There are three phases to self-improvement, and the middle one is ugly. Phase one, you don't know anything. You haven't tried to change a single habit. Then something cracks open and you decide you want to. Phase two, you start learning about yourself. You notice your patterns. You catch what sets you off. And then, without meaning to, you start performing it. You debate more. You talk when you should have stayed quiet. You want to look smart. I'm in phase two. I regret things I say all the time. Not all of it is bad. Part of it is just that I can't keep quiet when someone says something wrong. But it's still the phase where you learn about yourself out loud, and out loud is expensive. Phase three, you know what to say, when to say it, and when to say nothing at all. You stop performing. You're not trying to look good anymore. You're trying to be useful. I'm not there yet. So I've started asking myself one question before I speak: What would the phase-three version of me do right now? Usually, she says less.