The calmness of the blade

Red ,searing pain ,tears, relief

self harm used to be somehow calming.

In the same way some people think running water or praying to a god gives them relief.

calmness , red, searing pain, tears ,relief

The cold blade pressed into the skin of my wrist for the first time .

At first it hurt, then it burned , it burned like when you put your fingertips to close to the flickers of an open flame .

That was calming to me.. seeing the blood drip down from my wrists onto my legs and bedsheets was calming to me.

It was calming because for awhile i could control it.

I couldn't control what happened to me ... after all the man who assaulted me may have hurt me but it was my mother who broke me.

It gave me control in my life when i had none.

it took away the numbness.

it reminded me that i was in fact alive .

Red , searing pain , tears , relief

The blade gave me calmness , relief , release of trauma , the hatred i bore my mother .

It also gave me control....

until it didn't

until it became an addiction

until it felt like i couldn't stop

until the calmness of the blade became dangous.