Keywords: couples fight, first argument, fight fair

It’s no secret that relationships of any kind take work. Even your grandparents in their seemingly perfect marriage of 50+ years have gone through their gambit of trials and tribulations. Some people might think that having the perfect relationship means you never fight. 

That isn’t true at all.

Fighting is a part of any relationship. It will always happen, one way or another, but it doesn;t have to be detrimental to your relationship. Disagreements can actually make a bond stronger. The key is knowing how to “fight fair.” Voicing your individual views and figuring out how to come to a compromise while making sure both people feel heard and respected is important. Nothing fuels intimacy and connection in quite the same way as conquering an obstacle together and coming out stronger.

“While these conversations can feel intense, the alternative is people bottling up, avoiding each other, not productively solving problems, not truly understanding each other, and having resentments and hostility build and build,” says  Lisa Marie Bobby, Ph.D., dating coach. “Furthermore, research into couples and family therapy shows that how often (or dramatically) a couple fights has little relationship to the quality of their relationship, or whether it endures.”

The key is how you fight, how you and your partner handle yourselves in the face of conflict, and how you resolve the problem.

The next time you get into a couples fight of your own, remember what’s important is knowing how to fight fair.

Remembering what caused the problem in the beginning is important so that you can focus on exactly what you need to find a solution for. Check in with yourself. What is it that’s making you upset? What is triggering your reaction? Why do you feel this way?

Does your partner forget to do their share of the household chores? Do they interrupt you all the time? From there, once your concerns have been voiced you can start working to fix the problem as a team

One of the biggest factors in fighting fair is learning to control yourself, regardless of the situation or the emotions you might be feeling. Is this your first argument? Then it’s more crucial than ever to remain calm. It can be very hard to think logically when your brain is flooded with emotions, resulting in reactions you might regret. Take a deep breath!

It’s important to remember that a relationship consists of two people in a partnership. Even if you might be upset and your feelings are valid, your voice is not the only one that matters here. Don’t interrupt your partner when they’re speaking and take the time to seriously think about their concerns, not just about what you want to say.

Avoid attacking the other person’s character, bringing up other unrelated issues, or harping on the past. It might feel justified in the moment to bring up the grudge about their smelly shoes from two weeks ago, but now is not the time. Doing so at this time means you are being spiteful, which will not result in any resolution.

This statement applies to both you and your partner. Everyone is human, meaning we all have flaws. Accept constructive criticism instead of being defensive, even if it can be hard to hear. You also need to understand that both you and your partner are going to make mistakes. You will inadvertently hurt each other. That doesn’t mean you aren't meant to be. It means you have space to grow together.

Finally, if nothing seems to work, it might be wise to seek a mediator or middle ground. Asking a trusted friend or even a professional for help is not a bad or shameful thing, and it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the relationship.

It can be hard when you’re in the middle of a conflict to think or communicate logically, and professionals are trained to help you see past the emotional “noise” and cut to the chase.

Remember that fighting is normal in any relationship between two people. The beauty of being human means that we all see the world from different perspectives. We can’t expect anyone, (even if we love them!) to be exactly like us. Overcoming obstacles in a healthy way is the key to a healthy, lasting partnership.