“To say ‘I love you’ one must know first how to say the ‘I’.”― Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Gary Chapman, Ph.D., is a family counselor and a radio host as well as the author of the New York Times best-selling book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. His book introduced the concept of “5 love languages” to the public and his ideas on emotional needs in relationships quickly caught on in clinical and layperson circles, remaining popular to this day. The premise is simple, “different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways.”

It's not a personality test but more like a tool for strengthening communication between individuals through self and other awareness.

Like attachment styles, you may not fall solely into one category either. You can possess a combination of several love language styles. The goal is to help people understand how to give and receive expressions of love in a way that is validating for all parties. This useful tool has fostered greater understanding and closer bonds in many relationships. The ideal state is the ability to receive and express love in all 5 languages.

In case you are unfamiliar, The Five Love Languages are as follows:

Acts of Service

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Words of Affirmation

Physical Touch

What I want to explain here is how vitally important it is to learn and practice each of these love languages with ourselves, as well. And really, it makes sense. How can you adequately express and receive love if you are not able to love yourself? Fostering a loving relationship with yourself is incredibly healing and helps you connect with others more authentically. I am living proof of that.

Everything I share in this article has a real-world basis in my own journey towards greater self-love. I hope you can find something helpful and healing here. Let’s begin.

“If you think taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind.” — Ann Richards

Acts of Service describes any act that demonstrates love or is performed to make the other person happy. This is the preferred language of love for those who feel most cherished when someone takes the initiative to do things for them. This could be washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, finishing a project, making a tough phone call, folding laundry, cooking dinner, doing an errand, or taking out the trash. You name it.

It’s not rocket science, but for many people, it means a lot and makes them feel seen. What about ourselves? When it comes to acts of love in service to self, often we place ourselves last in line. It’s just easier for some reason to prioritize others’ needs and do things for them. This is especially true if we have a low-self image, were neglected, or have a lot of self-loathing. “I’d rather focus on you.” It’s easier because it’s less emotionally charged.

But this is a self-punishing practice, isn’t it? Neglecting to take care of ourselves only reinforces negative beliefs we have about ourselves, continuing this unhealthy cycle. How do you how to take care of yourself and show yourself that you care about your own well-being? Well, I can tell you from personal experience, you must start small and genuinely. Examine how you perform acts of service for others as a springboard for ideas.

Do you complete a chore unasked so that they don’t have to?

Do you tidy someone’s room because you know it helps and they've been overwhelmed lately?

Do you grab groceries and cook a meal for someone so they don’t have to?

Do you listen to someone’s story because you can see they need support?

These are all examples of caring for others in tangible ways (acts of service ) and can be reworked to apply to yourself and your happiness as well.

Find one small chore that’s been bugging you to complete today so that you can feel less stressed. Or ask for help completing it together.

Light a candle, make your bed, organize a closet, or air out a room. Do something just for your own comfort.

Ask for help picking up groceries or order them if a trip to the store is too much. Make sure you are feeding yourself first before you help others.

Journal or record a video talking about your problems or dreams. Find a therapist or a therapy service if you can. Make time for your inner world.

None of these actions individually may end up being life-changing in and of themselves, but what developing these habits will do is start to show you that you care. You are worthy of the time and effort you spend on your needs, wants, and desires. It’s okay to take care of yourself regularly, wholeheartedly, and without guilt.

Do you find yourself always choosing the cheaper option while shopping or avoiding spending money on yourself altogether? Do you wear clothing until it is threadbare and it makes you feel awful by wearing it? Not feeling worthy of the better option, feeling selfish for wanting good things in your life, or wasteful for even wanting an item or experiencing all signs that you are being miserly with yourself. “It’s fine, I don’t really need it,” or “that’s okay, I’m fine with this option” are all phrases that belie an unwillingness or inability to show generosity (and therefore place value) to yourself.

Your relationship to money, objects, and experiences may go all the way to childhood modeling by your parents. How you feel about spending money or investing anything of worth in yourself may be rooted in deep-seated feelings of inadequacy or shame. It’s important to be aware of how you feel when you consider showing generousness to yourself. Do you feel shame, guilt, or remorse when you buy something nice for yourself? Do you feel the same amount of negative emotions after treating someone else to something nice? There may be a mental imbalance there.

You work hard for the people you care about and give them thoughtful gifts that mean something to them. Not only do the people in your life deserve thoughtful gifts, but you do too. Consider sending a message to yourself that “you are worthy” by allowing yourself to receive things that will bring you more joy, without guilt. Generosity starts with the self.

There are some very thoughtful gifts out there. you don’t have to spend a large amount of money to be generous to yourself either. It’s about being more intentional. I did some research to try and learn which kinds of gifts are the most meaningful ones that people enjoy receiving. The consensus is:

gifts that continually cheer you up (like a funny desk calendar or beautiful houseplant)

gifts that make your life easier or less stressful (like a kitchen gadget or household tool)

gifts that bring you comfort (like a weighted blanket, a scented candle, or heating pad)

gifts that nourish you (like a nice tea or favorite delicious food)

gifts that help you build great memories (like a road trip, entertainment pass, or analog camera)

gifts that remind you of your worth (like a framed quote that’s meaningful, a journal, or a portrait session)

gifts that honor your body (like a soft, attractive piece of clothing, health subscription, or a skincare product)

gifts that bring you joy (like a childhood favorite toy or poster)

gifts that add companionship to your life (like a pet or making a new friend)

What does ‘Quality Time’ look like as a love language? Most folks, when they look back on their lives at the end of it, don’t

wish they had accumulated more stuff

wish they had accomplished more

wish they had worked harder

No, people always wish they had spent more quality time with others. It’s important for maintaining human relationships and it gives meaning to our lives to make memories with others. Giving someone your undivided attention, listening as they talk about their day, asking meaningful questions, sharing an activity together, or carving out time to spend together are all irreplaceable gifts.

Similarly, we often unconsciously regret not taking time for ourselves when we need it most. We can be thoughtful and giving towards everyone else’s time, but forget to take the time to be mindful or respectful of our own.

If you find yourself drained at the end of the day before finally crashing into bed, exhausted on the weekends, and frequently burned out — you might not be setting aside enough quality time for yourself on a regular basis. Someone else is getting and perhaps misusing that valuable resource of yours.

But you can change this. Here are some practical ways to set time boundaries with others and restore value to your own quality time.

After an event, overtime, or a phone call, do you feel sleepy, drained, or raw? Then you may be a person that needs a refractory self “reset” time period after (and maybe even before) you spend your time with others. Work that into your daily and weekly schedule as much as you can. Honor your need for rest without shame or guilt. Once you are consistently more rested and centered as a person, you are better able to be present and active in your life. Without allowing yourself quality time like this, you’ll reach burnout that much sooner and watch your time slip away faster.

2. Block off your “unplugged” hours and guard them well.

If you prefer not to respond to emails after hours or on the weekends and have communicated as much to your workplace, stick to it for your mental health. Set up an automatic after-hours or out of office response reminding others of this time boundary and don’t check-in. Use your phone settings or an app to place limits on phone or social media usage throughout the day or before bed. This helps preserve more time for you to be present as well as unwind and rest before sleeping. Journaling before bed is an excellent way to spend quality time connecting with yourself.

3. Decline usages of your time that would put you at overcapacity.

If you can’t keep an appointment or commitment without sacrificing your mental health, energy, or quality time with yourself — recognize that and find a way to decline firmly without hurting the other person’s feelings. Something like, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass this time,” gets the job done and preserves the relationships more than a curt, ‘No, I can’t.’ It is a perfectly healthy practice to decline invitations in order to spend time on yourself; that’s nothing to feel guilty about. There will always be more overtime, parties, or functions. There is only one you.

“You are the only person that is with you your whole life. Not even your mother or children can make such a boast. You have to love yourself or else it will be a long and miserable life.” — Random Reddit user

There are many threads on internet forums related to this topic. On Reddit, users are often very interested in answering questions like, “What is the single most life-changing thing anyone has ever said to you?” The depth and volume of curiosity around this subject only highlight how deeply affirming words are to us as humans. We crave it because of our basic human need to feel valued and loved at our cores. A few answers in one such thread caught my eye:

These are beautiful things to say to another person. Words can heal, but they can also harm. Think of someone you love deeply. Now imagine insulting them to their face with a personal weakness of theirs, holding nothing back. It’s horrible to imagine, right? We generally prefer to speak kind, encouraging words to people we love and with good reason. Words of affirmation and love nurture and grow bonds between people.

But what about your bond with yourself? Put very simply, every time something occurs in your life, your response (internal dialogue) colors how you feel about yourself and your abilities going forward. If you make a mistake on a project and immediately cringe internally, saying, “Figures, of course I’d f*ck up!” or “I knew this would happen…”, you are reinforcing negative beliefs about yourself to yourself.

All humans make mistakes. It’s a normal part of life and dealt with in a healthy manner, can help us grow. Instead of berating or bullying yourself and expressing disappointment or self-loathing, try to remember that you are only human and you are not defined by any single act or quality alone.

Those fantastic individuals in our lives that bring us validation and encouragement often can be heard saying affirming things. If you ever had a caring or wise teacher, parent, mentor, boss, or friend, maybe you have heard them say something like:

Spoiler: You should be affirming yourself with phrases like these. If they feel too corny or foreign to say to yourself now, that’s okay. All that means, unfortunately, is that you have a long road of self-love and acceptance ahead of you. You’re not alone, but you must begin somewhere. Having others affirm us is wonderful, but in the absence of that, and even despite that, we need to show care and encouragement to ourselves.

Remember that your outward looks, abilities, mistakes, successes, and foibles have nothing to do with your intrinsic worth as a person. You have value just as you are. Don’t ever bully yourself for things you cannot change, for failing, or for making honest mistakes. We can always learn, grow, and do better but there’s no need to make ourselves feel like actual sh*t while doing so.

If you don’t know where to start when it comes to affirming yourself, start paying attention to yourself and your behavior. When you push through to finish something you promised for someone even when you’re over it, that’s persistence and integrity. When you take time to listen to someone else’s opinion even when you don’t agree with them, that’s tolerance and open-mindedness. When you remember something that someone you love wanted and gift it to them, you’re showing thoughtfulness, attentiveness, and generosity.

If you do find yourself lacking in a certain character quality, know that they can be developed! They aren’t permanent. For example, if you are impatient as a person, practice holding your peace or enduring for short periods of time at first. Once you succeed in remaining patient despite how you felt or how long an ordeal was, encourage and maybe even reward yourself. Affirm your progress as you learn to practice the qualities you desire.

Can you imagine going into a roommate’s, partner’s, sibling’s, or parent’s room at night, dragging them out of sleep and keeping them awake for hours past their normal bedtime, forcing them to stare at blue screens and feeding them snacks until their eyes were red, stomaches upset, and they were so tired, they’d inevitably be grouchy, impaired, and resentful the next day?

A bizarre scenario, right? Well, it’s an exaggerated example of course, but the principle isn’t. Have you ever done that to yourself? Kept yourself from sleep despite your body being exhausted? Have you eaten late and developed stomach issues or a metabolic imbalance as a result? The honest answer is: we all have, at one point or another, neglected or even abused our own bodies. We may possess bodily autonomy, but we don’t always make the smartest choices with it.

We all have denied ourselves sleep, ignored our body's need to relax, pushed it to the limit, filled it with harmful substances, or hated our physical representations on this earth. These habits are so common, comedians joke about it, we laugh about it, and think almost nothing of it. But refusing to acknowledge, let alone radically accept and nurture our bodies has lasting psychological and emotional effects well beyond the physical.

It often boils down to not feeling worthy of the care, attention, and acceptance required to have a healthy relationship with our bodies. If you wouldn’t pick apart someone else’s physical appearance, encourage them to eat unhealthily, push them beyond their capabilities, actively harm them, or keep them housebound and inactive — you shouldn't be doing any of these things to your own physical form. We need to respect the vessels of our souls and take care of them like the precious things they are.

So how can you start doing this? The answers depend on what will be meaningful and healing for each person, but there are some good starting points that experts recommend.

Work on changing your inner negative self-talk to more accepting narratives. Your body listens to what you say about it.

Comfort yourself when you are upset, afraid, hungry, or in pain. It is not selfish to do so. Give it what it needs when it asks for it.

Acknowledge your physical needs. If you need more physical affection in a relationship, don’t settle for less. If you can’t work out 7 days a week, don’t. If sitting with your legs up is more comfortable, do that.

Find a sustainable, balanced way to eat that satisfies your health needs and your taste buds. Don’t berate yourself for less than ideal food choices. The point is to nourish, never shame.

If you have been feeling off or poorly about your body lately, do something for it that brings you joy. A manicure, massage, soft hoodie, favorite snack, long walk, cuddling, or new haircut are all ways to comfort your body.

Honor your body with your words. Don’t use negative body descriptors about yourself; it doesn’t help and does injustice to how much value your body has. You are more than your weight, height, hair, nose, scars, wrinkles, or smile.

Don’t be careless with your body. Use it in ways that bring you comfort, strength, peace, and fulfillment. It’s not a disconnected tool to be used, abused, or neglected. Be mindful of how you treat your own body.

Unfollow or unlike social media accounts (or delete apps) that may be triggering or encouraging body shaming. Have a zero-tolerance policy for messages that encourage dishonoring or dismissing healthy bodies.

Show up for yourself and make choices that respect your worth. Doing things for yourself is self-care, not selfish.

Express generosity to yourself; you deserve it just as much as anyone else.

Protect the quality time you spend with yourself. No one else will do this for you.

Affirm yourself with loving words that remind you of your value. Your internal narrative shapes your relationship with yourself.

Embrace, nurture and honor your body. Respect its needs, be kind to it, and be mindful of its role in your journey through life.

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