6 Reasons Why Wedding Planning Is Bullshit

This past December my boyfriend of ten years finally sucked it up and took a knee. The clouds parted, angels sang, and I got to flash my ring on Instagram like every basic white girl does and rightfully should. Everything was perfect: as if ten years of dating didn't already cement the fact that we were inevitably ending up together, I finally had the bling to prove it, bitches. And then we started planning the wedding *vomits everywhere*.

A little background info: I've never been the girl who dreamed about her perfect wedding. In fact, the idea of being *that girl* makes me want to throw myself into a river while simultaneously shitting my leggings. The only thing I've ever dreamt about was how many cats I would one day call myself "mom" to, and we now parent two little furry fuckers so I win? Dream weddings are for rich people. It took about .03 seconds of googling wedding bullshit before I considered eloping and I'm doing it whether my fiancé joins me or not.

As the oldest of six children, I haven't asked my mom for shit unless it was a ride home from the bar when I was too shit-faced to figure out Uber, and even then I tried to tip her and got mad when she said she couldn't give me a five-star rating. I grew up poor, and I still mentally act like it even though I have a decent paycheck for a girl my age. And that mentality is a blessing. I got this shit locked down, no help needed, thank you. I'm resourceful. I can take a $1.99 Jack's pizza and make you believe it's gourmet Chicago deep dish if you close your eyes and pretend hard enough. The only time I'm asking my parents for an amount of money over a grand is if I'm calling from the county jail and I'm desperate.

So you're tying the knot and Uncle "He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named" is giving you the 3rd degree over not getting an invite when he hasn't seen you for over 10 years, probably because he was too busy stealing thousands of dollars from your grandma's estate. People hear the word "wedding" and they slither out of whatever crevice they've been hibernating in and act offended when they don't receive an invitation. Well honey, I've got news for you. If we haven't spoken in over six months and you have the nerve to ask me why you aren't invited, I'm going to need you to go fist yourself.

I shit you not, the average wedding couple spends over $2,000 on flowers, according to Google. Flowers. That literally die and serve no other purpose than to take up space and please your great aunt who's so old you actually forgot she's still alive. Question: when is the last time you went to a wedding and said "holy fucking shit, Cheryl, did you SEE those chrysanthemums? I'd give my left tit for those goddamn chrysanthemums." I'll answer for you: never. Just take the shitty bar wine and pretend there are flowers in the centerpiece because you're high if you think I'm spending that kind of money on fucking daffodils.

If your kids are coming to my wedding, they better be over the age of 21 and not kids, youknowhati'msaying? I mentioned previously that I'm the oldest of six kids. I've helped raise five babies since I was one year old, bless my sweet heart. I don't want kids of my own, and I don't want your kids at my goddamn wedding. You have a better chance of me allowing you to bring your dog as a date. Actually, there is nothing I would enjoy MORE than that so fuck it, bring all of your fluffy friends. Also, when you have 20 mini-baby-cousins and the kid's menu is $50 a plate, that equals, um, I dunno, too much fucking money? I literally just opened my second bottle of Pinot just thinking about children so this is all on you.

I'm sorry, but this is 2017. Are you seriously going to a store with some stupid little toy gun and adding it to your cute little wish list, when you're an adult and can fucking buy it LITERALLY right then and there? This isn't the goddamn 60's, you greedy bitches. STOP ASKING PEOPLE FOR THINGS. I use same-day Amazon Prime shipping way more than my fiancé will ever know, because I'm tech-savvy and he stupidly put me in charge of the bank accounts. Thousand-count linen sheets? Buying them. Wine glasses? I already have like 55, probably. And if your argument is that you can't afford these things and that's why you have a registry, I'm going to need you to place your foot ever-so-gently inside of your mouth. How are you affording a wedding if you can't afford basic home appliances? Priorities, people. Go buy a juicer and sit the fuck down.

According to my old pal Google, the average wedding in ‘merica costs $26,645. You can buy, like, 25 German Shepherds with that kind of money, which is something I am 100% more likely to do than spend it on one day marrying the person I've already spent over a decade of my life with. I love him to death and want to spend every second of my life with him, but 25 puppies? Come on. I'm not an idiot. I'd rather skin myself on Facebook Live than cough up that kind of cash for one goddamn night.

All in all, weddings are dumb as heck and I'm most likely going to elope and have my entire immediate and extended family shun me forever. I'm cool with it. I'll have a shit ton of German Shepherds sleeping in my bed, covered in expensive Egyptian cotton sheets that I bought myself.