and being as equitable as possible. This does not mean all relationships look exactly the same, but there is a goal of addressing inequities.

There are so many ways relationships can look. It might feel overwhelming to try to figure out the benefits and challenges of different relationship styles. Monogamy is the expectation in Western society and it has many beautiful elements to it. In monogamous relationships, there are great opportunities for depth, security, feeling special, and having the ability to plan a future together. However, ethical non-monogamy has many benefits as well.

In ethical non-monogamy, there is often an increased sense of freedom and exploration. There is a necessary emphasis on emotional growth and awareness as well as communication. These qualities can actually make ethically non-monogamous relationships feel incredibly secure and just as special as their monogamous counterparts. Additionally, as we explored above, ethical non-monogamy is extremely customizable. There are often more opportunities for romantic and sexual experiences and frequency. Ethically non-monogamous couples commonly have broader support systems and are less dependent on their partner.

But let’s be honest, it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. In monogamous relationships, there can be feelings of constraint, and since it is the default relationship dynamic unfortunately people may not recognize the work required to sustain long-term relationships. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, people often have to let go of the messaging about monogamy, confront jealousy and insecurity, and grow their communication skills. Not to mention managing calendars can be tricky with multiple partners.

There are a lot of misconceptions about ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. Most of these are rooted in misinformation and societal narratives about monogamy that view ENM as its opposite. 4 common misconceptions are;

Ethical non-monogamy is just an excuse to cheat. This is actually quite the opposite. Cheating is very subjective and happens when boundaries and expectations around romance and sex are violated. In ethical non-monogamy partners actively discuss their boundaries and agree to how everyone communicates and behaves. This isn’t to say that cheating cannot happen in non-monogamous relationships. However, there are often more steps and open dialogue that take place that intentionally prevent cheating even accidentally.

Ethical non-monogamy is just a step towards breaking up. Because ENM is often misunderstood that does result in monogamous couples who may be struggling to choose to open up their relationship with the hope that it fixes core issues. This often does not work. Ethical non-monogamy and polyamory are not bandaids for deep-rooted issues. If anything, these relationship dynamics will often reveal areas that the relationship needs to grow in. But just because some people use ethical non-monogamy differently does not mean that as a whole it is little more than a step in breaking up.

Ethical non-monogamy is all about sex. In some dynamics additional sexual experiences may be a primary motivator — and there is nothing wrong with that. But in other dynamics such as relationship anarchy and polyamory, there are often desires that go far beyond sex and embrace deep loving relationships.

Ethical non-monogamy is an excuse for people who can’t commit. Yet again, the near opposite is true. Ethical non-monogamy in its many forms requires just as much commitment as monogamy. There is often then additional commitment to your own self-growth work as well. Even for those who practice solo poly, the motives may be less rooted in fear of commitment and instead an awareness of their priorities and bandwidth.

The reality is people are incredibly diverse. We all have different needs and desires. It is highly unlikely that one relationship style will fit all people. And you must look at your life and evaluate what it is that will bring you the most joy and build the life you want. That may mean exploring different types of relationship dynamics. It can be daunting, but for those who monogamy doesn’t quite fit, it can be well worth the journey.

An important piece of the puzzle, when deciding to explore ethical non-monogamy is finding community. There is still a lot of stigma about relationships that are not monogamous. Cultivating a community of people with experience who can help educate and support you is invaluable. This may be online forums, local meet-ups like polysocials or munches, or therapy. Exploring outside of monogamy is not something you have to do alone.

Educating yourself will help you better identify which style of non-monogamy might work best for you. It can also help you learn how to identify your needs, face your insecurities, and communicate better. Here are a few resources to get you started;

Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Open Monogamy by Tammy Nelson

The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy

Multiamory

Loving Without Boundaries

Poly Pages

Don’t forget online communities and in-person events!

There is no one right way to have a relationship. As Maya Angelou said, “In diversity there is beauty and there is strength”. The core of relationships is about connection and experience. If you’ve come this far you are probably considering ethical non-monogamy for yourself (or maybe you are just a great friend looking to learn more). If that is the case I encourage you to look inward and find your values and what you want in life. Then look at how those can be incorporated into your relationships. Maybe ethical non-monogamy in one of its many forms is just the tool you need to have a life full of love, connection, growth, and joy. And maybe you decide monogamy is what feels most aligned. There are no wrong answers here, but only you know which is right for you. So go out and learn and explore and build the relationship you want.