How I Conquered My Anxiety and Became Invincible

I kid you not, I dreaded driving over the flyovers and would always prefer the longer routes just to evade those infuriating palpitations provoked by my intense fear of heights, which I didn't even know was called Acrophobia. What more? I had to bid a teary-eyed farewell to coffee, tea, cigarettes (shouldn't really grumble about this one), and several types of alcohol and dairy products I thought I couldn't survive a day. By the third month since I had my first unanticipated panic attack, the anxiety had begun taking a toll on my personal and professional life, and I decided to tackle it on my own. I couldn't be a slave of my mind forever! That was no way to live!

I tried every trick in the book to rid myself of anxiety and to feel ‘normal’ again, because my dear lord was it a psychological and emotional torment of the highest order!

One rainy night in August 2019, the night of my birthday, I finally had it. I was snugly lying down on my bed when a dreaded feeling came over me that someone was standing outside my door! It was raining and I was alone, expecting no one. In the deep corner of my mind, I knew that 'it must be an anxiety thing', but I couldn't keep myself from sweating profusely. I began shaking and praying to the Gods to not let that be the end of me, it was that bad.

If nightmares had a nightmare, that was it.

Then, the doorbell rang and my heart was seconds away from attacking itself! The readings reached 200 bpm and I just knew that I was about to join the ’27 club’. This reflection was immediately followed by the very friendly voice of my then-girlfriend who had decided to surprise me with a discreet visit! She almost killed me but she did more good than harm!

Because that was the night I almost died of anxiety, I decided to deal with my issues once and for all. Going to a therapist was an option too costly for me. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I kept my lovely neighborhood therapist as the second option. First, I turned to my best friends, books, and media!

I gobbled up several books and videos and films and podcasts. While most of it was a pile of hot garbage, some parts from some books and films and podcasts and videos did make sense! I noted down what resonated with me and I experimented with lots of different techniques for the next few weeks, (so that you do not have to) to attack the varmint called Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I succeeded!

So, without wasting your precious time (and mine) let me jump right into the topic. How did I conquer my anxiety (and have a strong cup of black coffee for the first time in months)?

Yeah, yeah! Sounds counter-productive af. But listen to me before you shut this article and hurl silent (or loud, depending on if your parents or bosses are around) expletives at me. What provokes us to experience panic is the thought of losing control over whatever’s happening inside and outside our bodies. Claustrophobia used to cause me the worst anxiety attacks. So, to deal with it, I decided to understand the concept of control first.

Since we evolved into these self-aware good-looking homo sapiens from those hairy apes, we have always been looking for what we can control and staying away from what (or who) we cannot! Being in control supplies us with a sense of power, forming the central basis for all our woes and disappointments. I learned that my anxiety mainly grew from the fact that in conditions where I was trapped either in a locked room, a stuck lift, or a plane, I panicked because I could not leave those places whenever I wanted to! I literally had no control over the situation and that realization introduced me to the worst of my panic attacks, repeatedly.

Once I drowned into Stoicism, a quote stuck with me, that said- ‘We cannot control the situations, but we can control how we react to them.’ And that was it! Yeah, it was that simple. That, coupled with the knowledge that not a single person has died due to ‘feeling not in control’ on a plane, or a stuck lift, or a car trapped in traffic, I slowly began facing my fears. (It involved being called crazy when I asked a friend to lock me in the small 4*4 storeroom.)

It worked! A few more attempts at the cliche of ‘facing my fears’ and it was gone!

Claustrophobia became an old friend that moved overseas and lost their passport.

I tend to avoid cliches like I avoid my mom’s phone calls when I know I have done something to make her mad. But often, cliches are there for a reason! So yes, for sure, without beating around the bush, you will die someday, and so will I.

Now I don’t expect that this realization would hit you like a brick, but I self-introspected a lot to realize that I tend to forget this one permanent fact from time to time!

Everything and everyone you see around you will perish one day and however sad this fact might seem to you, you shouldn't forget it. Get it tattooed on your body. So that the next time your heart is about to burst with anxiety, you can just think of the worse that could happen! You will die? But it's just a matter of time anyway? So why bother, at all? There won’t be a single point in your life when you’d be okay with the idea of dying, so better now than later! Right?

It might seem that I am being sarcastic, but trust me, I am not!

I befriended death and had a heart-to-heart with it. It didn’t scare me anymore. Albert Camus and Dostoesky did help to bring us closer together. But yeah, it helped, astonishingly!

A great man once said (who shall remain unnamed to retain the authenticity of the quote), that ‘great things happen when your brain listens to you, not the other way around’.

Do not let your brain do the thinking, I mean the talking, or ordering around, however, you put it! Let you be conscious of the thoughts you're thinking at all times. You are what your brain is, a complex and ugly mix of your conditioning that set your neurons in a particular pattern and made you the person that you are today, an anxious humanoid struggling to go by day-to-day tasks! Isn’t it sad? How to make it not sad?

Let yourself be aware of what you are thinking at all times and be aware that your anxiety is just your brain playing tricks on you. It takes time, but with practice, you’ll get there. Because I did! So can you!

So, tell your brain who’s the boss. In fact, the conversation should be like-

Brain- Hey Human, do you know there’s no oxygen in this lift you are stuck in right now?

You- Shut up, Brain! These lifts are designed with advanced mechanics for us to be stuck in here and be able to breathe like we were standing in a meadow.

Brain- Ok, but, you can be stuck here for hours. What if you have a heart attack? How will the ambulance reach you in time?

You- I can have a heart attack while sitting on my toilet, what difference does it make? Nobody's there to call an ambulance right?

Brain- Being smart, are ya?

You- Yeah.

Brain- Okay. You win!

You- Hmmm… Thanks!

Brain- By the way, did you check out that girl on the elevator…

You- Shut the f&*k up!

So, there you go! My heart goes out to all of you suffering from this abysmal mental disorder. See a psych if you need to, your wallet must be heavier than mine! Or you know, work on yourself. You can conquer anything! (Except for convincing me that The Dark Knight isn’t the greatest movie of all time.)

Anyway, mental disorders are scientifically an indication of a genius mind (a few studies said it along with a few greats like Dostoevsky and Hemingway!). So, there is your silver lining!

Live on, champ!